Fffc Bingo Card - Leaving is too easy

[m_findlow]

Title: Leaving is too easy 
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters: Jack
Author: m_findlow
Rating: PG
Length: 1,000 words
Content notes: Post CoE AU
Author notes: Written for Bingo Card Prompt 97 - Leaving at fffc
Summary: Jack is torn between staying and trying to fix things or just letting things end. 

Jack could smell the lingering scent of Ianto's cologne which hung in the air even though the man himself had already walked out the door. He took a deep breath of it. It smelled just the same as it always did. He wasn't sure why he expected it to be different but he had. Like so much that had happened, Ianto seemed like a changed person in his eyes. Or maybe it was Jack that had changed. Nothing felt the same anymore. 

Jack ran a hand over his face, feeling the hard stubble that had blossomed since yesterday. He knew he looked like hell and yet couldn't bring himself to do anything about it. He hadn't come to London to win anybody over with his charming looks and winning smile. He couldn't even remember the last time he'd smiled. He hadn't had a reason to. Happiness wasn't meant for him. Even after last night… 

He leaned against the back of the long leather sofa. He shouldn't have slept with Ianto. He just… He was leaving. That was the decision he'd made because there was nothing left here on Earth for him. Without Ianto he felt empty. Ianto had left him, by choice, and Jack didn't know how to fix it, or even if it could be fixed. He'd done something so terrible he could understand all the reasons why Ianto would never forgive him. He'd murdered his grandson. That was unforgivable. He couldn't even forgive himself for what he'd done. He certainly didn't expect anyone else to. 

Please be here when I get home. That was the promise Ianto wanted him to make. Yet Ianto had just walked out of the apartment and gone to work like there was no real conviction in those words. He hadn't wanted to stay and fix things. He was desperate to get out of there, to put space between them until he could figure out whether he really wanted Jack back in his life or if the words were just a hollow way of delaying the inevitable. Perhaps Jack should just leave right now and save them both the trouble and the hurt. Perhaps he should have just left last night and not come by here at all. Perhaps Ianto was better off without Jack in his life. In fact, he was almost certain of that fact, yet he still loved Ianto with every fibre of his being. Having him walk away and leave Jack had broken his heart right when he needed healing the most. 

After Ianto had left him, moving to loading permanently to be closer to his new job with UNIT, Jack too had taken off. He didn't want to be in Cardiff without Ianto and without Torchwood. He definitely didn't want to be lingering at Gwen's, having cups of tea thrust upon him and told in no uncertain terms that ia time was being an idiot - that they were both being idiots - and that he should go right down there and tell Ianto how much he was loved. He didn't need Gwen to tell him that. He knew it himself, but it didn't make the hurt and the fear go away. 

He'd been loads of places in the last few months, trying to figure out if he could find somewhere that would accommodate his existence, but in the end he kept coming back to the same conclusion. If Ianto didn't want him, there was nothing left for him here. He should just go and never come back. He considered just leaving, avoiding the awkward goodbyes, but he'd come back to London because it felt like one last betrayal to just disappear without a word. Still, he'd pottered around the capital for two weeks before finally mustering the courage to do it. That it coincided with a passing transport ship sealed it for him. He'd say goodbye and then be gone an instant later. No more hanging around and hurting. 

Then Ianto had begged him to stay, just for one night. How could he not? He'd always grasped for any tiny fragment of hope. Ianto had made love to him last night like they never would again. Jack could tell he was torn up inside. He'd never been able to physically resist Jack, but their relationship had to be about more than just sex. 

Jack sighed, staring around the empty apartment. It didn't feel like Ianto's. It didn't have any of the personal touches he expected to flourish after months of being settled. Perhaps he hadn't settled, and it wasn't like Ianto to accept charity, the apartment being part and parcel of his employment arrangement. He'd have wanted to get his own place just as soon as he could. He couldn't help but wonder if Ianto wasn't also in some kind of holding pattern, waiting for Jack to make the next move. 

He reluctantly showered, borrowed a razor and put his clothes back on. Ianto wanted him to be here when he came home, but he needed air. He needed busy London and to be surrounded by people. He couldn't stay cooped up here on the off chance Ianto came back early. And he needed coffee, even if it was store bought. Making himself at home and raiding Ianto's possibly barren fridge felt too familiar. He couldn't sit on the sofa all day, watching television and eating cereal. He didn't know what came next but he needed space to let it all sink in and consider the possibility that they might yet fix things. 

He left a quick note on the counter “out for a walk, be back soon” so Ianto would know he hadn't been abandoned. He resisted the urge to put kisses on the end. It felt like too much, too soon. He might get back first and be able to destroy the note, but why risk it. If Ianto didn't know by now that Jack couldn't live without him, then there really wasn't any hope left for them.