m_findlow

Title: A forest of files
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters: Ianto, Owen
Author: m_findlow
Rating: PG
Length: 1,000 words
Content notes: none
Author notes: Written for Bingo Card Prompt 55 - Forest at fffc
Summary: Owen and Ianto have a growing pile of paperwork to resolve.

Owen knew there was a problem the minute he heard those ridiculously polished shoes clicking hurriedly towards him. His suspicions were further confirmed by the fact that Ianto was not only out of breath but red in the face from the effort.

‘You look like you just ran all the way from the archives,’ Owen remarked, taking in the uncharacteristically disheveled young man.

Ianto came to a stop and leaned a hand on Owen's desk, catching his breath. ‘I have.’

‘Ran out of post it notes?’ God he hoped that was all it was. Knowing Ianto, that actually would be a crisis.

‘We've got a problem,’ he said without preamble. ‘A really big problem.’

‘End of the world problem?’ Owen knew Ianto wasn't the type to exaggerate, but all the same it never hurt to ask.

‘Um, not sure the world will end because of if, but then again…’ He cringed.

Owen sighed and pulled open his drawer, extracting his gun.

‘Don't think that'll help,’ Ianto said. ‘Probably best you just come see for yourself. And quickly. I really don't know just how fast this thing is spreading.’

Spreading? Of all the times to have been left in charge of the hub whilst Gwen and Tosh were out on a case.

Ianto tugged at his sleeve impatiently like a child wanting an ice-cream at the beach. ‘Come on!’

Owen might have sworn that this was a terrible practical joke but Ianto wasn't much of a prankster, nor could he have made a bunch of giant trees suddenly appear in the archives. Only they weren't real trees. At least Owen didn't think so. These kind had thick manila files all over them, like weird officy fruit. He just hoped they didn't decide they were deciduous and drop on him.

‘I don't know how long they've been here,’ Ianto began. ‘I haven't been down here since last Tuesday, but I don't think it's been long. I counted eighteen of them when I left and now it looks like more have sprung up since.’

Sprung up? Owen thought. There weren't exactly little saplings. They were as tall as the roof, which down here was a solid forty feet. ‘Trees don't just grow out of nothing.’

‘Well, these do!’ As he said it, Owen blinked and suddenly there was another one just a few feet from where they were standing. It hadn't ruptured out of the concrete floor. It had simply appeared out of nowhere, fully grown and sprouting manilla files all over it like a cherry tree sprouted blossoms.

Owen gazed up at the thirty foot monstrosity. ‘You know, I always said paperwork would be the death of us.’

‘No. I think it was Jack who said that.’

Owen snorted at the reference to their former commander. He didn't need to be constantly reminded about what Jack would have said or would have done or would have decided. Jack wasn't bloody here and so he didn't get to have an opinion in absentia. ‘Yeah, well he would,’ was all Owen said in reply. Nobody avoided red tape the way Jack did. Owen should know since he'd been lumped with a ton of it since.

‘I'm sure I had a nightmare about something like this once’, Ianto observed. ‘Trapped in an endless forest of files that I couldn't escape.’

‘Join the club,’ Owen muttered. Except most of his had been the kind that ended up reality, said aforementioned boss having dumped most of it on Owen.

Ianto frowned. ‘So, what do we do?’

‘Got a chainsaw?’

‘I'm worried that if they keep going at this rate, one of them is bound to sprout up and knock over the shelves. They'll all go like a row of dominoes after that and God only knows what alien tech might get broken or activate itself.’

That was a very good point, and very frightening prospect.

Ianto set his hands on his hips and looked like he was quickly moving from concern to downright panic as three more trees appeared from nowhere, dangerously close to the nearest shelves. ‘It's times like these I wish I had a normal office job, with nice normal office files that didn't manifest on alien trees in the middle of nowhere!’

Owen did a double take. ‘Wait, what did you say earlier?’

‘What do we do?’

‘No, the other other thing. About once having a nightmare about this.’

‘Lost in a forest of files? Sure. Who hasn't?’

Owen for one, he felt like saying. ‘What were you doing down here last time you were here?’

Ianto shrugged. ‘Nothing much. Just putting barcodes on some of the old artifacts before their tags fade to nothing.’

‘Show me where.’

Ianto navigated him beyond the trees and showed him the stack of boxes. Owen rifled through them. ‘Ah ha!’

‘What?’

Owen pulled out the device. ‘Jack swore to me it didn't work anymore. That or he was just lying.’

‘What is it?’

‘Neural projector. Meant to be some kind of futuristic police thing that helps traumatised eyewitnesses recreate images of what they saw.’

‘Like a sketch artist?’

‘Sort of.’ Owen fiddled with the device. ‘If I can just get it to turn off then maybe…’ He pressed a series of buttons on it and suddenly there was a popping sound and all the trees began blinking back out of existence. ‘Thank bleeding Christ for that,’ Owen muttered.

‘So I set it off? By accident, I mean?’ Ianto asked.

‘Let's just be grateful you didn't have any other bad dreams.’

Ianto nodded wordlessly. Owen realised things could have been much worse. An army of cyberman and daleks could have flooded the hub and who knew just how real they might have been. ‘Let's be grateful we didn't end up with a hundred naked Jacks popping up everywhere. That's more than anyone could handle.’

‘I've never dreamt of a hundred naked Jacks.’

Owen rolled his eyes. ‘Sure you haven't.’ Now fifty naked girls, that would be something else.