Torchwood: Fanfic: When in doubt

[m_findlow]

Title: When in doubt
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters: Jack, Ianto, Tosh
Author: m_findlow
Rating: PG
Length: 1,552 words
Content notes: none
Author notes: Written for badly_knitted's prompt "Any, any, having second thoughts" at fic_promptly
Summary: Someone has the pre wedding jitters

Ianto stood in front of the full length mirror, tugging once more at his cuffs, and inspecting himself, pulling his bow tie off and attempting to redo it again. No, it just wasn't right, no matter how many times he'd done it, he just couldn't get it right. Everything was just slightly out of place, and it added to the anxiety that was already causing his chest to feel like it was being squeezed tight. He gave himself another long hard look in the mirror. The dark suit and the sleek claret coloured vest and matching bow tie, the shiny black shoes and the snow white bloom in his lapel; everything was crisp and perfect yet he couldn't see it. This wasn't just any outfit. This was a wedding day outfit. His wedding day.

He didn't have to imagine the matching outfit Jack had donned, replacing the deep claret with rich royal blue. He'd seen Jack pottering about their house earlier, already dressed, leaving Ianto to fuss over his own appearance at his leisure. They'd quashed tradition, that the couple to be should spend their last night alone and only meet again at the altar. Nothing about their marriage was traditional in any sense, and Jack was perfectly insistent that the only person he wanted to spend the night with was his future husband to be.

How had it come to this? What on earth had he been thinking, agreeing to marry Jack? It was a foolish dream. Jack was incredible, brave and handsome, charming and intelligent, attentive and gentle, fierce and bold. Ianto loved each and every one of those qualities, more than he ever thought he could ever love anyone. And yet, Jack was also immortal. He'd lived hundreds of lifetimes, living this life right now, and would live hundreds of thousands of lifetimes still to come. Ianto had only this one lifetime to give to him. How could that ever be enough? What would Jack think of him in thirty years time when he was old and grey, or in fifty, when he'd probably be too old to even get about. How could he love that? And still Jack would be young and just as handsome as always, destined always to remain the same. What kind of future was that to condemn him to? He didn't want Jack to watch him grow old and die. He couldn't; he just couldn't.

'Ianto!' Jack called out from downstairs, 'Tosh is here!'

He heard her tiny footsteps coming up the stairs and then she was standing in the doorway. He steeled himself before he turned around, setting a smile on his face.

He saw her decked out in the most stunning green gown. It was such a shame she'd gone to all that trouble for nothing, he thought despondently, keeping his smile locked in place.

'Tosh, you look positively gorgeous,' he said coming over to give her a hug.

'Ianto you're shaking! What's wrong?'

It felt wrong to stand there and lie to her face. It didn't matter though, his feelings were very clearly showing on his face.

'You're not having second thoughts, are you?'

He wanted to disappear into the floor. 'I am.'

He slumped onto the edge of the bed and Tosh sat down beside him.

'I can't do this Tosh. I can't do this to him.'

'Do what?'

'I don't want to hurt him.'

'I don't understand, Ianto. Jack loves you. And you love Jack. Don't you?'

'Of course I do. But I can't can't give him what he needs. I'm mortal Tosh. I'm going to die and leave him all alone and in pain. I don't want to do that.'

Tosh's heart ached for her best friend. No one deserved more happiness than he did, and here he was trying to deny himself. She wrapped her tiny hand around his.

'You're just nervous, Ianto. Pre wedding jitters, that's all. You and Jack are meant to be, even if you don't believe it. Look inside your heart and tell me you could live with yourself if you let him go.'

She stood up, giving him a brief kiss on the cheek. 'Think about it before you do something you can't undo. I'll be downstairs if you need me.'

'Is he still fussing?' Jack asked, when she came back downstairs. She tried to keep a poker face but failed miserably.

'Tosh, what's wrong?'

'I think you should go speak to him.'

