Torchwood: Fanfic: Heart's betrayal

[m_findlow]

Title: Heart's betrayal
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters: Ianto
Author: m_findlow
Rating: PG
Length: 697 words
Content notes: none
Author notes: Written for wallwalker's prompt "Any, any, No wonder why/my heart feels dead inside/it's cold and hard and petrified (Scissor Sisters, I Can't Decide [nsfw lyrics])" at fic_promptly
Summary: Ianto won't ever make the same mistake again

He stood there, heart pounding in his chest, airways constricting so tight he thought he might pass out from a lack of air, yet unable to move from the spot where he was stood.

'Are you sure?' Gwen asked, looking beseechingly up at Owen.

'He's ice cold.'

Ice cold. That's how Ianto felt. Like all the life had left his own body, floating away somewhere else, leaving behind just the shell that had once contained it.

Jack was gone. Jack was gone and not coming back. Jack always came back. The others might not have known it, but he did. The first time it had happened, he didn't feel the least bit surprised by the revelation. In fact, it felt more like he'd always known it and had just somehow forgotten it. Perhaps he had. Perhaps Jack had retconned him so he wouldn't remember. How many times might he have seen Jack die? How many times might he have been called out late at night to come and find his mangled body, waiting there for him to resurrect? How many times until Jack couldn't stand to have the secret lie between them anymore, eating away at him, finally revealing the truth so that he wouldn't have to carry the burden alone?

Not this time though. This time there was no resurrection, no second chances. And it was his fault. Jack was dead because of him.

It wasn't Abbadon, or Bilis, or Owen that had killed him. Ianto had started the chain reaction of events that had killer his lover. He should've gone with them to the dance hall, instead of making excuses that the hub didn't run itself. He should've kept a closer eye on Owen, knowing that he'd been upset and volatile. He shouldn't have said those things about Dianne, even though he'd been trying to be practical. He should've stopped Owen, not let him take the plans for the rift machine, not let him leave the hub to find the missing piece. Even as the gun shook ever so slightly in his hand, the rift machine powering up, he knew he couldn't shoot Owen straight through the heart. Some tiny little piece of him wanted Owen to slip the disc inside, because he wanted Jack back. He wanted it bad enough to forgo the consequences. Owen could get Jack back for him.

Once upon a time, he'd trusted his instincts without question. Now he knew that they would betray him in a heartbeat. He loved too much and too deeply, and his heart wanted to control his head, no matter how wrong it was. First Lisa, now Jack. He'd done all the wrong things because he couldn't bear to live without either of them, and now both of them were dead, thanks to him. He'd let Owen open the rift, torn apart time itself just to have Jack here, then double crossed him in an attempt to fix all the mistakes his selfishness had caused.

He should have known that there was only one way to undo all the terrible things he'd done. He'd have to pay the price he should have left paid when the cybermen had taken Lisa; the price he should have left paid when Jack and Tosh slipped through a crack in time. Death was the only currency he could trade in; the only one fate would accept. If he could have traded his own life for either of them he would, but he knew that even a hundred of his lives would be insufficient recompense. He would be forced to remain here and confront his demons every single day, reminded of how putting one's own needs ahead of all others was the greatest sin. It might be too late, but never again would he give in to his own desires. He could learn to harden his heart against the love that had betrayed him and those he'd loved. Love had brought him nothing but grief and heartache; a sword that turned in on itself and struck down its master, friends and enemies alike. That would be his punishment, as if living with the blood on his hands was not punishment enough.

Comments

[too-beauty.livejournal.com]

Omg this is just too painful ... But beautifully written ...

[m-findlow.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[bk_forever]

*sniffle* No, Ianto, it's not all your fault, honest it's not! Jack will come back! nd then leave. And come back again. And ask you out... *cuddles Ianto*

So sad, Ianto really does know how to torture himself =(