Torchwood: Fanfic: Deepest desires

[m_findlow]

Title: Deepest desires
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters: Tosh, Torchwood team
Author: m_findlow
Rating: PG
Length: 2,653 words
Content notes: none
Author notes: Written for mirrored_illusions's prompt "Any, any, everything you can imagine is real (Pablo Picasso)" at fic_promptly
Summary: Tosh gets something she's always wanted, but it comes at a cost

'Morning Tosh,' Ianto greeted her brightly as she cracked open an eye.

'Morning,' she replied.

'Sleep okay?' he asked as she sat up on the sofa, huddling the blankets around her.

'I always have weird dreams when I sleep here,' she said.

'I wish you'd come stay at our place,' he insisted, 'it's really no trouble. There's a proper bed in the spare room and everything.'

'That's okay,' she said. 'I don't want to impose on you and Jack. Besides, the fumigators reckon it'll only be one more day until we can all go back.'

'They said that three days ago,' Ianto mused. 'I'm starting to wonder if we should go over there and investigate exactly what it is they're fumigating. Coffee?'

'Think I'll grab a shower first,' she said, still sitting there in her pajamas. He looked at her, seeing the odd look on her face.

'What were you dreaming about?'

'Oh, nothing important. Silly really.'

'I have weird dreams all the time,' he said. 'I blame Jack. Who knows what the long term effects of those pheromones are.'

She padded downstairs to the showers, still thinking about her dreams. There weren't really that weird. More like she'd been dreaming of a reality that would never eventuate, being happily married, raising a family, having a dog. Silly stuff she shouldn't concern herself with. None of that was ever going to happen to her. As she stripped down and stepped into the hot shower, lathering up the soap and rubbing it across her skin, she passed a hand over her stomach. It felt swollen, protruding slightly from her slim frame. Toweling off she inspected it. It was definitely not like any bloating she'd ever had. Just then she felt an overwhelming wave of nausea, and retched onto the floor. Luckily her stomach had been empty so it was more dry heaving than vomiting. Once she'd regained her composure, she quickly dressed and headed upstairs. She'd worked for Torchwood long enough to put two and two together and realise she was in trouble.

'I've got your coffee,' Ianto said. 'I bought croissants too.'

Just the thought of food made her want to retch again. She put a hand on her stomach. 'Ianto, I think I might be pregnant.'

He looked down and noticed how her hand cupped the small bulge above her jeans.

'I'll call Owen.'

Tosh sat there nervously as she waited for Owen to arrive at the hub.

'How much longer?' she asked, looking up at Jack who was standing next to her, trying to be supportive.

'Ianto, call Owen again and tell him hurry his arse up.'

'He said he's stuck in traffic. Won't be here for another twenty minutes at least.'

Jack caught the look of worry on Tosh's face.

'Fine, we'll start without him.'

Jack lead Tosh downstairs to Owen's medical bay and pulled across the alien medical scanner, switching it on.

'Whenever you're ready, Tosh,' he said.

She placed her palm on the glass surface and waited for it to run a scan on her body, eyes glued to the wall where it would project the results. It didn't take long for the scanner to blip a large red dot just above her pelvis. It continued scrolling more information as it conducted a more indepth scan. When the word "human" appeared she quickly pulled away her and hand and the projection went blank.

Human? She exchanged glances with Jack who looked slightly relieved that it wasn't alien. Strangely, she didn't feel quite so relieved as he did.

When Owen finally did arrive, he bombarded her with questions and tests, running the scan again, along with a few more. She still couldn't fathom how she was pregnant.

'And you're sure you haven't had any unprotected sex in the last few months?'

The question made her feel awkward. She hadn't had any sex, but she wasn't sure how to say it. She hadn't even been on a date, or kissed a man. It was pathetic, but it was true. She knew she had to be honest with him because he had a job to do and he was only trying to help.

'Not that I know of,' she replied, trying to spare her own blushes.

'Have you been out anywhere where someone could have slipped you drugs?'

'I don't think so. Would I remember if I did?'

'Possibly not,' he conceded. 'And you only noticed it this morning?'

'Yes.' That worried her too. Had she really been so distracted with work that she hadn't noticed?

'Well, you're about thirteen weeks along, and it looks otherwise healthy.' The news was good, yet he seemed angry.

Thirteen weeks? Had she really not noticed missing her period that long?

'Tosh,' he said quietly. 'We can terminate if that's what you want.'

'Terminate?' She clutched her stomach protectively.

He sat down next to her. 'I just thought, if someone drugged you, that you might not want it.'

