m_findlow | Torchwood Advent Challenge

Title: Cracking up
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters: Ianto, Torchwood team
Author: m_findlow
Rating: PG
Length: 2,967 words
Content notes: none
Author notes: Written for prompt "Cracked Coffee Cups"
Summary: Some things strange is happening to Torchwood's crockery

In fairness, it took a lot to upset Ianto. This however, had to be a whole new level of ways to irk him. He lined up all the mugs on the kitchen bench and inspected them each in turn.

'Sweet goddesses, yes please,' Jack said, coming up from behind him. 'And don't take it personally, but I'm referring to the coffee.' He stretched his arms over his head and stretched his head from side to side, letting the neck bones quietly click. 'All these late nights are starting to stack up, don't you think?' he said.

'Hmm,' Ianto hummed, only half listening, eyeing his line up of mugs, turning each in hand.

Jack paused, seeing what he was doing, which was not wiping out the mugs with a towel in preparation for some of that heavenly brew as he'd first thought. 'Uh, problem?'

'Yes,' Ianto said slowly, continuing his review.

'Morning,' Owen said, sleepily wandering in, having crashed on the sofa the night before. He was still wearing yesterday's clothes, having reasoned that coffee was more important than cleanliness.

'Coffee, Ianto, and make it quick,' Owen demanded. 'I'm gagging for a brew.'

'The mugs are cracked,' Ianto replied.

'Cracked?' Owen said, not sure he'd heard right.

'Yes, as in half broken.'

'All of them?' Jack asked.

'All of them,' he confirmed. 'It's the strangest thing. They were fine yesterday. I simply don't understand how all of our coffee cups can suddenly have cracks in them overnight.'

'Maybe there was an earth tremor,' Jack suggested.

Ianto gave him a withering look. 'An earth tremor that was restricted to our kitchen cupboard?'

'Okay, so maybe not.'

'I don't get what the big deal is,' Owen said, taking his own and inspecting it. 'So long as it still holds coffee...'

'Yes, and when the small crack in the handle becomes a large crack and the whole handle breaks off, don't come crying to me that you've got hot coffee all over you,' Ianto replied.

Jack picked up his own, noticing the jagged line that ran from the lip at the top and halfway down the side. It was hairline at best. He wasn't sure he'd have even noticed it if Ianto hadn't pointed it out. 'They're okay for now,' Jack agreed. 'Considering everything that gets thrown at this place, it's a wonder anything lasts more than five minutes.'

Ianto snatched Jack's mug back out of his hand and hugged it possessively. 'Not for want of trying,' he replied.

Not to be deterred by Ianto's displeasure at the state of their mugs, both Jack and Owen insisted that they'd run the risk of first degree burns. When the girls arrived, they too were prepared to take the risk rather than forgo their morning caffeine fix.

'Could just be wear and tear,' Gwen offered. 'You know, sticking them in the microwave all the time.'

Ianto turned to her, hands on hips. 'All of them crack on the same day? And who is microwaving my coffee? It's supposed to be drunk while it's fresh. Reheating it only makes it bitter, and not in the good way.'

Jack placed a hand on his lover's shoulder before he could get started on a tirade about the quality of his coffee, and how his team members were disrespecting the process. If Jack had learned one thing, it was never to cast aspersions on Ianto's coffee, however innocent a comment you thought it was.

'Let's just say it's not overly important. The cracked cups, that is,' Jack said, quickly salvaging his own almost faux pas. 'They're just cups after all. We'll get new ones.'

'You mean I'll get new ones,' Ianto said, brushing off Jack's hand and grabbing his coat.

It wasn't a hard ask to go down to the shops and buy new ones. It was more the principle of the matter. As far as Ianto was concerned, they shouldn't be cracked in the first place. He checked out several homeware stores, but none could match the plain blue and white striped mug that Ianto liked to think of as Jack's. There were red and white stripes, and lots with bright yellow swirls or squiggly green lines, but the only blue one he found was polka dots, and Jack just didn't strike him as a polka dot kind of guy.

In the end he settled on a mug that "World's best boss". It would do nothing to inflate Jack's already overly large ego, but it would serve to annoy Owen, so that made it a winner in his eyes. For Owen and Gwen he bought "Mr Grumpy" and "Little Miss Chatterbox", and he found a pretty mug with red and gold Japanese style images on it for Tosh. Finding one for himself proved hardest of all, but finally he sucked up the courage to go with the bold choice. A black mug with the word "sexy" emblazoned on it in gold lettering. Jack would love that, and he suspected it might get borrowed more than once, so he bought a second as a backup.

He still wasn't happy about the situation with the mugs. On his return, he'd rifled through the cupboards on both sides, pulling out plates, bowls, and water glasses, inspecting them all one by one. In hindsight, he realised he should have done it earlier, before he'd half stormed out of the hub on a mission to buy new crockery. No sense in having to make two trips. Luckily, not a one of them showed any signs of cracking. A few chips here and there, but nothing he didn't already know about. Just their mugs, then. Curious.

