Torchwood: Fanfic: Less said

[m_findlow]

Title: Less said
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters: Jack
Author: m_findlow
Rating: PG
Length: 553 words
Content notes: none
Author notes: Written for m_findlow's prompt "Torchwood, Jack, "Died in your arms" - Cutting Crew" at fic_promptly
Summary: Jack has an important message for Ianto

"Dear Ianto,

I'm writing you this letter because, well, actually since I'll probably never have the guts to give this to you, I'm not really sure why I'm writing it. Perhaps by putting this on paper, it feels like I've somehow told you. I've never been particularly good at articulating my feelings.

I'm sorry about today. I really, truly am. It was stupid of me to do that, and even though we can all sit back now and say that it was a job well done, the world saved once more, I can't help but think I did more damage than good. I don't think I need to tell you why I say this.

There are parts of this job that I really hate, but the worst part of all is not dying. It's watching you watch me die. I feel sick even just thinking about it now. I've died so many times that I'd started to think I was going to get used to it. I never do. At the same time though, every death feels a little less real. At least it used to. Then I see that look on your face, and it all brings it crashing back to me that I'm dying, and that's meant to mean something. It does for you. Every time I die, I see the expression etched into your face because it causes you pain, and you worry that this might be the last time, that I might not come back. I don't think that's possible, not ever, but I see what it's doing to you, even though you pretend that everything is fine. Even at the worst possible moment, you are there by my side, trying to be strong for me, when it should be me, trying to be strong for you.

I've taken all of this for granted, but one thing I never want to take for granted is how much it means to me that you're there when the world turns dark. Because you're there, I know that there will be light at the end of the darkness, and that I don't need to fear it. As much as I hate lying there, dying in your arms, it's comforting to know that if it truly were the last time, at least I got to spend those last moments with you. I honestly don't know what to feel when you're not there. Coming back alone is just not the same. There's no relief in knowing that you're there and that everything is going to be okay. My greatest fear is that one day I'll come back and you won't be there because I wasn't there to save you. The nights when I wake up, trapped in the worst possible nightmares, that's what happens. Sometimes it's too much, and I can't even bear to look at you, thinking that you're not asleep, but that you're dead.

I know that my dying takes its toll on you, and that I sometimes forget that, and throw myself in the path of danger because the stakes are not the same for me. I don't want to cause you pain because you deserve better. But if I have to die, then I'm glad that you are right there beside me, waiting for me to come back to you."

Comments

[bk_forever]

*wibble* So sad, and very touching. Ianto eases Jack's suffering at those times, but there's nothing Jack can do to ease Ianto's suffering.