Torchwood: Fanfic: Ruled out

[m_findlow]

Title: Ruled out
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters: Jack, Ianto
Author: m_findlow
Rating: PG
Length: 595 words
Content notes: none
Author notes: Written for badly_knitted's prompt "Torchwood, Jack/Ianto, the rules when it comes to flirting with other people" at fic_promptly
Summary: Not all rules and written down

Once upon a time there'd never been any need for a formal set of rules surrounding the various allowances permitted. Now it had become essential. Partly because Jack flirted with anything and everything, and partly because Jack was very possessive of his boyfriend. And whilst Ianto might have claimed to not know the first thing about flirting, it didn't stop him from getting caught up in situations where excessive politeness or innocent friendliness had been misconstrued for romantic interest.

Thus developed the set of unwritten immutable rules.

Rule number one: Flirtation with innocent bystanders.

Completely acceptable for the purposes of garnering information at the scene, particularly where said bystander might make additional effort to remember some salient piece of information. Should not be done merely to kill time whilst Owen is mucking about playing the official doctor role, unless necessary to placate local constabulary at the scene. Double points if aforementioned local constabulary appear interested in any way.

Rule number two: Accepting phone numbers and dinner invitations.

Considered appreciate for the purposes of obtaining information or squaring away a favour owed. Phone numbers may be accepted but should not be given. Any dinner invitations where retcon will be served are okay.

Rule number three: Getting caught looking.

Observation and admiration are permitted. Obvious ogling or mental undressing is frowned upon. Any noticing of someone else undressing you with their eyes should be approached by consistently staring at your boyfriend and doing the same thing. If the target notices and starts undressing said boyfriend with their own eyes, punching is permitted.

Rule number four: Compliments and flattery.

Refer rule one regarding obtaining information from bystanders or other persons related to ongoing investigations. Compliments regarding physical appearance or accent should be accepted humbly if possible. Compliments about the quality of information provided by the tourist information office are allowed and encouraged.

Rule number five: Physical contact (except kissing, refer rule six below).

Limited physical contact. Consoling permitted. Faces should be kept a minimum six inches apart at all times. Groping or petting initiated by the other party should be quickly discouraged.

Rule number six: Kissing.

Generally unacceptable. Alien influence and necessity to maintain undercover role allowed in limited circumstances. Should be restricted to cheeks or hand where possible. Who kisses hands anymore? Strictly no tongue. Ever.

Rule number seven: Exchange of fluids.

Water, tea and coffee allowed. Coffee should not be Ianto's best efforts. These are reserved for Jack alone.

Rule number eight: Dates and sexual favours (except threesomes, refer rule nine below).

Promises for future engagements allowed where target is about to be retconned. All other offers should be declined using one of the following phrases: "maybe some other time", "thanks but I'm spoken for", or "sorry, but my really hot boyfriend knows how to use a gun".

Rule number nine: Threesomes.

Strictly prohibited (Ianto's rule) Actively encouraged if you can get Ianto drunk enough (Jack's rule). Any situation resulting in the cloning or the duplication of one or more of the aforementioned parties should be carefully considered before engaging in sexual activities with said clones/duplicates.

Rule number ten: Coworkers

Eunuch style consequences likely. Refer Rhys Williams for current list of punishments applicable.

Rule number eleven: Aliens.

Varying customs between worlds mean accidenal flirtation is highly probable but unintended. Intentional flirtation should be conducted in line with the bystander provisions contained in rule one above. All other rules above apply as necessary, especially rules six and nine. The number of arms, legs, tentacles or other appendages is irrelevant.

Rule number twelve: John Hart

No. Just, no.

Comments

[bk_forever]

One should always be polite with alien visitors. Don't be a spoilsport, Ianto! Give tentacles a go ;)

A little bit of jealousty can spice things up. Jack and Ianto can't avoid being hit on, they're so pretty. I can see them tallying how many propositions they get in a week and seeing who won.

A very comprehensive set of rules. I particularly like the last one ;)

Thanks for the fill!

[carinas-carinae.livejournal.com]

Haha! I liked it. :D

[jo02]

Rule #12 - even if he DOES make a very good wife ?