Torchwood Advent Challenge - 2nd December

[m_findlow]

Title: Unintended consequences
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters: Ianto, Jack, Owen
Author: m_findlow
Rating: M
Length: 1,324 words
Content notes: none
Author notes: Written for prompt "Numb"
Summary: Jack is suffering from intimacy issues.

'Ianto, I can't feel it anymore!' Jack cried out from his office.

Ianto set down the cup in his hand, halfway through brewing the world's most perfect cup of coffee. He was well accustomed to Jack's histrionics, but there was an edge of panic to his voice that made Ianto stop everything.

'What can't you feel?' Ianto said, keeping his voice level and panic free.

'Larry. He's gone all numb.'

Ianto quirked an eyebrow. 'Larry?'

'Yeah, you know... Larry,' he said, pointing down at his crotch.

It took all of Ianto's resolve not to look horrified. 'You seriously called it Larry?'

'Pablo just never seemed right,' he said. 'You don't have a name for yours?'

Ianto's face turned very serious. 'No. I don't even want to think about it. But that's not the point right now,' he added.

Jack's worried expression returned. 'What the hell did you do to it last night?'  

'Me?' Why was this suddenly his fault? He hadn't done anything. Well, no that wasn't quite accurate. He'd done many things, but there was nothing particularly notable about the way he'd let Jack shag him senseless that marked it as different to any other night.

'Do you feel numb?' Jack asked.

'No,' he replied, trying hard not to be disconcerted by having to stop and think about it. 'How did you... no, actually, I don't want to know how you figured it out.'

'Would you please just take a look for me?' Jack pleaded.

Ianto rolled his eyes again. 'You're really going to have to work on your pick up lines.'

 

To his credit, Ianto did his best to take Jack seriously, once he was certain that this wasn't some kind of ruse to get him back downstairs and into their bed. In their small bathroom, he flipped on the lights and Jack undressed to allow Ianto to get a better look. Ironic that what Jack needed right now was the opinion of someone who was intimately familiar with "Larry" to tell him if something looked wrong.

'It looks normal to me,' Ianto said, forcefully holding back a whole raft of innuendo laced replies.

'Touch it.'

'Jack...'

'Please.'

He sighed, trying to keep things professional. 'Anything?' he said, stroking it.

'Nothing. Try harder.'

He gave it a squeeze, then ran his fingernails down it, knowing that should get quite a reaction. Instead he got nothing.

'Right, well it's my considered medical opinion that you need to get a real medical opinion. I'll ask Owen to check it out.'

'But,'

'Hey, you're the one with the problem. If it drops off altogether I'll be most unhappy.'

'You're not the only one,' Jack agreed, cradling it.

 

Owen let out a vexed sigh. Ianto had dragged Jack off to the medical bay and explained the issue as sensitively as he could. For once it was Jack who looked embarrassed and Ianto who held himself calm and collected.

'When are you going to learnt to keep it in your pants, Harkness?' Owen said. 'Assuming you can tell it's there right now.'

'Owen,' Ianto warned.

'Yeah, yeah, I'm trying to be sympathetic. He's probably shoved it so many places it's a wonder something hasn't taken it off altogether.'

'I'll leave you two to sort it out,' Ianto said, pushing himself back from the wall he was leaning against.

'Don't go,' Jack said, reaching out for him from where he was perched on Owen's examination table.

'Torchwood doesn't run itself, you know,' he replied. 'And you're not feeling up to it right now.'

Owen sniggered at the double entendre and Jack looked distraught. 'It's not funny!'

'Sorry, Jack,' Ianto apologised, 'but one of us has to make the hard calls,' he said, dashing up the stairs before Jack found something on Owen's table to throw at him.

Owen looked back at Jack and snapped on a pair of gloves, sighing again. 'I don't get paid enough for this,' he muttered.

 

Ianto was busy tidying up Jack's office whilst he was waiting for Owen to finish all of his tests. As he pushed a series of files back into a neat pile, he came across the small tube tucked underneath. That shouldn't have been here, he thought, but Jack had a nasty habit of leaving things all around the place. Thank God no one else had seen it. Just because everyone knew they were together didn't mean they needed to know the finer points of what they got up to after hours. He grinned at the tube. Jack had bought it to try out last night. A new type of lube that left him feeling all tingly. It had been very good. Then a sudden thought hit him. He grabbed the tube and headed towards the medical bay.

'Uh, Owen, there's something we probably forgot to mention.'

'What's that?' he said, letting Jack get dressed.

'Could this have anything to do with Jack's current, er, condition?' he said, handing over the tube.

'Hey, I thought we were keeping that stuff private?' Jack complained, snatching it away.

'When it comes to the health of the people who work here, nothing is private,' Owen said, snatching it back. He quickly read the back of the tube.

'You idiot. Do you know what this stuff actually does?'

'I did last night.' Jack grinned. 'So good,' he added, dreamily remembering.

Owen clipped him around the back of the head. 'And what do you think it is that makes it tingle?'

'Sherbet?'

'Your boyfriend is even thicker than I thought,' Owen told Ianto.

'But it's just lube,' Jack protested. 'I picked it up at the chemist. It's safe, right?'

'It temporarily constricts blood flow,' Owen explained.

'Like when you lie on your arm in your sleep and then you get pins and needles?' Ianto asked.

'Exactly. Only Jack's blood vessels have constricted but haven't opened back up yet.'

'But I felt fine last night.'

'Probably a delayed reaction. Something in your stupid evolved fifty-first century anatomy. I can give you something that will help open up the blood vessels again and give you something else to thin the blood to help it pass.'

'And I'll be back to normal?'

'Insofar as whatever constitutes normal for you.' Owen pulled out a syringe and winced at the sight of having to administer drugs somewhere needles should just never go.

'Alright, that's you done. Now get out of here. I don't want you see that part of your anatomy again for as long as I live.'

'Thank you,' he said standing up and leaving. Ianto went to follow him but Owen grabbed him by the arm.

'What is it?'

'Just a warning. That stuff is going to kick in within the next half hour.'

Ianto frowned. 'But that's a good thing, right?'

'Suppose. Now just remember the worst pins and needles you've ever had and imagine that happening downstairs.'

'Oh,' Ianto said.

'Yeah. If I were you, I'd be a million fucking miles away when that happens.'

'Thanks, Owen,' he said, already knowing exactly which obscure part of the archives he could hide in that Jack wouldn't ever find him. He'd almost feel sorry for the rest of them who'd have to suffer.

'Don't say I never do anything for you,' Owen smirked.

 

When he finally thought it was safe to return, he bypassed the coffee machine, ensuring he came into Jack's office armed with a distraction.

'Hi,' he said, standing in the doorway. 'Everything okay now?'

'Yeah,' Jack said, leaning back in his chair. He didn't need to go over the finer details of his screaming like a girl. Who'd have ever though having so much feeling could be a bad thing?

'It's all er, working again?' Ianto said, tentatively pushing the mug of coffee across the desk.

Jack grinned. 'Larry is back and ready to rumble.'

'Please don't ever call it Larry again. Ever. There's only one man I want with me between the sheets.'

Comments

[jo02]

So very, very glad I was not reading this over breakfast :)

[bk_forever]

ROFLMAO! Poor Jack, poor Ianto, poor Larry! There are some places you really wouldn't want bad pins and needles >.