Torchwood: Fanfic: Hard to please

[m_findlow]

Title: Hard to please
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters: Jack, Ianto, OC
Author: m_findlow
Rating: PG
Length: 860 words
Content notes: none
Author notes: Written for m_findlow's prompt "Any, any, they didn't like my cooking" at fic_promptly
Summary: Ianto has gone above and beyond to make their guests feel welcome.

Jack bowed politely at the alien congregation as they loitered outside the entrance to their vessel, finalising their preparations to leave. 'We hope that you've enjoyed your stay here,' Jack said, 'and that they information exchange codex provides you with valuable research on this planet's history and culture.'

Their leader bowed back, though not as deeply, clutching the small hard drive unit in its eight fingered hands. 'We have learnt much and will include this planet on future research expeditions.'

'We aim to please,' Jack said. 'I know my team will have done everything possible to make your stay as pleasant and comfortable as possible.' At this point he threw a look towards Ianto who had joined him in seeing off their visitors.

'We were well attended to, although next time we would prefer to sample the local cuisine rather than your attempts to accommodate our own.'

Jack didn't let the comment faze him even though he could sense Ianto bristling next to him. 'Consider it done. We'll have the best takeaway pizza this side of the Severn ready and waiting for you. Not to mention some of Ianto's incredible coffee. No one makes coffee like him.'

The aliens exchanged worried glances at one another before their leader nodded. 'We shall look forward to this pizza,' it said, before turning and boarding the ship, followed by its crew.

Jack waved and then turned to Ianto, seeing a puzzled look on his face. 'If this is about the coffee thing,' Jack began.

'They didn't like my cooking,' Ianto blurted out, catching Jack by surprise. He knew how protective Ianto was about his coffee, but as for his other culinary endeavors, Jack couldn't fault him at all.

'I don't understand it,' Ianto said, scratching the back of his head and looking perplexed. 'I followed the recipes to the letter, and believe me, it wasn't easy. Half the ingredients I'd never even heard of until a few weeks ago. I managed to import all but one of them from our friends on the intergalactic trade routes. The last one had me stumped, though. I must have researched fifteen different databases to try and get to grips with what that particular spice was meant to taste like and find the closest equivalent here on Earth. Cardamom was the closest thing I could find. Do you think that's what I messed up? Do you think I offended them?'

Jack chuckled and grabbed Ianto by the waist, pulling him close and kissing him on the forehead. 'I think it's adorable that you went to so much effort for our guests. I'll bet they don't get that kind of treatment everywhere they go. In fact, I'm certain they don't.'

'But they said next time...'

'Exactly,' Jack replied, interrupting Ianto before he could finish verbalising the thought. 'Next time, which means they plan on coming back. If you'd upset them they would have left without so much as even saying so. They're not always the most diplomatic species to deal with, though I have to say they were remarkably polite considering my dealings with them in the past.'

'That still doesn't explain why they turned their noses up at the food.' He frowned and contemplated the possibilities. 'Perhaps I misread one of the instructions or translated it incorrectly.'

'I'm sure you did everything to absolute perfection as always,' Jack assured him. Ianto was a stickler and would have dotted every I and crossed every T. 'Did you taste it yourself?'

Ianto pulled a face. 'It wasn't really my cup of tea, but I know that different species have different palates.'

'What was then spice you said you were missing?'

'Araveya seed. There was one trader who had it but it was going to take three weeks to get here.'

Jack nodded. 'You were pretty close. It's got a little more heat than cardamom, though.'

'So, mine was too bland,' Ianto surmised.

'I'm just impressed you managed to find an alternative that wasn't a million miles off the mark. Imagine trying to explain to an alien what ginger tastes like. Every planet has its own plant life, its own unique seeds and roots and leaves, so it has spices that are all its own and completely different to a planet in the next galaxy. Besides, he said, things taste totally different when cooked in zero gravity or even artificial gravity. It's all to do with the lack of steam rising or the relative smokiness you can create. Chances are your version was actually more pungent and flavoursome than what they're used to.'

Ianto huffed, folding his arms across his chest and looking annoyed. 'Well, perhaps the recipe should have specified that. That's like not telling you whether the oven should have the fan on or not, or what temperature.'

Jack laughed. Only Ianto could get wound up by an alien cookbook not being clear enough on the exact gravitational conditions required to perfect a dish. 'How about from now on you stick to what you know? Any alien that comes here and turns their noses up at your coffee is a alien we don't want to have dealings with.'

Comments

[bk_forever]

Poor Ianto, he's such a perfectionist, but it's no fun when your efforts are dismissed so completely, especially by people you're trying to impress.