He unpacked the new mugs and rinsed them out. He would have had a new a round of coffee in them, except his delicate sense of smell could already detect the astringent scent of store bought coffee. He cast a look around the hub, spotting a paper cup on Tosh's desk. She gave him a meek shrug on the shoulders before binning it, taking it out of his line of sight. He growled under his breath, setting the mugs in the cupboard. As soon as the cupboard was shut, there was a small squeaking sound. He quickly thrust open the cupboard again, eyeing it carefully.

'What's up?' Jack said, spying the curious urgency with which the cupboard had been flung open.

Ianto frowned. There was nothing in there. Nothing that shouldn't be, just six coffee mugs.

'Nothing,' he replied. 'Hinges just need oiling.' That was all it was.

'Okay,' Jack said. 'Got some reports for you. Stop by my office,' he said, leaving Ianto to follow behind him.

'Okay,' he said absently. He closed the cupboard and then quickly flipped it open again. Still nothing. Just an overactive imagination.

It was a few hours later by the time Ianto returned to the kitchen. He pulled the mugs out and made a round of coffee, delivering it before returning with his small toolbox to oil the hinges on the cupboard doors. He swung them open and shut a few times, just to be sure the squeak was gone, and satisfied, left it at that.

The next morning he got up to make the first batch of coffee to go with the pile of toast he'd made for himself and Jack. When he pulled out the two new mugs, which had been washed out and put away the night before, he found the top lip of one cracked, and the handle on the other in a similar state.

'What on earth is going on around here?' He pulled out the remaining mugs and found they too were cracked.

'What?' Jack said, coming over to steal a piece of toast, and seeing the mug in Ianto's hand.

'I don't get it,' Ianto said. 'Is there a mini rift living inside the cupboard?'

'Maybe it's the dishwasher. You might not have noticed when you put them away last night.'

'I wasn't that tired Jack. And if it was the dishwasher, why isn't anything else broken?'

'I dunno,' Jack said picking up another slice of toast and inhaling it in two bites, not waiting to swallow the first before shoving in the second mouthful. 'Maybe you should check that out.'

'Check what out?'

Jack waved his hand ineffectually in the air, grabbing more toast, starting on Ianto's share. 'The mini rift thing.'

Ianto wasn't sure if Jack was being serious, but in the end he did a quick scan for rift disturbances anyway, finding nothing. 'Damn, well there goes that theory.'

He stared forlornly at the nice new mugs that were now cracked in various places. No sense taking them out now, might as well leave them there, he thought. The team would have to survive on paper cups, at least until he next went to the shops to replace them yet again. Maybe this time he'd buy those plain white ones. He wouldn't get upset if they got damaged, at least.

'Pizza's here!' Owen called out, signalling for the rest of the team to drop whatever they were doing. Somehow he'd forgotten that Gwen and Tosh were still out following up a case at the hospital, so his cries were largely pointless.

Owen dropped the boxes on the coffee table by the sofa and Jack quickly appeared.

'Go help Ianto get drinks,' he said.

'Fine,' Owen said, 'but if I find out you've scoffed three slices before I get back, there'll be hell to pay.'

Ianto was already pulling out plates and cups when Owen arrived. Owen reached into the fridge for the bottle of orange juice when he saw Ianto stop dead.

'Did you hear that?' Ianto asked.

'Hear what?'

'That squeaking sound. It was just there for a second.' Ianto whipped open the cupboard and peered into it. There was nothing there. 'Huh, I swear I heard something.'

'Rusty hinges,' Owen muttered.

'No, I fixed that.'

Owen opened the cupboard and took a look for himself. 'Nothing but a bunch of mugs. I think maybe you need to get your head checked out.'

'I'm fine,' Ianto said through gritted teeth.

'Hey, what's the hold up?' Jack said, waltzing in.

'Teaboy's going mental. Turns out the mugs are the only thing cracking up around here.'

'I thought heard something in the cupboard,' Ianto said, trying to defend himself.

Jack looked at Ianto, then at Owen, who just rolled his eyes. He went across and opened the cupboard, seeing nothing out of the ordinary. 'Looks fine to me. You sure you're feeling okay?' he said, a look of concern etched on his face. 'You've had a lot of late nights recently.'

'I'm not crazy and I'm not overtired. I just... You know what?' he said, ' Forget it. I didn't hear anything.' He reached down into the cupboard opposite to grab out the glasses and plates for lunch, wishing he hadn't said anything.

'Ianto, it's not that we don't believe you,' Jack insisted.

'Just that you don't believe me,' he replied. He felt stupid saying it. There was nothing in there. He'd scanned the thing and made sure. No crazy rift living in their cupboard damaging cups. All in his head. A good night's sleep would do him wonders, in truth.

There was suddenly a tiny beeping, just a muffled sound as they stood around the kitchenette perplexed.

'What's that?' Ianto asked.

'Oh, that'll be me,' Owen said, reaching down into the bottom of his jeans pocket and pulling out a squat metal device. 'Life signs detector. I was looking for a couple of my lab rats and thought this might shortcut the process.'

'You let your mice loose?' Jack exclaimed. 'You know how much I hate those things. Now you've got them creeping around the hub?'