Now she understood why he was asking. As much as the thought sickened her that she might have been date raped, she was pregnant and maybe she'd never get another chance at having kids. Motherhood had always been a dream, and not something she'd thought about for a long while, but now the reality was staring her in the face and she was unexpectedly undecided.

'Can I think about it?'

'Of course. Take a couple of days. Whatever you need.' She was impressed at how remarkably supportive he was being.

'Thanks,' she said, slowly slipping off the edge of the table, and disappearing up the stairs.

They were all supportive and sympathetic of the news, though she got the feeling that the boys were secretly meeting to discuss how to find out just who might have done the deed and which kneecap they'd break first. Gwen was trying to be helpful, but clucky wasn't quite what she needed right now even when she was still tying to figure out whether she really did want to keep it.

As the day came to an end, she pulled out the blanket and pillow and set up her makeshift bed for what would hopefully be the last time.

'Are you sure you won't come home with us?' Ianto implored.

'I'll be fine. It's only one more night, and I've got my gun if Janet tries anything funny,' she said, trying to lighten the mood.

'Okay, but call us if you need anything.'

Jack practically had to drag him out, insisting that Tosh would be okay, finally giving her the hub to herself. The peace and quiet was nice, finally giving her time to process all the thoughts in her head. She lay there flat on her back, hand resting on her stomach. Pregnant, she thought. It wasn't a dream anymore.

She woke early the next morning, well before Jack and Ianto had arrived, and finding that when she went to put her hand on her stomach that it was far larger than last night. Looking down, it had bulged out several inches, leaving no doubt that she was indeed pregnant. She also had enough sense to know that normal pregnancies didn't grow that fast. She picked up her phone and dialed.

'Ianto, sorry to wake you, but I think something's wrong.'

Owen spent the whole morning running more tests and scans but couldn't come up with anything useful to explain this sudden acceleration.

'"I don't know" isn't good enough,' Jack said.

'Well, I'm sorry, but I don't. It could be any one of a hundred things. Who knows what exposure to this place could do. Since no one here has ever gotten properly pregnant, there's no way of knowing.'

'Well then, you keep a close eye on her and make sure she's okay.' Nobody messed with Toshiko if Jack had any say in the matter.

Tosh was still in a bit of a state of shock, sitting at her computer, trying to get on with her day, but having to pull her top down constantly as it rode up over the new bump, bigger than before.

Ianto placed a mug of tea on her desk. 'It's decaf.'

'Thanks,' she said. 'It's all still a little bit weird,' she said, but smiling.

They'd all been subject to alien pregnancy at some point or another. Ianto, Jack, Owen, and Gwen, but it was different for them. They didn't have maternal instincts, except for maybe Gwen, and then she'd only been pregnant for less than a day, and the last thing she been thinking about was having a baby on her wedding day.

'I can imagine,' he replied. 'Still, it's human at least. Not some alien about to rip you in two.'

'True,' she said, rubbing slow circles on her stomach.

'You're keeping it, aren't you?'

It was a very forward question, and totally unlike Ianto to ask, but it was as if he could read her mind. She hadn't figured out anything yet beyond knowing she wanted it. She hadn't thought about her job at Torchwood, or how she was going to look after a newborn, or what she was going to tell her parents. Maybe she could tell them she'd adopted. Just wanting it was enough for now.

'I always wanted to have a family.' She hesitated. 'Is it wrong to want to keep it?'

'Of course not. You just look... happy.'

'It's strange, but I think I am,' she agreed. Maybe it was the hormones. 'Did you ever want kids?'

He looked sad for a moment and she wished she hadn't asked.

'I always imagined having a family with Lisa. I guess my life's gone in a different direction now. I've got my niece and nephew. They'll have to be enough for now.'

She pulled her top down and again, feeling guilty enough for the pair of them.

'You're going to need a new wardrobe,' he said, noticing. 'I'm sure Jack won't mind if we take the afternoon off.'

Two days later she was back at her apartment finally, and able to get a proper night's sleep. She eased into her bed, glad for the weight off her feet. In two days she'd grown quite large, Owen estimating that she was somewhere between 24 and 28 weeks along. She only hoped that once it was born that it wasn't going to grow up quite so quickly. As it was she was still totally unprepared, and chances were, according to Owen, that another two or three days would see her to full term. Even so, it couldn't quell the excitement she felt.

