m_findlow

Title: Language barriers
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters: Jack, Owen, Ianto, The Doctor (Eleven)
Author: m_findlow
Rating: PG
Length: 823 words
Content notes: none
Author notes: Written for juliet316's prompt "Doctor Who /Torchwood, Jack Harkness, he misses the TARDIS' ability to translate in times like these" at fic_promptly
Summary: The solution to the problem is lost in translation

'What do you mean you don't know what it says?' Owen exclaimed. 'And you call yourself a Time Agent.'

'Just because I've been around the block a few times doesn't mean that I've committed every alien language heart,' Jack replied, annoyed at Owen's lack of faith in him.

'Well, it's beeping and flashing and looking like it's about to blow up, so you'd better fucking learn real quick!'

Bloody hell, Jack thought. It was at times like these he really missed the TARDIS's ability to translate languages. It really did look like something about to blow up, and here he was with what could possibly be the instruction manual on how to turn it off, and no clue what it said.

'What chance that it's just some really fancy alarm clock?' Ianto offered, knowing the very chance of it hovered somewhere between "not very" and "none".

Jack shook the tablet. 'Come on! You must have another language in there!' he yelled at it. 'Galactic Standard is meant to be a legal minimum!'

'Are we going to die?' Ianto asked. 'Only it's Tuesday and I always though Tuesday was a rubbish day to die. Nothing exciting ever happens on a Tuesday.'

'Well, I think it's just about to,' Owen said. 'Nice knowing you.'

'Likewise.'

'We're not going to die!' Jack yelled at the pair of them, though he felt less certain about that fact than he sounded. There wasn't much that would keep him dead. The others however... No, he couldn't think like that. There must be something in this language that he could translate - some similarities to something he'd seen in the past. Why had he ever taken the TARDIS for granted? He should have spent less time frolicking around the place and more time picking up local languages. It was easy to take that sort of thing for granted when you were having a good time and had a time machine that did all the hard work for you.

'I say we push the button and to hell with it,' Owen suggested, having wanted to push it right from the get go.

'And just blow ourselves up a little quicker?' Ianto replied. 'Good idea. Can't imagine why I didn't think of that.'

Jack grabbed it and tucked the awkward item under his arm.

'Jack, what are you doing?'

'I'm going to run upstairs and try and get as far away as possible. Dump it in the bay if I can. You two need to run as far as you can in the opposite direction. Take corridor nineteen down towards the underground jetty and don't stop running.'

'And let you get blown up?' Ianto said. 'No chance.'

'Just do as I say! No one else has to die if I can get as far away as possible and try to diffuse the explosion. Go!' he screamed at them.

Before they could move, there was another sound that caught their attention. This one they knew by heart.

He couldn't tell if it was divine intervention or sheer dumb luck that just as the beeping grew more insistent, he heard the familiar whine and rumble of one blue police call box. Oh, thank the gods! Even if the TARDIS couldn't translate for him, The Doctor would know what it was and how to stop it from doing... whatever it was it was planning on doing.

The scruffy haired head, topped with a fez and sporting a jacket and bow tie, poked out through the door looking at the three of them, grinning and stepping out.

'Doctor! You're just in time! Tell us how to stop this thing from blowing up the hub!'

'Oi! That's my microwave! Leave that alone!' The Doctor cried, pulling it from Jack's grip and hugging it to his body. 'I've been waiting two hundred years for that thing to finish cooking, and the minute it's almost ready, some bloody rift storm comes and nicks it off me. I've travelled halfway across the galaxy tracing its movements. Should've known it'd end up here and that you lot might have something to do with it.'

He leaned over and pressed the button, and the beeping stopped, a hidden door on the front of the oddly shaped object popping open.

'Told you we should've pressed the button,' Owen griped.

'Well, maybe if we'd been able to read the instructions,' Jack said, handing them out to The Doctor. 'Could've used the TARDIS five minutes ago for this,' he said.

The Doctor laughed. 'Fat lot of good this would have done you,' he said. 'Although I did wonder where this had gotten to. Love a bit of Jane Austin on a cold, spacey night.'

'So, it's not an instruction manual?' Ianto asked.

'Heavens no. It's a copy of Pride and Prejudice translated into Raxacoricofallapatorian. Always thought it brought out the best of that angsty relationship between Elizabeth and Mr Darcy. English is just so boring.'