Torchwood Advent Challenge - 8th December

[m_findlow]

Title: The Torchwood Guide to Ornithology
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters: Ianto, Jack, The Doctor (Twelve)
Author: m_findlow
Rating: PG
Length: 3,948 words
Content notes: none
Author notes: Written for prompt "It's all fun and games until the alien puffins show up"
Summary: So much for a nice quiet weekend of birdwatching

Jack sighed and frowned. 'You wanna go where?'

'Here,' Ianto said, pointing to a spot on the map, splayed out over the bonnet of the SUV. The spot where his finger was, looked all the world to be nothing but water. Miles and miles of water. 'All the tourist flock to Anglesey,' he said. 'Where we're going it'll be just us.'

'Yeah, but... puffins?' Jack couldn't get excited about charting a boat out to some rock in the middle of nowhere just to see a bunch of birds. With all the alien wonders of the universe, puffins seemed rather ordinary.

'If you wanted an adventure, I can just call The Doctor and...'

'Have you ever seen them?' Ianto said, cutting Jack off.

Jack shrugged. 'At the zoo, probably.' He couldn't really remember if he was honest. It wasn't the sort of thing he was likely to commit to memory.

Ianto tsked. 'Not the same. Come on,' he said, shouldering his backpack and almost dragging Jack down the pier. 'I'd like to get there and back before nightfall. I packed lunch and some snacks, but if you plan on dropping anchor out there overnight, you'll be going without dinner and breakfast, lest you plan on catching your own.'

'We have fishing rods?' Jack asked.

'No, but there's nets. I rather imagined you thought you'd just charm the fish out of the sea.'

Jack couldn't help but smile at the remark. 'I am very charming.'

Jack let himself be tugged toward the small vessel nestled in amongst the others lined up at the marina. It hadn't been used for ages. Jack stopped for a second, forcing Ianto to also come to a halt. 'Hang on,' he said. 'I thought you didn't like the ocean?' He was only just recalling their last trip out at sea, where Ianto had spent most of it hanging over the railings, heaving up his stomach into the Bristol Channel.

'I came prepared this time,' he said, pulling a blister pack of tablets from his jacket pocket. 'Anti seasickness tablets. Gwen recommended them. Said they worked a treat on that Iceland cruise she and Rhys did. I took two with breakfast.'

Jack quirked an eye at him, but seeing the determined look on his face, he wasn't about to argue. If they didn't work, it would be an altogether unpleasant trip, but clearly Ianto was going, which meant so was Jack. 'All aboard then,' Jack said.  

 

It wasn't a great day for sightseeing out at sea, the skies overhead still a brooding, slate grey, but the forecast was otherwise clear of rain, and the seas were reasonably calm. Jack carefully navigated the vessel out past the barrage and Ianto set the GPS and autopilot for their planned destination.

'How's the stomach?' Jack asked, looking across at his companion, standing just outside the wheelhouse, buffeted by the winds against his parka jacket.

'Hadn't even crossed my mind,' he confessed. 'Being out at sea is actually quite nice... you know, when you're not busy convincing yourself that being dead would be better than being stuck on a bobbing cork.'

'We'll make a seaman out of you yet,' Jack agreed. 'Actually, you'd look quite good in one of those navy sailor uniforms. You know, all crisp and white, polished shoes, those little belts that cinch the waist just so...'

'Easy tiger,' Ianto said, gripping the edge of the wheelhouse. 'Save those thoughts for when we get home.'

Ianto stepped inside and began rifling through his backpack, pulling out a camera, and began fiddling with its settings. Jack could tell from the sheer intensity of his concentration that he was excited.

'This has been on your bucket list for a while, I take it?'

Ianto paused for a moment. 'Among other things.'

'Such as?'

'Well, if I told you now, that would take all the surprise out of things. Can't I keep a little bit of mystery?'

Jack grinned. 'Ianto, you will always be a mystery.'

 

With their course set, and everything else organised, they went out on deck, sitting along the front of the boat as Ianto unpacked sandwiches and hot coffee, passing both to Jack. He hungrily inhaled the first half of his sandwich, and washed it down with a whole cup of coffee before passing it back for more.

'What?' he said, when Ianto rolled his eyes at him. 'I haven't had coffee since you dragged me out of bed at five am this morning.'  

'I didn't say anything,' Ianto said, smiling at him. He stared out at the endless ocean in front of them, imagining he could see the tiny little island of rock which was still well over the horizon yet. 'They mate for life, you know.'

