m_findlow

Title: Biggest ever
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters/Pairings: Jack, Ianto, Gwen, Owen
Word Count: 500 words
Rating: M (mainly just because of the innuendo)
Notes: Written for Challenge 48 - Huge at anythingdrabble
Summary: Jack finally has something he can be proud of (er, sort of).

Jack sat on the edge of Owen's autopsy table, swinging his legs as he waited for their medical officer to return. 'Owen says it's the biggest one he's ever seen,' he yelled out, knowing the rest of the team were above him, busily working away.

'Told you so,' Ianto replied, not even looking up from his report.

'He thinks we should take photos and submit them to some medical journal,' Jack added.

'For all of the dozen people in the world who might be even remotely interested,' Ianto replied.

'I reckon heaps of people would be interested,' Jack argued. 'Come on, don't deny you didn't spend ages checking it out.'

'Morbid fascination is funny like that.'

Jack suppressed a laugh. 'Well, I think we can all agree that you couldn't even try to compete with mine.'

'I wouldn't even attempt to,' he responded, wondering when Jack was going to get over it. 'You're quite welcome to lay claim to having the largest.'

Jack grinned at the accolade, glancing down at it again while he waited for Owen. 'It's just huge!' he said again.

'Oh, my God, would you please shut up, Jack!' Gwen yelled out.

'What?'

'We're sick of hearing about it. We all know what you're talking about, but you're making out as if it's something else entirely.'

'Trust me, Gwen,' Ianto interjected, 'any double entendres on Jack's part are purely accidental. If he wanted to crow about his endowment, he'd simply say "I've got a huge cock".'

'Hey!' Jack yelled back. 'I'd never be that crass. Even if it is true.'

'And I rest my case,' Ianto replied. At least he hadn't insisted on getting out the measuring tape this time.

'Quite,' Gwen replied, holding back from saying more. 'I think it's safe to say we'll all be glad once Owen has sorted this whole thing out.'

'Yep,' Ianto agreed. 'It'll become a distant memory. Not having to hear Jack moan about not being able to get his boot on will be a blessed relief. If he ever watched what he was doing, he might have noticed it days ago before it became such an issue.'

'I had more important things to worry about,' Jack retorted.

'Alright, Jack,' Owen called out, returning from downstairs with the equipment he needed. 'Time to get rid of this thing.'

'Already?' Jack whined. 'Bucky and I were just getting to know one another.'

'Bucky? You named it?'

'Well, it's kind of like a faithful sidekick, isn't it?'

Owen rolled his eyes. 'You're not Captain America. Most days you're not even Captain Jack.' He arranged the tools on his table. 'Foot up,' he ordered, waiting for Jack to rest it up on the gurney. 'Now just remind me,' he said. 'Which one is the toe and which one is the wart? Don't want to lance off the wrong one, do we? The British Medical Society aren't going to be in raptures over your toe. It's not the biggest ever seen.'

'Very funny, Owen.'