Fandomweekly Challenge 20 - What we've done

[m_findlow]

Title: What we've done
Fandom: The Handmaid's Tale
Author: m_findlow
Rating: M (Spoilers for Seasons 2)
Length: 1,000 words
Content notes: none
Author notes: Written for Challenge 20 - Hindsight at fandomweekly
Summary: Serena Joy is beginning to regret the choices she's made.

Serena slumped on the edge of the bed. She almost couldn't bear to look down at her bandaged hand, seeing the slight indentation where the end of her little finger had been removed. It throbbed only in the slightest. After they'd taken it off with a meat cleaver the guards had let go of her protesting body. Two doctors had come in and efficiently dealt with the rest. Between her wracked sobs they'd packed her hand in ice, stitched up the stub of what was left of it and hidden the whole hideous incident in white bandages. One of them had given her morphine for the pain which had turned everything into a hazy blur. She should have felt shame at being punished like this but instead all she felt was the hollow sensation of knowing she'd conceded.

There was a gentle knock at the door. Fred entered with a tray. 'I brought you some tea.'

Fred was a weak man. He'd always been a weak man. He'd ridden on the coattails of her own success, and in the end it was him they'd granted power to. Even so, when it came to defending his wife, he'd cast his eyes to the floor and let them take her.

She'd been the one that lobbied tirelessly to change things, to create a future where men and women reverted back to a simpler life. She hadn't done it for power or glory, she'd done it to save humanity. They'd spat in her face and thrown every horrible name at her for voicing her ideals, but eventually the tide had changed. People stopped talking about climate change and overpopulation. The greater issue was the fact that women, and perhaps men as well, were becoming less fertile. Once upon a time there'd been contraception and abortion to prevent unwanted conception. The reality was that both of those things had gone against God and now he was punishing them for their sins. A child was a gift. A beautiful, precious gift.

'They're making me a Commander, Serena,' Fred had come home and told her one night. 'For all the hard work we've done for Gilead.'

For all the hard work I've done, she should have corrected him, but she let it slide. Perhaps if she'd been stronger then, he would have been reminded that everything he had was on account of her. She'd been the one who had condemned her entire gender to this subservient existence where raising children was the sole function for women.

Fred kissed her cheek, brushing a hand down her arm, clad in her new turquoise blue dress, one of dozens she now owned which would mark her place society as the wife of a Commander. She'd prepared for this. It was virtually fait accompli. 'When the council have completed the indoctrination of the handmaids,' Fred began, 'they've promised us one of the first. Won't that be wonderful? God will see fit to grace us with a child.'

'Praise be,' she replied, holding her smile in place. A child was the least reward for everything she'd sacrificed. She might have had one herself had she not been shot at a university rally, standing tall in the face of opposition. Though they'd tried before that to conceive a child, she knew that it was only a matter of time. They'd been good Christians. God would answer their prayers. Perhaps this was him answering them now.

She'd kept her faith in God, but the more she thought about it, the less she could tell what had been scripture and what might have been twisted to keep Gilead in check. She couldn't consult the Bible to be sure since that had been banned. No doubt the copy she'd inherited from Eden had been swiftly destroyed. Even the most important book in the world would be kept far from the eyes of women. She tried to imagine what they might have done to her had she asked for more than just to be allowed to read the word of God. She would very likely be strung up on the wall now, instead of curled up on her own bed with nothing more than a finger removed. All she had now were the distant memories of all the books she'd ever read before they'd been burned. Even the ones in Fred's office were off limits, as was his office in general. What happened behind those shuttered doors was not the business of the women of the house. The Marthas weren't even allowed in there to clean or to serve the Commander his coffee.

Fred should have supported her; should have done something to stop them from taking her. What she'd done had been for their daughter's future. All the daughters of Gilead deserved the right to be educated. Fred should have stood by her in that. Maybe he did and maybe he didn't. Maybe the wall was where she should have been right now had it not been for Fred, but she didn't think so.

'I trust that you have exorcised whatever designs you had,' Fred announced, reminding her of her proper place.

She gripped up the teacup in her uninjured hand. 'God has been truly merciful this day.'

'He has indeed,' Fred agreed. 'We need not read the words to witness his mercy. Nichole will grow up knowing that she needs only to open her eyes to see the truth of God all around her.'

'The truth of God,' Serena mocked. Fear and oppression enforced by men with guns on our streets.

Fred's eyes bored into her but he didn't reach out to touch her. There was no sympathy in those brown eyes, only fear of what would become of his position if Serena refused to tow the line. 'You have had a trying day,' he said. 'You will feel better tomorrow once you've had a chance to rest.'

'Yes, of course,' she said, forcing herself to meet his gaze. 'Thank you. For the tea.'