'Who?'

'The puffins, Jack,' he replied, taking a bite of his own sandwich. 'And when the female lays her egg, they both stay together the whole time, keeping it warm in their burrow until it hatches.'

'Sounds romantic and cosy.'

'Do you know what they call baby puffins?'

'Puffettes?' Jack hazarded a gues, trying to be funny.

'Pufflings,' Ianto replied, silly grin on his face. 'Isn't that just adorable? Pufflings,' he repeated again, enjoying the sound of the word.

'Okay, who are you and why have you done with Ianto Jones?' Jack said, folding his arms and staring hard at his lover. Since when did Ianto go all soppy? 'Are you sure those seasickness tablets don't have any unusual side effects?'

'I'm fine,' he said dreamily, happy look still plastered all over his face as he lifted it up, letting the breeze ruffle his short hair.

'Wait,' Jack said, reaching across. 'You're not pregnant or anything, are you?'

'Don't be silly. You think I wouldn't have told you if I was?'

'I dunno. I just get nervous when you get all broody and happy like this, without any explanation for it.'

Ianto wrapped his arm around Jack's waist and leaned against his shoulder. 'A weekend away, just the two of us. What's not to be happy about?'

Jack leaned in and kissed him, ignoring the freezing cold tip of Ianto's nose pressed against his cheek. 'I could get used to this laissez-faire attitude.'

'Oh, don't worry. I'll be back to sullen, workaholic mode on Monday.'

'Maybe I should do something about that,' Jack said, toying with the zipper on Ianto’s jacket. 'A few more coffee breaks during the working day, maybe?'

'If by coffee breaks you mean shagging in the supplies closet, then yes, that would improve the mood, but it'll do nothing for the amount of work that gets done.'

'Can't have everything,' Jack said.

'Not for want of trying,' Ianto replied.

 

After lunch, they headed back to the wheelhouse, making their way in earnest to the spot on Ianto's GPS. Sailing was quite relaxing and Jack was enjoying being back behind the wheel of their vessel, feeling the boat sway and bob underneath them as they cut through the swell.

'They're certainly loud,' Jack said, cringing as their vessel neared the small rocky outcrop.

'It's breeding season,' Ianto replied. 'The rest of the year it'd be a lot quieter. They're almost completely silent when they're fishing.'

Jack squinted, trying to spot the birds roosting in the nooks and crannies higher up.

'How close can we get?' Ianto asked, camera in hand, looking every bit the eager tourist.

'Boat's got a shallow keel so we should be able to sidle up pretty close. Just need to keep an eye on the underwater radar, make sure there's no hidden rocks. Why don't you head out on deck while I get us closer and drop anchor.' Ianto grinned, excited five year old expression on his face.

 

By the time Jack had steered the boat closer to the long flat outcrop, killing the engines and leaving the boat to bob gently as the waves rode up against the island, Ianto was already leaning far over the railings.

'Don't lean too far,' Jack warned, coming up, behind him. When Ianto to turned to face him though, it wasn't the same happy expression he'd left with.

'Something's wrong,' he said.

'What d'you mean?'

'Take a look for yourself,' Ianto said, passing Jack a pair of small binoculars.

Jack held them to his eyes, adjusting the focus as he cast his view upwards. 'They're more colourful than I thought,' he said, admiring the deep violet feathers and the bright beaks in shades of lemon and lime.

'Exactly. They're meant to be black and white with orange beaks.'

'Maybe they're a new species.'

'Then where have all the original puffins gone?'

Jack frowned, checking out the view through the binoculars again. 'How may people know about this place?'

'Department of Marine and Wildlife, a few dozen scientific researchers, that's about it.'

'And when would anyone have last been out here?'

'Dunno. Probably not very often,' Ianto replied. 'It's a designated sanctuary. No human intervention except for research purposes. That's why it's not even marked on the maps.'

'So, in other words, things could have been like this for ages,' Jack surmised.

'Guess so. But not more than  six months, surely.'

Jack cast his binoculars across the face of the rock. They were everywhere. One large swathe of tropical colour. 'There must be thousands of them.'

'Tens of thousands,' Ianto agreed. 'The question is, how did there get to be so many in such a short span of time? One breeding season couldn't result in this many birds, assuming that they  are some kind of natural mutation.'

'Have we got any equipment on board?' Jack asked. 'Something we could use to analyse them?'

'Of course. It is a Torchwood vessel. I always keep it fully stocked.'