Ianto heard the familiar sound of Jack's footsteps coming up the stairs. He wasn't sure he could face Jack.

'Ianto, what's wrong cariad?'

Ianto tried to speak but found he couldn't. Instead he began shaking again, and Jack crossed the room and wrapped him tightly in a hug.

'Hey, it's okay. Whatever it is, it's okay.'

'I can't do this, Jack.'

Jack pulled back, stroking his cheek. He'd half expected this. Ianto had a habit of over thinking things, and his precious heart always wanted what was best for everyone else, with no thought ever given for his own needs or desires. He would have turned the decision over in his head a million times, viewing it from every angle, assessing the pros and cons, just like everything else. Just once he wished Ianto would think with his heart instead of his head. He took in the sight of his lover standing in front of him.

'You are so beautiful.'

'Don't. Please Jack.'

'Ianto Jones, I know you. I know you worry endlessly about us, and what will happen. I don't care about mortality or immortality. I just want to marry you.'

'And when I'm an old man? Will you still want to marry me then? In the blink of an eye that's exactly what will happen. When I'm old and grey, you won't love me then. You'll resent the fact that I won't be immortal like you.'

'Ianto.' He took his hand and lead him over to the window, overlooking the street below.

'See that elderly couple down there?'

He saw the pair Jack was referring to, easily into their seventies, walking slowly hand in hand along the street.

'When he looks at her, do you think he sees her grey hair and wrinkled hands? No, he sees the pretty girl he was too scared to ask to dance that first night they met, whose touch sets a jolt of electricity running through him every single time.

'When she looks at him do you think she sees the balding patches and the liver spotted skin? No, she sees the handomse prince who swept her off her feet and made her tingle from head to toe. She sees those sparkling eyes and the world becomes dull grey in comparison. No matter how may years go by, they always see each other just the same as they were that first day they fell in love.

'You are beautiful inside and out. That will never change, no matter how many years go by. We might have forever, or we might only have tomorrow. No one knows. I don't want to think about how long we might or might not have and neither should you. All that matters is that we enjoy the time we do have. Whether we get married today or not, I want to spend every minute we have together. I wasted so much time not seeing what was right in front of me. I want to make up for that starting right now, cherishing every single day that we have. All those times I've ended up turned into something else, whether it was a dog or a spider, some hideous beast with eight tentacles and six orifices, or a pile of gelatinous goo, or when I was so badly injured that you thought I'd never heal, you never stopped loving me because of the way I looked. You looked past horror and saw me just they way I always was.'

'Jack, that's different, I-'

'No, its not. Even if you end up looking like some cranky, balding old Welshman, bent over his walking frame, I'll still love you with every fibre of my being, because when I look at you, all I'll see is the man standing here right now, decked out in glorious red silk, that soft brown hair, sparkling blue eyes, and those beautiful kissable lips.'

Ianto felt a tear slip down his face, and Jack's hand was quickly there to brush it away.

'Don't cry. You'll ruin your makeup.'

'I'm not wearing any.'

'Oh, just me then,' Jack replied, smiling.

'You're wearing makeup?' Ianto asked, surprised.

'I had to cover up the grey hairs and the wrinkles. Had to be looking my best for our big day.'

Ianto shook his head at his impossible lover, realising he'd been joking. He tugged on Jack's shirt collar, adjusting it until it was just right, fingertips tracing over the blue silk tie.

'I don't see any wrinkles. All I see is the most beautiful man in the entire universe.'

'That's impossible. He's standing right in front of me.' Jack leaned in and kissed his fiancé deeply.

'You're supposed to wait until the celebrant pronounces us married.'

'To hell with that. I'm not waiting a second longer to kiss you. Just you let that celebrant try to stop me.'

Comments

[bk_forever]

Jack's words to Ianto are so utterly heartwarming they made me tear up! Ianto needs to stop worrying, because he shouldn't waste a second of the time he and Jack will have together. They are going to have a wonderful life.