Torchwood: Fanfic: Night of the living Jack 'O Lanterns

[m_findlow]

Title: Night of the living Jack 'O Lanterns
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters: Jack, Ianto, Rhiannon
Author: m_findlow
Rating: PG
Length: 3,246 words
Content notes: none
Author notes: Written for m_findlow's prompt "Any, any, pumpkins are revolting!" at fic_promptly
Summary: Jack and Ianto are confronted by something more than trick or treaters this year

When Jack answered the phone, Ianto could hear the plinky plonky chiming of pop music in the background.

'You'd better not still be at the supermarket,' Ianto warned. I'm picking up Mica and David in an hour and I expect the house to be ready when we get there. Even you can't manage to mess up hanging decorations and putting out lollies. Before he could lecture Jack any further, he was interrupted by a scream in the background.

'What was that?'

'Ianto, the pumpkins are revolting!'

'Buy a plastic one, then. I thought you liked pumpkins?'

'No, I mean the pumpkins are revolting. As in, they're attacking shoppers.'

Oh. Probably should have expected something like that, he thought. Halloween was just one of those holidays that was custom built for Torchwood weirdness.

'Are you okay?'

'I'm fine. They don't like it when you make eye contact. One chased me all the way down the freezer aisle, but all it managed to chew on was the end of my coat. I've been trying to round them up, but I could really use a hand. Or a net, or... Something.'

'Right, I'm on my way.'

'What about the kids?'

'It's just a few pumpkins, Jack. How hard could it be?'

Jack turned around to find one just a few feet behind him, grinning maniacally. Famous last words, Jack thought, knowing it was probably too late to run.

How hard could it be, Ianto thought, proceeding into the supermarket, pressing the emergency release button on the door. All of the shoppers and staff had made their escape, and he had to fight his way through them as they milled about in the car park out front.

They looked at him like he was mad as he worked his way to the door.

'You don't wanna go in there, mate.'

'It's okay. I'm with the police,' he lied.

Inside it was eerily quiet. He could hear some tired Sugarbabes song playing over the loudspeakers. 'Jack,' he called over his comms unit. When there was no response, he pulled out his gun, carefully stepping over a pile of groceries from an upturned trolley blocking his way. He cast a wary glance at the aisles facing him, with their coloured signage and fake cobwebs strung up for the holiday. There wasn't any movement, and certainly no rogue vegetables as far as he could see. Not knowing where in the large complex Jack might be, he decided to proceed down the first aisle and work his way methodically across.

Everything in the cold freezer section appeared to be in order, with the exception of abandoned trolleys and baskets, until he took a closer look at one of the large perspex freezer doors.

'Oh, that's just... creepy,' he said to himself, spotting the angry looking Jack 'O lantern style pumpkin shut up inside the cabinet, smiling menacingly back at him as ice began to crust over its features. He pulled back the safety on his gun and continued his search for Jack.

The first pumpkin almost caught him completely off guard. He was just passing down the empty aisle as it came bursting forth from behind a shelf full of packets of crisps, sending them tumbling to the ground.

Nang, nang, nang, nang nang!

It chomped angrily towards him, making strange noises. Rather than take any chances, he pulled the trigger on his gun, sending bits of pumpkin flying in all directions as it exploded. He peered uneasily at the pile of orange bits, checking that his bullets had done the trick, and then swinging through gun back around to the spot where it had been hiding, checking for more. Fortunately it seemed to be on its own.

A little bit more aware of what he appeared to be facing, he started up a jog, more determined than ever to find Jack. He didn't have to go far, reaching the end of the aisle and finding the crumpled body on the ground. Jack looked to be okay, though his poor coat and clothes were much more worse for wear. Just as Ianto was leaning over to check for injuries, Jack gasped and heaved up, almost headbutting Ianto in the process.

'Iesu mawr, Jack,' Ianto exclaimed, startled by the sudden movement.

'Ianto! Oh, thanks the gods you're here.'

'What happened?'

'They ate me! Literally. It was like being set upon by a bunch of piranhas dressed for Halloween. I tried to get a message out to warn you but one second I was fine and the next second there were a dozen of them swamping me.'

