Torchwood: Fanfic: Under scrutiny

[m_findlow]

Title: Under scrutiny
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters: Jack, Ianto
Author: m_findlow
Rating: PG
Length: 1,609 words
Content notes: none
Author notes: Written for juliet316’s prompt "any, any, health and safety regulations" at fic_promptly
Summary: Torchwood and OH&S just don't mix

'What do you mean they're coming here?' Jack asked loudly, the look of displeasure clear on his face.

'Apparently we have failed to meet our legal requirement for the past five years, so they're sending out an inspector to do a full compliance audit.'

'Says who?'

'HSE. Occupational health and safety regulators.'

Jack looked perplexed. 'Surely we must get some sort of exemption?'

'I did some digging on that,' Ianto replied, flipping over some pages on his clipboard. 'It seems the Home Office may have whistle blown on us. I told you that this would come back to bite us one day.'

'Frobisher is a pain in the arse, and Bridget is worse. No doubt this is her handiwork,' he huffed.

'Probably.' It was very much her style. 'But there doesn't seem to be much we can do about it. You do know that we'd fail any kind of audit right now, don't you?'

'So?'

'So, we can be hit with penalties into the hundreds of thousands of pounds, and lose funding from the crown.'

Jack let out a frustrated sigh and ran his hands through his hair, staring down at the desk.

'And when are these good folk coming?'

'Tuesday.'

'But isn't that?'

'Tomorrow? Yes it is. I belive this is what they call a "surprise visit".'

'I suppose we'd better make sure to send that tentacula plant home today then. I imagine they won't be too happy with us keeping a plant that's capable of grabbing you and tickling you to death.'

'Might be an idea. Though I think the poisonous thorns might be the bigger issue.'

'So how do we get through an OH&S audit without giving away the fact that we're a secret organisation that deals with aliens?'

'I've started drafting a list of things we need to do before tomorrow and traffic lighted them from red for deadly to green for problematic,' he said, passing the draft listing to Jack. It already ran to forty pages.

'What would I do without you?'

'I shudder to think.'

By the time they were a third of the way through the list, Jack decided he'd he rather have taken on a hundred weevils singlehandedly. It was no easy task to hide the multitude of things that couldn't be seen by members of the public.

'Maybe it's a little late to be asking, but what exactly is it they think we do here, these auditors?'

'I checked that too. We've been given the same classification as UNIT. Government run intelligence and research facility, which is a plus because it means there are some areas where we can restrict access, on the basis that they contain classified documents or items. I've taken the liberty of preparing a schematic of the hub, and flagging the designated areas deemed classified.' He rolled a copy of the plans out on Jack's desk for him to review.

'Hmm,' he said, leaning forward, and poring over them. 'Seems to be a lot of the hub missing.'

'Quite. It wouldn't do to for them to know just how big the hub actually is. As you can see, we've marked the first three levels of cells as operational and the remaining six levels as not in use. General archives are available for inspection, but the restricted section has been closed off.'

'I take it that's where we've moved our guests?'

'Correct.'

'And these black areas?' he asked, pointing to several key storage facilities.

'Classified.'

Jack leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms behind his head. 'Okay, so where are we at? We've cleared the hothouse of anything dangerous and quarantined them. The weapons store is ship shape and locked up. Owen has tidied the lab and removed all the chemicals we shouldn't have. What about Myfanwy?'

'I've let her out for the next twenty four hours and removed her nest. She won't be happy because she's only just arranged the new bedding the way she likes it, and it's forecast to be rainy for the next few days. I've stocked up on chocolate to make it up to her.'

'Sounds like you've thought of everything,' he said, stifling a yawn. 'What time is it anyway?'

Ianto consulted his watch. 'Urgh, three am.' He leaned back in his own chair.

'Right, well I think we've done about as much as we can. Let them come tomorrow. We'll be squeaky clean.'

The next morning the HSE auditor arrived early, and was greeted by Ianto and lead through the tourist office. He was a diminutive man with thick glasses, early forties and a crumpled grey suit that Ianto wished he could have pressed.

'What use is a tourist office to a government think tank?' he asked.

'The public get nervous being too close to agencies like ours. We provide a friendly facade. And the tourists find us very helpful.'