When she woke the next morning, she expected to find that her stomach would have grown bigger overnight. She wrapped an arm around it only to find it wasn't there. She sat bolt upright staring down to find her stomach completely flat. She choked out a sob and fumbled for her phone, dialing Owen, and unable to articulate precisely what was wrong in between sobs, but enough to get him there within ten minutes.

He drove her to the hub straight away, still wrapped in her dressing gown and slippers. Jack and Ianto were there to meet them, and Gwen followed not long after.

Owen confirmed that the baby was gone, or more to the point, looked as if it had never been there.

'How is that even possible?' Gwen asked.

Owen shook his head, just as confused. Tosh just sat there, still huddled in pajamas, looking disconsolately at the wall.

Nearby a computer monitor beeped, and Jack went over to investigate it. Alarms went off all the time around the hub and most were more alerts than warnings. He consulted the screen for a long time, running a few commands and reviewing the results before looking back at the team. He spared Tosh a sad glance.

'I think I know what happened.'

'A gas leak?' Owen said, disbelieving.

'Not just any gas, stanotrimethoxyamphetamine. A highly potent hallucinogenic. There's an old canister of it down in storage on level five. It must have developed a slow leak. Could've been leaking for weeks.'

'Fine,' Owen said, crossing his arms, 'but how does that make Tosh pregnant, then not pregnant?'

'The gas causes a complete change in our mental perception of things, including visual delusions. Someone only has to plant the seed of an idea in your head, and the effects of the gas are likely to create the delusion for you. Tosh thought she was pregnant so our brains all went along with it. Even now the effects are only wearing off slowly. We only see Tosh as back to normal now because that's what our minds want to think.'

'I ran tests, Jack. Proper medical tests. They don't lie.'

'Your perception of the results does, though,' he replied. 'You already had the outcome pre-determined in your mind so when you reviewed the results you saw what you expected to see. If you looked at them again now, you'll probably find a completely different set of results.'

'And now?' said Gwen. 'Should we expect to be imaging other things?'

'Now the gas is being destroyed. Yesterday the monitors picked up the leak and began switching on the extractor fans, removing and burning off the excess gas. Twenty four hours would be enough for the effects to begin wearing off.'

'Why didn't it detect the leak earlier?' Ianto asked.

'The sensors weren't fine tuned enough. It didn't pick it up until it reached a saturation point.'

'And it affected me worst because I was staying here overnight,' Tosh guessed.

'Most likely. You were exposed longer than the rest of us without a break in between doses.'

'We should really review what's down in those storage vaults,' Ianto said.

'Agreed. I've also upped the sensitivity on our monitors to prevent any more slow leak scenarios. Next time we might not be so lucky that it's only something that makes us a little crazy.'

'Right,' Owen said. 'As chief medical officer, I'd suggest everybody takes the day off and spends it out in the fresh air until the hub's ventilation is properly scrubbed.'

'A good idea,' Jack said, knowing Owen was itching for any excuse to have the day off.

Ianto suited up and proceeded downstairs to weld up the seal on the damaged canister, before it could be safely disposed of, whilst Owen kept an eye on him, making sure he didn't encounter any flying pink elephants while he was down there.

Tosh was still working at her desk when Jack came up behind her.

'I thought I told you to go home.'

'Just wanted to finish this up,' she said.

Jack leaned against her desk.

'Are you okay?'

She didn't know how to put how she felt into words. She'd honestly been excited and happy at the thought of a baby, and now it was gone. More to the point, it had never been there at all.

'It was all in my head. None of it was ever real,' she said, trying to sound okay with it.

'That doesn't make finding out it's not real any easier.'

She hugged herself, feeling the emptiness of the bump that was no longer there. She couldn't believe how quickly she'd come to find its presence comforting.

'Why did I imagine it?'

Jack folded his arms, looking at her for a long time. 'Sometimes the things we want most are buried so deep within our subconscious even we don't really understand or acknowledge that we want them. Sometimes it takes something else or someone else to bring them to the surface.'

'I'm never going to have kids, Jack,' she said, voicing the fear that had been eating at her all day. The promise that had been so delightful just a few days ago now seemed an empty hope.

Jack wrapped her up in a hug. 'Never say never, Toshiko. The future is uncertain. Take it from someone who knows. Love is always hiding just around the corner.'

Comments

[jo02]

This was quite moving. Poor Tosh.

[bk_forever]

Poor Tosh, she wanted so badly for it to be real, and now she's mourning something that was never really there at all. I wish that she could have the family she wants =(

[m-findlow.livejournal.com]

It will all come in good time, just as Jack promised. Poor Tosh really got sideswiped by the hallucinations.