There were a great many times that Ianto was grateful for Jack's regenerative qualities, and none more so than right at this moment. He wasn't sure quite how he would have coped with seeing Jack half eaten and bloodied on the floor.

'Carnivorous vegetables. A new one for the scrapbook,' Ianto said, helping Jack up. 'It's just the pumpkins that are possessed?' he asked.

'Think so. Haven't come across any murderous courgettes or homicidal carrots so I think we're good.'

'That's good. That'd be all we need as an excuse for the kids to not eat their vegetables.'

'It's put me right off them,' Jack agreed.

'One nearly took my head off in the junk food section,' Ianto confessed. 'I didn't quite believe you at first.'

'They're not very believable,' Jack replied.

'The better question is, where are they all now?'

The pair of them slowly moved down the aisle towards the front of the store.

'Do you have your gun?' Ianto asked.

'I came in to buy chocolates and lollies. Didn't think I'd have to defend myself against crazy shoppers.'

'You'd be surprised,' Ianto replied. Trolley rage was an actual real thing. 'I managed to shoot one apart so I don't think they're any more resilient than your average pumpkin.'

'Just with razor sharp teeth and a taste for human flesh.'

Ianto paused over a cabinet as the aisle opened out into the deli section, reaching down into the cabinet and pulling out something to hand to Jack.

'Do I insert inappropriate salami joke here?' Jack asked, taking the long cured meat.

'Figure you might be able to smash a few using that, or at least given them something to chew on that isn't your salami.'

'Trust me, Ianto. My salami is reserved only for you.'

'How very reassuring.' Ianto was about to make another innuendo laced quip when a distant noise caught his attention.

Nang, nang, nang, nang....

'It's them,' he said.

'Kinda freaky for a pumpkin to make that noise,' Jack said.

'Kinda freaky for a pumpkin to make any noise,' Ianto replied. 'Do we even know how the pumpkins ended up, er, going rogue?'

Jack shrugged. 'It's Halloween. Doesn't weird stuff alway happen on Halloween? Do we know if it's happening all over the city?'

'Think my phone would be going nuts by now if it were. Funny though how it just happens to be in the one supermarket you go to, at the exact time you happen to be here.'

'So it's my fault?' Jack said, sounding indignant.

'Not necessarily. Just pointing out the obvious coincidence.'

Nang, nang, nang, nang, nang... The sound got louder as it came towards them.

'I think they found us,' Ianto said, gripping his gun tighter.

'Back for second course,' Jack added. He tensed, holding his salami bat aloft.

Around the corner of a display of cream biscuits on sale, came four vicious looking pumpkins. They bounced and scurried along the ground, chomping with their jagged mouths like angry pacmen. Ianto fired off a dozen rounds, cleaning up three of them, whilst Jack belted the fourth across the aisle once it got close enough, sending it crashing, and smashing, into a trolley.

At the sound of all the commotion, more pumpkins appeared, gnashing and growing as they came rumbling towards them. Ianto fired again and again, exploding a few more as Jack battled another one chewing on his boot, bringing down the salami hard on it and then swinging sideways to clean up another one. A third he hit so hard, it snapped his meaty weapon clean in half. 'Damn,' he said, tossing it aside as Ianto spun and shot the last one attempting to attack Jack, putting an end to the second wave attack.

It didn't take long before the sound of "nang, nang, nang," could be heard coming again.

'How many of these bloody things are there?' Ianto cried.

'It's Halloween. They bought them in bulk,' Jack replied, pushing Ianto backwards down the aisle so that they could be in a better position to fight off another attack.

Nang, nang, nang, nang! A dozen more pumpkins came raging after them.

'I'm down to my last two bullets,' Ianto said, having mentally counted them off in his head.

'Save them,' Jack ordered. 'You might need them.'

'And what do I use in the meantime?'

Jack handed him a can. 'Condensed cream of tomato soup?'

Jack hefted one sharply at a pumpkin, watching it disintegrate as the can went smashing through it.

'Whatever works,' Ianto remarked, lofting his own and obliterating a second gourd.

The pumpkins came at them in droves, surrounding them and forcing them to clamber up the tall supermarket shelves to stay out of reach, all the while throwing down whatever tinned goods they could get their hands on.

