m_findlow

Title: Don't go
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters: Ianto, Jack
Author: m_findlow
Rating: PG
Length: 1,218 words
Content notes: none
Author notes: Written for m_findlow's prompt "Any, any, if you left, it would kill me" at fic_promptly
Summary: Ianto wasn't ready to confront Jack again.

Ianto had been wondering how long it might take before he found Jack standing there on the doorstep of his apartment. He hadn't gone out of his way to hide the location of his new London flat. What would have been the point? They all knew he was working at UNIT, so he had to be living somewhere in the city. It was still a big enough city to get lost in, but perhaps he wanted to be found. The truth of the matter was that he hadn't given up on them entirely. He just needed some time and space.

Leaving Cardiff and leaving Jack was the hardest thing he'd ever done. It was just all too much. He should be dead yet he wasn't. Jack had done something to him that had spared him from the deadly virus unleashed by the 456. Whether that was a one off or a permanent thing, he didn't want to find out. There was already too much going on inside his head, without having to dwell on those implications. He hadn't necessarily been ready for death, no matter how much he told himself the job was going to kill him one day. He supposed that was what made life so precious, that even when you thought you'd accepted your fate, you still clung to it desperately the minute they tried to take it away from you.

What was harder was that he'd said his goodbyes. He'd made his peace with Jack. At least he knew he'd die having been loved, even if Jack couldn't say the words. He'd said them and that was enough.

Then he'd come back. It was all over by the time he could do anything. It was the finding out how it had ended that had destroyed his world. Discovering what Jack had done to save them made him feel sick. His family were safe. Gwen and Rhys were safe. Nothing else mattered so he'd gone home, shocking them all with his miraculous survival.

Jack was gone. For weeks there'd been no word. He was in his own personal version of hell. And then one day he'd returned to Cardiff and discovered the news for himself. It should have been a joyous reunion, but it was marred with bitterness. After just a few days living together in the same flat, trying to pretend everything was fine, Ianto came to the realisation that everything was not fine. They weren't the same people they'd been beforehand. Jack had kept too many secrets, and now it was getting too late to start revealing them. There was a whole other person inside him that Ianto didn't even know. He tried to forgive Jack his secrets, having lived so long, but it was his actions since then that Ianto found most difficult to forgive. How could anyone sacrifice their own flesh and blood?

The decision came to him easier than expected. Politically and practically, the world was still a mess. Torchwood was gone, but there were other ways he could begin to help repair some of the damage done. He felt like he owed it to the world after Torchwood had let it down so badly. A few quick calls has secured him a job at UNIT, effective start date immediate.

What hurt even more was that Jack did nothing to stop him. He could tell his departure hurt the man, but beyond that, he didn't fight for them. Ianto knew he'd cave if only Jack said the words, begging him to stay. It had to be this way, at least until he could figure out if there was anything left for them to salvage.

If he expected Jack to look gaunt and tired, he was disappointed. He stood there looking just as he always did. Only his eyes betrayed any sort of passage of time.

'What do you want?' Ianto asked, wishing it hadn't come out quite so harsh.

'I just wanted to see you.'

'You could have called ahead. I might have been out.'

'But you're not.'

'That's not the point.' He could have made sure he would be out. Foverer if need be. He wasn't sure he'd ever be ready to face Jack.

Jack gripped the edge of the door, but made no move to step inside. 'If you left, it would kill me.'

'I did leave,' Ianto replied. 'And yet here we both are. Very much alive.'

He didn't like to admit that he'd found a way to keep going despite everything. Or perhaps he'd just buried himself so deeply in work that he was denying himself the chance to think about what he'd walked away from. One day it might hit him, but for now he'd carry on as best he could.

'Nobody can ever hate me more than I hate myself. Not you, not Alice. I have to live with that forever. What I can't live with is having to face every day without you there, even if you hate me.'

'What are you saying? You want me to live with you, even if it makes me miserable?'

'Would it?'

'What? Make me miserable?' He wasn't exactly having a ball right now. How much worse would it be if Jack were here? Did he have the energy to pretend they could work something out?

'Forget it,' Jack said, sensing Ianto's reticence. 'I've seen you. That's all I really wanted.' He turned to leave and Ianto thrust his hand out, reaching for the arm of Jack's coat.

'Wait. You can't just come all this way and then leave.'

Jack turned to face him, his face scrunched up. 'I know when I'm not wanted.'

'Stop being so bloody impetuous,' Ianto retorted. Jack had always driven him nuts with his all or nothing, five year old attitude. 'You turn up here unannounced and just expect me to know what to say?'

'You've had enough time to rehearse it,' Jack spat back. 'Just say it and go. I've got places to be.'

'Liar.'

Jack narrowed his eyes. 'What did you say?'

Ianto stood straighter. 'I called you a liar. You've got nowhere to go. More to the point, you've go no one.'

Jack pointed angrily at him. 'And everyone else is still alive because of it! I gave up everything, so yeah, you're right. I've got nothing. Planing on taking the next cargo cruiser out of here. She's due to fly past Earth some time in the next few hours.'

That stopped Ianto dead in his tracks. 'Wait, you're leaving?'

'You were a loose end. Needed to tie it up first.'

Ianto was stunned. Jack sounded serious. Would he really just leave? If Jack left he wouldn't come back. He didn't know what his feelings were about everything that had happened, but he knew he didn't want Jack to leave. 'Don't,' he said.

'Don't what?' Jack replied, sounding annoyed.

'If you left, it would kill me,' Ianto replied, repeating Jack's earlier words. He held his breath, waiting for Jack to do or say something in response. He looked ambivalent. 'Please come inside,' Ianto begged. 'I'll make us coffee.'

'That's one thing I will miss,' Jack replied.

'Not if you stay.' He'd make the best damn coffee of all time, if it could just buy them more time to work things out.