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m_findlowTitle: The heavy burden
Fandom: Torchwood
Once bitten, twice shy, isn't that what they say? You'd think I'd have learned the first time how costly it could be to keep secrets. I can't help it. Like I said, once bitten, twice shy. You trust someone completely and they burn you. You learn that you can get your heart really broken. Perhaps broken isn't quite the right word for it. A broken heart is what I ended up with because I lied to people, but the trust breaking came first.
I liked Yvonne. Not everybody could say that about her. She was the kind of person who was determined to break the glass ceiling with a stiletto, but without making it a case for martyrdom. She just went and did it. She didn't want praise for it, she just wanted to do her job. And she was good at it, mostly. Okay, so we had our occasional disagreements. She got really suspicious about Rachael Allen and her career aspirations. I wasn't a fan of the Ghost Machine project. Turned out we both had a point at one time or another. The only difference was Yvonne being wrong cost us a lot more than a handful of agents and one really memorable team building event. Nobody expects to get blown up in the name of cross-departmental collaboration.
I trusted Yvonne when she said nothing bad could happen. Ghosts are just ghosts. They don't have physical bodies; they can't interact with our world. Maybe she would have been right if they'd actually been just ghosts. Cybermen however are real, and very, very deadly. They took away everything I loved, but not before destroying what was left of my life. Lying and keeping secrets didn't change the outcome, but when you've convinced yourself that you're the only one who can save someone, it's amazing what lies you'll tell yourself to justify the means.
That's why I'm sitting here in a pub in Radyr, feeling annoyed that Jack has turned up, and Jack seemingly annoyed that I'm the one here, cramping his style. Turns out Torchwood One and Torchwood Three aren't as dissimilar as they liked to think. Yvonne and Jack both like to have things their way. Trouble is, that can land you in a whole lot more than trouble. Only I don't think anyone has told Jack no before.
One thing is for sure though - he hates being lied to. I did it before, when I was trying to save Lisa. It almost cost us all our lives. I should have learned then that keeping things from Jack was a mistake. But Jack is more like Yvonne than he'll ever admit. Kill something before it kills you. Become the predator before you become the prey. Is that what I'm doing here? Become the prey?
No, this isn't one of those situations. Yes, something bad is happening here. There's a barmaid convincing people she has the answers to all of life's problems. Truthfully, I wish she did. Life since Torchwood has been one long list of problems. But she isn't worth killing. A few answers to resolve what happened to those people who went missing from around here. Did she kill them? Did they kill themselves? Or did she just show them a way to leave this place behind? I hope that's all she did. Maybe she'll show me and I can leave this place behind as well. Then there'd be no more reason for me to keep things secret anymore. I wouldn't have to worry about what Jack will do when he finds out I've been lying to him again, investigating cases without telling anyone - not that anyone seemed to care about this particular case. People with crappy lives going missing apparently doesn't count for much. Maybe that's why it's been so easy to lie to them all. I'm just another crappy life not worth saving.
Jack's got that glint in his eye though. The one that likes showing off around me. I wonder if he's trying to impress me. Does wanting to impress me mean something more? Now really isn't the time to be thinking about that. Even if we make it through tonight, there's still one more secret I haven't told him. I think I'm in love with him.
That's what makes this whole thing so screwed up. Part of me wants out of this life, but part of me is still desperately trying to cling to it and make it work. If I was better at being a Torchwood agent, would Jack look at me differently? Would he want me the way I want him? Isn't this the real reason why I'm here, trying to solve a case without anyone's help in the hopes that Jack will be the one impressed with me? "That was some sleuthing, Ianto Jones. What's say you come back to mine where I can reward you properly?" Ridiculous, isn't it? After tonight, it's more likely to be "I told you what would happen if you lied to me again." One little class five retcon pill and two years of my memories would be wiped clean. No more Torchwood, no more lies, no more remembering everything I've lost along the way. Maybe that's better, or maybe it's no better than a barmaid offering exactly the same thing.
Jack's arrival here could just be a coincidence. Highly unlikely, but if he's come looking for missing people then everything I've spent weeks building towards could unravel in a heartbeat. I know it's her, and I'm almost close enough to get her to reveal the truth. I just need Jack out of the way.
An idea bubbles under the surface. I don't love it, but there's one sure fire way to get someone ejected from a pub… One thing Jack has learned about me is that I have a mean right hook. If finding out the hard way whether Jack can return the favour if sufficiently riled, then that's the price I'm willing to pay.