Ianto felt his phone vibrating in his pocket. Reinforcements, finally! He'd sent the text alert out as soon as he'd gotten out of the car, but having given everyone the night off to enjoy one night of spookiness, no one had yet responded to the voluntary call up for assistance of what he'd describe as "a minor issue". Next time, he decided, he'd overplay things.

He answered without even looking to see which person had responded.

'Ianto, where the hell are you?' his sister's voice rang in his ear. 'You said you were picking up the kids at five.'

'Yeah, little busy just at the mo,' he said, gripping the shelf as three of the pumpkins made to chew off his ankle.

'It's always an excuse with you, isn't it?' she said, sounding very annoyed. 'I thought you wanted the kids to spend Halloween with you. They've got their costumes ready and everything.'

'Believe me, nothing would make me happier than a quiet night trick or treating with the kids. Just let me sort out the pumpkins first, okay?'

He could almost hear her narrowing her eyes at him over the phone. 'I'm giving you half an hour to get your butt here.'

'Argh,' he hissed as one of the pumpkin leapt up, nipping his ankle.

'What was that?' Rhiannon demanded

'Nothing. Be there with bells on,' he said hanging up on her.

He kicked out his foot, knocking the pumpkin off as it crashed into the shelf. 'I really liked those shoes,' he said, tossing down a heavy can of beetroot.

'Ianto!' Jack yelled from where he was clinging to the opposite side of the aisle. 'You okay?'

'Being attacked by pumpkins and berated by my sister. Not sure which one's worse. Other than that, just peachy. You?'

'I think I can se a few more on the other side. Gonna climb over the top and tackle them from there.'

'Be careful, yeah?'

Jack gave him one of those winning smiles. 'Always, 'he said, before disappearing over the top and into the next aisle.

Ianto continued peppering his assailants with cans, his arm growing tired. Seriously, did anyone actually buy a pumpkin this year, or were they all waiting for some eleventh hour sale? He just prayed that none of the ones that had been bought had ended up in homes, attacking people.

As he thrust one final can down, crushing the last of the pumpkins, he leapt down from his vantage point, stepping over the splattered mess of pumpkin bits littered all over the floor, along with a good deal of dented cans. The store had gone strangely quiet again. 'Jack?' he yelled out, imagining he'd probably hear Ianto. There was no response. Dammit.

He stepped over the mess and grabbed two more cans, adding them to his coat pockets, and another two, one held in each hand as he proceeded slowly up the aisle toward the back wall. It felt good being armed with something at least. The last thing he wanted was to be confronted with a dozen more ravenous Jack 'O lanterns with nothing more than toilet paper and boxes of kleenex to fight them off.

He turned the corner into the next aisle, but Jack wasn't there. Bollocks. All that remained was the evidence that he'd been there, broken bits of orange vegetable lying scattered everywhere.

He returned to the top of the back wall, checking row after row, finding them empty until he came through the end of the supermarket he'd been dreading: the fresh produce section. Jack had no doubt gone after their headquarters.

Ianto eased up against the end of a low display of loaves of bread, hunching down and crawling around its side so that he could peek around the corner and survey the situation. When he did, the sight caught even him by surprise.

Jack was sprawled on the ground, looking to be bleeding heavily. Hovering over him was the largest pumpkin Ianto had ever seen. Most of what they'd dealt with so far had been no larger than a football at best. This thing was the size of a beach ball, or larger. There just had to be one, didn't there? he thought. The store manager had probably thought it a lark to order one extra large one for advertising purposes. No one would be mad enough to buy it, but it would look good.

It let out a scary, low sounding "nang" before it's vicious Jaws looked set to clamp down on Jack's head, ready to take it off whole. Instinctively, Ianto gripped the can still in his hand and pelted it at the large squash, coming to miss it by inches, but making enough noise to get its attention.

'Pick on someone your own size!' he yelled, as it spun and growled at him. It had the desired effect though, as the huge pumpkin slowly came bounding towards him.

Ianto backed up slowly, making no sudden movements.

'I take it you must be the captain of the Starship Butternut,' he said. 'Thanks for coming but we've got enough vegetables here.'

Nang!

'All your little minions are gone. Won't even make good soup now,' he added.

It grinned back at him and turned away, deciding Jack made for a much easier meal for the present.

