Torchwood: Fanfic: Intergalactic relations

[m_findlow]

Title: Intergalactic relations
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters: Torchwood team
Author: m_findlow
Rating: PG
Length: 1,285 words
Content notes: none
Author notes: Written for m_findlow's prompt "Any, any, laying out the silver and fine China" at fic_promptly
Summary: Things are off to a bit of a rocky start with the team's latest visitors.

'That is seriously the most disgusting thing I've ever seen,' Gwen said, watching through the two way mirrors into the room.

'I know,' Owen agreed. 'And I thought Jack's manners were atrocious.'

'Hey!' Jack complained. 'You cannot compare me to that.'

Ianto cringed as another teacup was flung from the top of the table, coming to hit the wall and smash into a dozen pieces. Then he whacked Jack.

'Ow! What was that for?' he said, rubbing his arm.

'For not giving me fair warning,' Ianto replied.

'I gave you plenty of warning,' Jack argued.

Ianto sighed and went back to watching the carnage inside. There were no words to describe how annoyed he was.

'We've got visitors coming,' Jack had declared to him when he'd gone in that morning to deliver coffee and croissants.

'Oh? What kind of visitors?' He was hoping this was Jack's way of telling him Martha and Tom were coming to Cardiff to ask their help on some assignment.

'Intergalactic ones,' Jack replied, disappointing him momentarily.

'Oh, and why are they coming here?'

'They're on a trade mission.'

'Right, and what are we trading?'

'At the moment, nothing,' Jack replied. 'But they have very valuable technological resources that we could get our hands on if a deal can be brokered.'

'And what will they want in return?' Ianto knew better than to think anything came for free.

'Nothing we can't offer them in plentiful supply. Natural gas, copper, zinc, salt...'

'Salt?'

'The planet is two thirds water. You don't know how rare that is.' Jack's face turned serious. 'These are important people, Ianto. They could open the door to putting this planet well on its way for the next three hundred years of technological advance. They're some of the richest and most influential species in the universe and we've been offered a seat at the table.'

'So, no pressure, then,' Ianto quipped.

'We're rolling out the red carpet. I've got a good feeling that things are finally going to start going our way.'

Ianto had been in a tizz ever since. Three days notice was just not enough time to do everything that needed doing to get the hub in a state fit for intergalactic guests. He was half tempted just to book out the St David's Hotel and let them negotiate everything there. The hub was no place to entertain a wealthy delegation of businessmen, or businessaliens, or whatever they were. Everything needed scrubbing and polishing, sweeping and vacuuming, putting away and rearranging. Even for someone as fastidious as Ianto, he'd learned to wear a kind of rose coloured glasses when it came to the state of the hub. There were some things he just had to be prepared to live with in their current state, not that it helped him now.

After three sleepless nights of cleaning with a fury that impressed even him, he finally felt like he was getting on top of things. The water tower gleamed beneath its sheen of water, the pool at the bottom had been drained and scrubbed so that it no longer looked like a cesspool. It was so clean he probably could have put some koi in there to class it up, but then he knew Myf would only come down from her nest in the night and eat them.

Every railing around the place was polished or given a fresh coat of enamel paint, something he'd been meaning to do for ages. The tiles on the wall were scrubbed, the grout brought back to something close to white. Files and desks were tidied, boxes of random objects put away, and the floors sparkled. He had the guest living quarters completely overhauled, adding brand new linens and sprucing up old furniture. Light fittings were cleaned and replaced, and the place had never looked so well lit now that the globes didn't have to fight a layer of grime to shine out their radiance.

All that was left was to arrange food and to set up the boardroom. He'd brought out the fine china and silverware for their guests, having found a set down in the archives that saved him buying any. The silver took three hours of dedicated polishing until it was so shiny he could make out his reflection in it, before he laid it carefully out either side of the crockery, which itself was ornate and edged in white gold.

Having grabbed a few hours sleep to remove the shadows from under his eyes, freshly showered and shaved, in his best suit, pressed within a inch of its life, he felt ready to receive the delegation. He was no political high flyer but looking around at the hub, he couldn't have done anything more to make Earth look attractive and open for business.

He didn't know what to expect when they arrived, teleporting to an agreed spot inside the hub, before being lead up to the boardroom by Jack for refreshments before they settled down to meet the team and begin negotiations. They were very tall, with long elongated heads and two sets of eyes, and bright blue all over. At least they were bipedal, though they didn't wear anything Ianto would call clothes, and they spoke English fluently which surprised him even more.

'Ianto will show you through so that you can get settled after your long journey,' Jack said, indicating that they should follow him.

'I'm not sure what you care to drink,' Ianto said, settling them in the boardroom, laid out with all manner of pastries and fruits, sandwiches, cured meats and cheese, 'but the coffee is excellent.'

He tried not to take offense when they all indicated green tea would be preferable, leaving them to it, having already ensured that hot water and fresh tea were on hand. He closed the door behind him and left them in peace. He'd only gone a few paces, seeing Jack coming to meet him from the other direction, asking him if they delegation were settled when the first loud crash came from within.

'What was that?' Ianto said. Two more violent sounds seemed to come from the room and he made to go back in there.

Jack grabbed him by the shoulder and stopped him. 'It's fine.'

'It doesn't sound fine.'

Jack lead him back to the adjoining room to where the rest of the team were waiting. It had given them a chance to observe the aliens without seeming intrusive. It wasn't often they got visitors, and even less that they came here wanting to treat with Torchwood on behalf of the entire planet.

'Waste of time putting out the good cutlery Teaboy,' Owen said, watching as the delegation tore into the food with a ferocity that stunned him. Plates and forks seemed irrelevant as they clawed at food with their hands, shoved faces straight into platters and let food tumble to the floor, eating it off the ground. Some even fought over certain foods, like rabid dogs.

'This is how the richest aliens in the universe eat?' Tosh said, having never seen anything like it.

'To each his own custom,' Jack replied.

'I hope they're not that violent around the negotiating table,' Gwen said, feeling worried.

'Nope, just the little visceral pleasures in life like food and sex.'

'Well, we certainly won't be offering up the latter,' Ianto said, still fuming at the destruction going on in the boardroom. It was going to take him hours to clean up, and that would be just enough time before having to set it out for the next meal. It'd be paper plates from here on in.

'Dont worry,' Jack said, 'if it comes to that, you and I are more than capable of satisfying them on that front.'