Torchwood: Fanfic - Lying in your own grave

[m_findlow]

Title: Lying in your own grave
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters: Ianto, Jack
Author: m_findlow
Rating: PG
Length:1,471 words
Content notes: none
Author notes: Written for badly_knitted's prompt "Torchwood, Ianto/Jack, Every time they were together, it got harder for Ianto to lie to Jack" at fic_promptly
Summary: Ianto suffers under the burden of too many lies

He'd been lain in bed with Jack for about two hours, just staring blankly at the darkened wall opposite him, in the tiny space that qualified as Jack's bedroom, but was more of a bunker, or a solitary confinement cell.

He was listening to the deep, even breaths issuing from the man laying behind him, arm wrapped lazily around his middle, and lost in the depths of sleep.

He couldn't sleep. His conscience was determined not to let him enjoy the easy peace that sleep would bring. He'd managed about twenty minutes but now he was wide awake once more. All he could think of was one word. Betrayal.

He gently crept out from under Jack's embrace, slipping from the bed and careful not to wake the other man.

He knew it was a risk going to see Lisa now. If Jack woke up and found him gone, he might come looking for him, and if he did, he might find Lisa. So far her hideaway had remained undiscovered.

Part of him couldn't help but wonder if he didn't want to be caught out by Jack. All the secrets and lies were becoming heavier and heavier a burden to carry. How easy would it be to inadvertently lead him to her and have his secrets finally exposed.

But he knew he couldn't. He'd worked so hard to maintain the lie this far. And he knew the consequences of failure.

Torchwood existed to destroy alien threats, and he was under no illusion that a cyberman would be destroyed in a heartbeat.

There was another reason he didn't want to let the secret go. He knew that once he was outed, Jack would cease to look at him in the same way, refuse to touch him in that gentle way that had become almost familiar and welcoming. He wasn't sure he wanted that to end. He loved Lisa with all his heart, but some part of him had begun to crave Jack's attentions. He wanted to remain invisible to protect the secret that would destroy them both, but for a few short moments each day, he felt like someone could actually see him, even if all they saw was the lie that he wore as a mask.

Jack could give him the one thing he needed: physical comfort and emotional detachment.

He didn't have to pretend they had a romantic connection, they were just satisfying a physical need.

What he needed right now was confirmation of the emotional connection he still had with Lisa. He had to keep believing that she was still the same person she'd been before. He had to believe that there was still hope.

Lisa was sleeping too. At least he hoped she was. It was hard to tell sometimes, and most of the time it was a drug induced sleep at best. Sometimes she was in so much pain that it broke his heart, and it was all he could do to help, sending her away into a mindless oblivion. He occasionally wondered if it wouldn't have been kinder to increase the dosage so high that she might just drift away permanently to a place where there was no more pain and no metal shell imprisoning her soul.

Once or twice he'd genuinely considered euthanasia, but he'd been too cowardly to go through with it. He loved her too much to let her go, and he knew that if he could ever find the strength to do it he'd have to kill himself as well, because he wouldn't be able to bear the pain of continuing on alone. Then he'd remember the warm feeling of Jack's lips on his, and wasn't sure he could live without that either.

He was resolved. He would just go down and check on her, just for ten minutes or so. Just to know she was still okay.

He stopped for a moment before he left the relative security of Jack's bunker and took a moment to gaze at the man who'd become his way into Torchwood, and hopefully his salvation. He was still sleeping peacefully, and there was an expression on his face whilst he slumbered that wasn't there when he was awake, though Ianto couldn't quite place the emotion of it. He only knew that he could have watched that expression for hours.

It hadn't always been like that. Of the few times he stayed the night, he had sometimes been almost belted to death by the thrashing and violence that signalled some sort nightmare Jack was going through. He didn’t always wake from them, and on the few occasions he had, Ianto had pretended to be fast asleep. It wasn't that he didn't want to know Jack's secrets, but more that he knew he'd potentially have to share in return. Still a part of him ached to know what terrors troubled their indestructible Captain.

He didn't have to love Jack, and he was pretty sure that the feeling was mutual. Jack was attracted to him at a physical level. Jack was just using him for sex. He knew that, and that was okay. He was only lying to his boss, not someone more important.

And then he'd started offering for Ianto to stay the whole night. Admittedly, it made it much easier for Ianto being as close as he could be to Lisa He didn't have to make quite as many excuses for hanging around late. Jack would head out on matters unknown, and come back hours later. Ianto had free reign during that time and no reason for his continued presence to be questioned. If he was still there when Jack returned, they might have a bit of fun. At least Ianto had pretended he was having fun.

But now he found himself questioning his own motives. Did he not look forward to Jack's touch just a little bit? Was it not just a little bit nice having someone to curl up to and hold, even if he couldn't squeeze quite as tightly as he might like, for fear of giving away too much?

Some nights he lay there awake for hours, pretending to be asleep, just like tonight. Other nights he was too emotionally exhausted to do anything else but sleep.

And still he'd kept up the lie that he and Jack were having a bit of fun on the side with no agendas and no commitment. As far as he could tell, that was all Jack wanted. He never asked him anything about his personal life, so he'd never volunteered it, and that seemed fine. It wasn't an outright lie, but it was perhaps a lie by omission. He wasn't even sure what he'd say if Jack did ask him.

Once or twice he was ready to come clean, but as soon as he walked into Jack's office he lost his nerve. Perhaps Jack could fix the things he couldn't, was the prevailing thought, since he'd made very little progress of his own, but he might just as well shoot on sight. So still the Pandora's box remained tightly shut.

None of the others had made much more of an effort than Jack. That made it easier. He knew how they felt about Torchwood One and what had happened there. He wouldn't find any sympathy from them. Certainly not from Owen and Suzie in any case. Perhaps Tosh could have helped. She seemed nice enough, and she was great with anything technical or mechanical, but it was a risk, and she seemed the honest type who might very well mention it to Jack. After all he was just the teaboy. It was another reason why no one bothered to question the disappearances for random deliveries, paperwork that needed sorting down in the archives, or any of the other paltry excuses he'd made to head down to the sub-basement level unaccompanied and unquestioned. He'd seamlessly faded into the background. Except when he was alone with Jack.

He felt torn, standing there in the darkness. The reason he'd gotten up was to see Lisa and be comforted by her presence, but at the same time he felt himself wanting to crawl back under the covers with Jack. And he could if he wanted. Just pass it off as needing the loo and waiting to see if the discerning blue eyed gaze could strip away the lie from the truth. What was one more lie? But suddenly he knew that if Jack did wake, he wouldn't be able to utter the words. Instead he would probably end up confessing everything. The tremendous weight of his guilt screamed out for absolution

He looked longingly at the handsome man one last time before turning and making his hasty exit.

Please wake up so I can tell you what a monster I am.

Comments

[bk_forever]

Oh Ianto! So conflicted, torn between his love for Lisa and his attraction towards Jack, hating himself for betraying them both and half wanting to be found out so that he can stop lying to everyone. All his tangled emotions are tearing him apart. If Lisa hadn't gone on the rampage when she did, I think Ianto probably would have imploded and suffered a complete mental breakdown.

Thanks for writing this!