'No!' Ianto yelled and hefted the can from his left hand. This one hit its mark, popping a small chunk out of its side. He followed it up with the other two cans from his pocket, making two further dents, but mostly bounding off the hard, thick skin. It was sufficient to annoy it though, turning back toward him.

He reached into his pockets, finding them empty. Shit. He backed up, finding himself blocked in by a shelf of crossaints and one of sponge rolls as the pumpkin moved closer until Ianto was finally cornered by the great pumpkin. It growled and quivered angrily at him, readying itself to lunge at him and tear strips off him, or maybe just swallow him whole.

He reached his hands behind him, frantically looking for anything he could use as a weapon, before his hand brushed the back of his jeans, the cold metal barrel of his gun right there where he'd left it.

Two bullets, he remembered. Enough to take out the mother of all pumpkins? Probably not. Unless he was really close, they'd practically bounce off that skin. If he could shoot them whilst the thing had its mouth open though...

One last roll of the dice, Jones. Bloody embarrassing if your headstone ends up reading "Eaten by a pumpkin". That'd have to be the most unrespectable way a Torchwood agent has ever gone.

Nang! Nang! The giant pumpkin rumbled, opening its jagged maw wide.

'Nobody munches on my boyfriend,' he said, firing his last two bullets into it as it came at him, exploding in a shower of orange mess from the back, his bullets tearing through the tender flesh inside.

He rushed over to Jack, finding him lying there, groaning in pain but unable to move. The pumpkin, or one of its smaller counterparts had removed a large chunk out of his neck and the blood was slowly pumping out. Ianto pressed a hand to the wound, knowing it was futile as the warm blood seeped through it, watching Jack slowly bleeding out.

'I'm here,' he said, unsure if Jack was conscious enough to hear him, before Jack's body went completely limp. Ianto stroked his face until finally Jack heaved, returning to life once more.

'Hey,' Jack said. 'Did I miss anything?'

'Just us saving the world again,' Ianto replied.

A quick sweep of the store confirmed that no more pumpkins remained. They found a few odd ones that looked to be simply keeled over, as if killing their pumpkin overlord had ended their own lives. Jack took no chances and stomped them to pieces just to be sure.

'Still no idea what happened to make them go all alien and crazy like that,' Jack said, picking up a fragment and examining it. In their smashed state, it was make out the once horrific looking faces they'd sported.

Ianto pulled a box of snap lock bags off the shelf and tore it open, extracting two and handing one to Jack. 'A few samples to investigate later,' he said.

'Agreed,' Jack said. 'Right now I don't think I wanna see another pumpkin for a very long time.'

'And we've got somewhere we need to be,' Ianto replied.

When he pulled up outside his sister's house and let himself Iin through the front floor, she was standing there, arms folded, looking cross.

'What time do you call this, then?'

He checked his watch. 'Six thirty two?'

She raised a hand and clipped him over his ear. 'That's for being smart. You're not even dressed. Though you were making effort this year?' She tutted. 'The kids will be disappointed. What a shock that their uncle can't get his act together. Again.'

'Have off, will you?' Ianto complained. 'It's been a long day.'

'Life's tough when you're a public servant,' she sighed.

'And all the while you're complaining, we're losing time to go trick or treating...'

She growled at him. 'Fine. David! Mica! You're useless lump of an uncle is here!' She turned back to him, spotting something odd. 'What is that in your hair? 'she said, reaching out to pick it out and examine it. 'Is that pumpkin?'

'I told you. It's been a long day,' he replied.

'Well, looks like you made some effort at least. The kids love lighting candles inside the Jack'O lanterns. At least you did something right.'

'Always the tone of surprise,' he quipped, watching as his squealing niece and nephew steamrolled past them out through door, headed for the big black SUV. Jack was there to greet them, wrapping them up in a hug.

'At least Jack made an effort,' Rhiannon jibed. 'That World War Two costume suits him.'

'Doesn't it just?' Ianto replied, grinning.

Comments

[bk_forever]

Ooh, I just wanna slap Rhi and tell her the truth. There she is, belittling her brother, after he saved the city almost single-handedly, risking life and limb! And Jack died! Twice!

Those pumpkins and their pumpkin overlord were scary. If I ever hear something going nang nang nang, I'm going to run the other way as fast as I can o_O