m_findlow

Title: Universally accepted
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters: Jack, Ianto
Author: m_findlow
Rating: PG
Length: 600 words
Content notes: Written for Challenge 29 - Universal at beattheblackdog
Summary: Jack provides a valuable life lesson in intergalactic relations

Ianto didn't think he was ever going to get the hang of this travelling around the universe business. He'd never realised that so many of the things he did unconsciously could be interpreted in a whole other way to someone of a different species on another planet. Something as simple as a little hand wave when Jack introduced them to someone had become a series of misunderstandings, offensive gestures, and on two occasions had been misconstrued as a threat of bodily harm or death.

From now on he was just going to stand there, say nothing and do nothing. Then again, perhaps standing stock still might be some kind of intergalactic request for someone to come along and remove his spleen, for all he knew. Even smiling seemed fraught with danger.

The was nothing in the Hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy that prepared him for anything they'd seen or done so far,and he was staring to wonder if there was an equivalent book he could buy somewhere that might help him out. One day he was going to do something or say something that Jack was not going to be able to bail them out of.

'Relax Ianto,' Jack said, sensing the tension in his lover as they proceeded along the busy city streets. 'If you're ever in doubt, just put your forefinger on your nose and stick out your tongue.'

'Really?' he asked, looking skeptical.

'Trust me. Next person you see, try it out.'

It didn't take long, walking along the busy city streets, before Jack was nudging him and indicating a very tall, stern looking alien who was walking directly towards them. Jack stepped out in front of him, blocking his way. The alien gave them both an annoyed look, and said something incoherent.

Uncertain, Ianto did the move that Jack had instructed him. The tall alien considered him for a moment, and Ianto feared it was all about to go terribly wrong, but then the alien burst into what could only be described as gargling laughter, and clapped Ianto on the shoulders, before striding off, still gargling away.

'Please tell me I didn't just offer for us to have three way sex with him.'

Jack laughed. 'No, but if you wanted to, I could show you some sign language that would do the trick.'

'Please don't.'

He turned around and watched the tall alien fade away into the crowd. 'So what exactly did I just do?'

'It's universally accepted that anyone who pulls such a ridiculously funny face would never mean you any harm. Dangerous aliens have no sense of humour.'

Ianto put his hands on his hips and huffed at Jack. 'So what, I just provided comic relief?'

'Well, if I'd told you just to pull a funny face, you wouldn't have known where to start. And it was pretty funny. I was half tempted to let you try it out a few more times, and suggest you try crossing your eyes as well.'

'I thought you were teaching me some sort of complicated intergalactic communication!'

'Laughter is a universal constant. You always try and overcomplicate things.'

'And you took advantage of my trusting nature. I hate you sometimes,' he moaned.

Jack laughed again and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. 'No, you don't. Come on my handsome clown husband, let's go get some lunch.'

'Should I stick the French fries up my nose If I need to ask someone the time?'

'Mmm, now that would get you into some interesting sexual adventures! Shame they don't serve them on Artraxia. We could've had some real fun.'