m_findlow | Torchwood: Fanfic - Date night disaster

Title: Date night disaster
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters: Andy, Gwen
Author: m_findlow
Rating: PG
Length: 1,013 words
Content notes: none
Author notes: Written for badly_knitted's prompt "any, any, disastrous date" at fic_promptly
Summary: Andy tries out online dating

It was one of those conversations he wished he didn't have to have, but being partners, it was all about being open and honest. All things Andy didn't generally have a problem with, except that being open and honest is what had gotten him into this whole mess to begin with. If only he'd been less overt in his attentions on Gwen, she wouldn't have had to let him down slightly less than gently. Gwen was with Rhys and that was that. There would never be a Gwen and Andy. At least, not in any foreseeable future that Gwen could imagine.

And that hadn't made for an awkward conversation! It was a wonder she hadn't requested a transfer, he thought at the time. But that was Gwen. She wasn't about to let a silly little thing like Andy's crush on her ruin their working relationship.

It was also why they were having this conversation right now, and sod it to hell if Andy was about to subject himself to further humiliation on that front.

'So, how was last night?' Gwen asked excitedly. 'What did you say her name was?'

'Madeleine, and actually, we had a really great time.'

No, in actual fact, it was an absolute bloody disaster, and I'm not even sure that was her real name. I mean, online dating? Who thought that was a good idea? As well she could have turned out to be Gary from Splott. Tell me, which vindictive God did I upset in a previous life?

'Oh that's great! And where did you go?'

'Uh, that new place down by the bay, not sure if you know it. Terzo's?

'Oh yes, Rhys and I have been meaning to try it. Good?'

'Lovely. You really should go.'

At least then one of us will know. In truth, we went to the pub first. My idea, but I said to myself, might be a good chance to relax a bit first, you know, have a drink, bit of chit chat. Get all those first date jitters out of the way. Never actually made it to the restaurant. How was I to know she had some sort of gluten intolerance which meant Italian was off the menu? Not exactly what you'd call the best start to a date, but being the stupid idiot that I am, I figured, well, could be worse. At least we didn't go and she had some sort of freaky allergy that caused her to swell up to the size of a sumo wrestler.

Gwen was right into it now. It was lucky they were out on patrol so she didn't see every facial expression as Andy tried to keep up appearances.

'So tell me a little bit about her.'

'She works in human resources at a local call centre.'

Although in her case they should call it inhuman resources since she spent the first half hour banging on about some bloke called Anton who she suspects is stealing her lunch out of the fridge every day, and is considering lacing the whole lot with chilli powder in order to catch him out. Although I can't imagine why you would, and it's probably all that new age quinoa and broccoli bollocks. Honestly, what bloke in their right mind would bother with that?

'And?' Gwen persisted.

'She's, uh, very career minded.'

That would be the part where she interrogated me on my career aspirations, or lack of them, as she kindly put it, and that at my age I should have progressed to detective sergeant if I was to have any hope of being considered a proper policeman. I had a right mind to tell her that a rugby crowd on a Friday night is a serious problem in this city, and that it's thanks to the selfless constables pounding the pavement that she can trundle home safely at night. Ungrateful cow.

'And she lives on her own and has a flat down by the river.'

Probably because she can't find anyone who can stand more than five minutes of her constant griping and charming personality. Did I mention her complete lack of a sense of humour? My cheese joke? Guaranteed winner in all situations. Not even a twitch. I'm half convinced she's a robot, or had a lobotomy.

'Oh, and she has a cat.'

Which I heard plenty about after the third glass of wine, when she suddenly diverged from ranting about ex best friend Sharon, who is being swindled by her boyfriend Pablo, who apparently smuggled himself into the country in a container ship, and is now probably half way to Majorca with all her money. That's when she started bawling her eyes about the bloody cat who was staying the night at the vets, and who might die from an abcess in its paw. She also didn't appreciate my telling her that it's chances of survival were actually quite high. Yes, she seriously said, "and are you a qualified vet?".

'Sound like it was a good night.'

'Mmmm,' Andy hummed.

Oh yes. If you just ignore the diatribe about Tory fiscal policy, and the instruction from the barman to clear out when she asked him if he was maintaining a second till behind the bar that Revenue and Customs don't know about. Che Guevara would have been so chuffed. He was only asking her if she'd like another drink! I still have no idea how I ever got out of there alive.

'So you fancy there'll be a second date sometime in the near future?'

Andy had to cover the scoffing sound with a forced cough.

'I'd say there's a reasonable chance.'

A reasonable chance that I'd rather claw my eyes out with a screwdriver and pour hydrochloric acid on my genitals.

Gwen smiled that sympathetic smile of hers.

'That's really great, Andy. I'm so glad you're getting out there, and that we've put this whole other business to rest.'

Me too. God you're a lucky bastard, Rhys.

Andy sighed inwardly and wished there was a brick wall he could smack his head against.

Torchwood: Fanfic - Date night disaster

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