At the bottom of the lift, Jack was waiting for the pair of them.

'Hi there. Glad you could find us,' he said cheerily. Ianto was impressed by his demeanor. Even though he was faking it, he was doing a better job of it than expected.

'I'd like to start my inspection in your main work area,' he said, looking around disdainfully.

'No problem. Ianto here will show you around,' he replied congenially.

'My review needs to be independent, and I'm to be given unfettered access to your facilities.'

The friendly, helpful facade on Jack's face cracked ever so slightly. 'You'll appreciate that we have some very classified research and development going on here and that access to some parts of our facility are prohibited.'

The man consulted his files, flicking over a few pages. 'Yes, I see that you've requested partial confidentiality. Very well, but any intentional obstruction will be noted in my report.'

'Of course. Ianto?' he said, gesturing for him to be taken out of sight, and out of Jack's reach.

The morning dragged by slowly, and Ianto trailed miserably behind the persnickety man, as he hummed and huffed at what he saw. The others gave him sideward glances as he prowled by their workstations, narrowing his eyes, looking them up and down, before making scrawled notes on his clipboard. It was impossible to tell what he was thinking as it seemed he had no sense of humour, nor any people skills for that matter. He didn't even accept an offer for coffee, which perturbed Ianto most greatly.

Several hours later, having insisted on touring every spare inch of the hub, he finally declared that he'd seen enough. He requested the use of an office space to gather his notes and was ready to issue his report not long after.

'So how did we do?' Jack asked, as the fastidious man sat in the chair opposite him.

'I'm not sure I even know where to begin. Let's start with the drainage issues at the centre of your main operating centre. That water is stagnant and could be harboring any number of diseases. Then there's the mildew and water seepage issues which seem to be just about everywhere, just look at that roof, it's disgusting. There's electrical cabling all over the place that is not properly guarded or tethered, and none of your electrical devices look to have had a compliance check. Several of the hallways and storage rooms are insufficiently lit. There's a general lack of emergency exit signage, stairs do not have the requisite non slip guards on the edges, nor are painted with high visibility stripes in areas lacking proper lighting. I've noted that the access to your lower level office,' he said, staring off towards the hole to Jack's bunker, 'has no guard rail at the top, nor any of the gangways that traverse to the main working area, and your ambulant access is basically nonexistent. I'll also be including in my report that computer screens and desk chairs should be reviewed to ensure height and position is compliant with current accepted practices.'

'So what's the bad news?' Jack joked, receiving a firm stare that wiped the smile off his face.

'To be honest, this is one of the worse workplaces I've ever inspected. I'll be issuing you with a ten thousand pound compliance order, and a further inspection to take place six months from the date of my report.'

'I'm sorry that we've fallen so far short of your expectations,' Jack apologised. 'Can I at least get you a coffee before you head back to London? Ianto makes the best coffeee in Wales.'

'Based on what I've seen, I'd be inclined to say no, but the kitchen was about the only thing I found that was acceptable.'

'I'll take that as a yes.'

Half an hour later, a very groggy and dazed inspector was being helped onto a train back to London, slightly doctored inspection report accompanying him.

'I'd say that was a success, wouldn't you?' he asked Ianto on the way back to the hub.

'It was a lot of work for a scathing report that gets us off the hook with the Home Office.'

'It'll be worth it to have wiped that smug grin off Bridget's face.'

'We almost came unstuck when Owen got too close to that adolescent Parveyan downstairs. He managed to sedate it before it came crashing thought the door. I didn't even have a gun on me to stop it. Enough retcon to wipe that from his memory and he'd have forgotten the entire inspection. At least now he'll remember he was here, he just won't recall that exact details. We got lucky.'

'We live to save another day?'

'Yep. The only people whose health and safety is at risk today are us.'

Comments

[bk_forever]

Heeee! The Hub really is a health and safety nightmare, and the inspector didn't even know the half of it! He really should audit the whole of Cardiff, because the city itself is even more hazardous!

[m-findlow.livejournal.com]

It's true. Bridget will be most upset that the report is not nearly as damaging as it could have been. Jack will lord it over her the next time he's in London.