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters: Ianto
Author: m_findlow
Rating: PG
Length: 1,000 words
Content notes: none
Author notes: Written for Challenge 140 - Learning lessons at ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
fandomweekly
fandomweeklySummary: Ianto has learned the hard way the cost of keeping secrets, but that doesn't always stop him from keeping more.
Once bitten, twice shy, isn't that what they say? You'd think I'd have learned the first time how costly it could be to keep secrets. I can't help it. Like I said, once bitten, twice shy. You trust someone completely and they burn you. You learn that you can get your heart really broken. Perhaps broken isn't quite the right word for it. A broken heart is what I ended up with because I lied to people, but the trust breaking came first.
I liked Yvonne. Not everybody could say that about her. She was the kind of person who was determined to break the glass ceiling with a stiletto, but without making it a case for martyrdom. She just went and did it. She didn't want praise for it, she just wanted to do her job. And she was good at it, mostly. Okay, so we had our occasional disagreements. She got really suspicious about Rachael Allen and her career aspirations. I wasn't a fan of the Ghost Machine project. Turned out we both had a point at one time or another. The only difference was Yvonne being wrong cost us a lot more than a handful of agents and one really memorable team building event. Nobody expects to get blown up in the name of cross-departmental collaboration.
I trusted Yvonne when she said nothing bad could happen. Ghosts are just ghosts. They don't have physical bodies; they can't interact with our world. Maybe she would have been right if they'd actually been just ghosts. Cybermen however are real, and very, very deadly. They took away everything I loved, but not before destroying what was left of my life. Lying and keeping secrets didn't change the outcome, but when you've convinced yourself that you're the only one who can save someone, it's amazing what lies you'll tell yourself to justify the means.
That's why I'm sitting here in a pub in Radyr, feeling annoyed that Jack has turned up, and Jack seemingly annoyed that I'm the one here, cramping his style. Turns out Torchwood One and Torchwood Three aren't as dissimilar as they liked to think. Yvonne and Jack both like to have things their way. Trouble is, that can land you in a whole lot more than trouble. Only I don't think anyone has told Jack no before.
One thing is for sure though - he hates being lied to. I did it before, when I was trying to save Lisa. It almost cost us all our lives. I should have learned then that keeping things from Jack was a mistake. But Jack is more like Yvonne than he'll ever admit. Kill something before it kills you. Become the predator before you become the prey. Is that what I'm doing here? Become the prey?
No, this isn't one of those situations. Yes, something bad is happening here. There's a barmaid convincing people she has the answers to all of life's problems. Truthfully, I wish she did. Life since Torchwood has been one long list of problems. But she isn't worth killing. A few answers to resolve what happened to those people who went missing from around here. Did she kill them? Did they kill themselves? Or did she just show them a way to leave this place behind? I hope that's all she did. Maybe she'll show me and I can leave this place behind as well. Then there'd be no more reason for me to keep things secret anymore. I wouldn't have to worry about what Jack will do when he finds out I've been lying to him again, investigating cases without telling anyone - not that anyone seemed to care about this particular case. People with crappy lives going missing apparently doesn't count for much. Maybe that's why it's been so easy to lie to them all. I'm just another crappy life not worth saving.
Jack's got that glint in his eye though. The one that likes showing off around me. I wonder if he's trying to impress me. Does wanting to impress me mean something more? Now really isn't the time to be thinking about that. Even if we make it through tonight, there's still one more secret I haven't told him. I think I'm in love with him.
That's what makes this whole thing so screwed up. Part of me wants out of this life, but part of me is still desperately trying to cling to it and make it work. If I was better at being a Torchwood agent, would Jack look at me differently? Would he want me the way I want him? Isn't this the real reason why I'm here, trying to solve a case without anyone's help in the hopes that Jack will be the one impressed with me? "That was some sleuthing, Ianto Jones. What's say you come back to mine where I can reward you properly?" Ridiculous, isn't it? After tonight, it's more likely to be "I told you what would happen if you lied to me again." One little class five retcon pill and two years of my memories would be wiped clean. No more Torchwood, no more lies, no more remembering everything I've lost along the way. Maybe that's better, or maybe it's no better than a barmaid offering exactly the same thing.
Jack's arrival here could just be a coincidence. Highly unlikely, but if he's come looking for missing people then everything I've spent weeks building towards could unravel in a heartbeat. I know it's her, and I'm almost close enough to get her to reveal the truth. I just need Jack out of the way.
An idea bubbles under the surface. I don't love it, but there's one sure fire way to get someone ejected from a pub… One thing Jack has learned about me is that I have a mean right hook. If finding out the hard way whether Jack can return the favour if sufficiently riled, then that's the price I'm willing to pay.