'For starters,' Owen said, sounding annoyed, 'I didn't let them out. They did a runner when I forgot to put the lid back on properly. I only had my back turned for a second, but those little buggers are quick.'

'Have you found them yet?'

'No. I was interrupted by the crazy guy hearing voices in the kitchen cupboards.'

'So, what are you standing around here for now? Go find them. No pizza until they're back locked up where they're supposed to be.'

'They're just mice, Jack. Man the fuck up.'

'Hey, if you'd grown up on a planet where something that looks just like a mouse was capable of stinging you and making you sick for a week, you wouldn't fancy them either.'

Owen just rolled his eyes, but it was Ianto who looked excited.

'Gimme that,' he said, snatching the device off Owen.

'Oi!'

Ianto knelt beside the cupboard and held the device closer to the cupboards. The beeping grew more insistent, before he finally had it right on top of the cupboard where the mugs were stored. Then the beeping went off the charts.

'You didn't check for life signs earlier?' Jack asked.

'Of course I did,' Ianto said sarcastically, 'because an invisible alien hiding in the cupboard was my first guess. I mean, after the miniature rift hypothesis.'

Years of Torchwood training had taught him you never stuck your hand anywhere something alien might be able to take a chunk out of it, but right now he was past caring. Something was in there eating his crockery. He reached in quickly, shutting the door against his arm to prevent it - whatever it was - from escaping. No sooner had he moved his hand from one corner to the next, something furry brushed his hand. He grabbed it hard and pulled it out.

For a split second, there was nothing there when he hoisted it aloft, but then it changed, and a small creature appeared in the most lurid shade of neon green, Ianto having successfully grasped it by the scruff. Its tiny paws were clutching Gwen's new mug, and the edge was tucked between its tiny teeth.

'Woah,' Owen said.

'Well, that certainly explains a few things,' Jack said.

'Uh, just in case I should be letting go,' Ianto said, 'any idea what it is?'

'None whatsoever.'

'So, I've just caught an alien that eats mugs?'

Jack looked at the tiny furball in Ianto's grip. It didn't look dangerous. If anything, its eyes were wide as saucers at being caught. It was probably terrified. 'I don't think so,' Jack said. 'I think maybe it's just hungry.'

'There's a whole kitchen full of food. Why would it try to nibble on mugs?'

'If you were lost and alone, dumped on an alien world, wouldn't you hole up and hide until you sorted out what was what?'

'Fair point.'

'I suspect once we give this little guy something proper for food, he'll stop attacking your crockery,' Jack said, taking hold of it in his arms.

It didn't take long for Jack to find something that suited its palate. Owen and the girls gaped as it powered through half a pizza without the least signs of slowing down.

'It just ate twice its own weight in pepperoni and margherita,' Gwen said, astonished. She'd been famished herself by the time she and Tosh had returned, but even she couldn't have eaten that much pizza.

'Just so long as that was your share, Jack,' Owen said, piling up two slices on his own plate before there was nothing left.

'Certainly tastier than ceramics,' Ianto said, scratching its head. Now that it wasn't trying to eat his kitchenwares, it was quite cute.

'I checked out our database records,' Tosh said. 'I think it might be an Oppulcan. Harmless, and will eat just about anything, but complex carbohydrates are best.'

'An alien that lives off pizza and donuts. You're sure you're not related, Jack?' Ianto quipped.

'It takes a lot to look cute,' he said, defending himself.

'I also think it's a baby Oppulcan,' Tosh added. 'At full size they're about three feet tall.'

'Imagine how much it'd probably eat, then,' Ianto muttered. 'Would've eaten the coffee cups whole. And that would be just for entree.'

'So, it's an orphan?' Gwen said, feeling sorry for it.

'Probably got a mum and a dad somewhere,' Jack said. 'Any chance we know which rift storm this little guy traveled in on?'

'I can probably narrow it down, knowing where the reported colonies of Oppulcans live,' Tosh said, starting to run a few programs.

'So, we can send it back home?' Gwen asked hopefully

'That's the plan,' Jack replied. 'I don't think we've got room for any more pets at the moment, cute as it is.'

'Nor the budget for feeding it,' Ianto added.

It didn't take Tosh long to track down the particular rift frequencies and line up the next opening for that section of rift, which was in about three days time. They'd be able to send it back on its merry way, to what would hopefully be a set of very grateful parents.

Fed and sated, the green ball of fluff curled up happily on their sofa. Owen picked up the sleepy creature and set it inside a large holding container, 'just on the off chance it gets hungry again,' he explained. No one wanted it to decide to munch on some critical computer cabling or alien technology when its metabolism sped up again.

Ianto sighed. 'Looks like I'm back off to the shops for yet another set of new mugs. Hopefully this time they'll stay in one piece for more than twenty four hours.'

'Just so long as you do me one favour,' Jack said.

'What's that?'

'I want another mug that says "sexy" on it.'

'You didn't like the "World's best boss" one? I picked that out especially.'

'It was okay. But if they've got "World's sexiest boss", that'll do too.'

Not to mention world's biggest ego, Ianto thought.

Torchwood Advent Challenge - 5th December

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