'Good,' Jack said, handing him back the binoculars. 'You wanted a weekend with the puffins, so let's go catch us a puffin, then.'

 

Ianto still wasn't sure how, but Jack had managed to snaffle one of the brightly coloured birds as it rested on the ocean waves. Just because they were surrounded by them, didn't mean picking one up was going to be so simple. They were wild birds after all. It squawked and tried to bite him, but Jack kept a firm grip on it before taking it below deck.

'They move quick,' he commented as he passed it to Ianto to hold down on the table. 'They look more clumsy.'

'They fly as well as any bird, swim like a fish and burrow like a rabbit. They are truly the most multi-skilled of all birds.'

'Now I see why you like them so much. Hold it still,' Jack said, taking a needle and drawing a sample of blood. The puffin vocalised its displeasure and Ianto felt sorry for it.

'You think we can get some comparative DNA samples?' Jack asked.

'I'll see if I can hack into some of the university databases. What do we do with this little guy?'

'Let him go. We're not short on candidates if we need to run more than tests.'

 

Whilst Jack's analyses were running through one computer, Ianto was on his laptop, downloading research from a Bristol University laboratory which had dozens of birds cataloged; their every attribute collected and filed away. Years of research on local puffin populations being gathered to analyze the impact commercial fishing routes were having on breeding cycles and the availability of food sources.

'Should have known we couldn't just have a normal weekend away,' Ianto muttered leaning over the laptop on the narrow bench.

'I did offer to call up The Doctor,' Jack replied, parking himself next to Ianto. 'A weekend away isn't a weekend away when you can come back five minutes after you left. A week in the Vegas Galaxy could've been on the cards.'

'A weekend, Jack,' Ianto clarified. 'If we'd gone with The Doctor, we wouldn't have been back until sometime in the middle of next August.'

Jack was about to defend the wayward Time Lord when the computer pinged. He stepped over and checked the results. 'Well, they're not puffins,' Jack announced.

'But they look like puffins. I mean, except for the technicolor makeover. Drag queen puffins.'

'Alien,' Jack replied.

'Not possible,' Ianto said, knowing it for certain.

'Scouts honour,' Jack replied. 'This DNA,' he said, pointing at the screen, 'isn't like anything on Earth. There's no match to the DNA profiles from any of that university records you turned up. I've only seen markers like this in the Delta Nine quadrant.'

'But where did they come from? How did they get here? The rift doesn't reach this far.'

'As far as we know,' Jack countered.

'But there's nothing in any direction for fifty miles. You think they flew all this way out here when they could've taken up residence closer to Cardiff?'

'So, let's take a better look around this rock,' Jack said, heading back upstairs.

 

Jack started up the boat again, making a slow circuit of the island. Everywhere he looked, it was covered in tropical coloured birds, clashing against the dull British weather.

'Wait, what's that over there?' Ianto said, pointing to a much smaller island of rock just a few hundred yards further away. Jack steered the boat between the two islands, and stopped the engines whist they went out on deck for a closer look.

'Puffins,' Ianto declared, seeing them through his binoculars.

'So? The place is covered in them.'

'No, I mean, real puffins. Ordinary coloured ones.'

Jack took a look for himself. Ianto was right. These ones looked like the pictures he'd seen in books, but they were clustered heavily on the tiny island which was barely bigger than a house. There was hardly a spare inch of rock not covered in black and white.

'I think we've got ourselves a turf war,' Jack said. 'I'd say our locals have been evicted to less than welcoming accommodations.'

'But, there's no way all of them can live on an island that small.'

'I don't think the new neighbours care.'

'Can I feel affronted on their behalf?' Ianto asked. Nobody kicked a Welshman off his turf without a fight.

'Affront away, 'Jack said, pulling his phone out from his pocket.

'Are you calling the team in?' Ianto asked. 'Only I don't know how we go about capturing umpteen thousands alien birds, even with a full compliment. We'd need something capable of casting a net over the entire island.'

'Nope,' Jack replied. 'Not the team.'

'Then who?'

'I think we need to see a Doctor.'

 

On the whole, Jack didn't like admitting defeat, but he also knew when he was out of his depth to solve something. Besides, even if they did managed to catch them all, what the hell would they do with them then?

It wasn't long before the grinding, whirring sound could be heard, a large blue police box shimmering into view on the main deck of their boat.

'He's here,' Ianto called out to Jack, who rushed from the wheelhouse.

'Yeah, but which one?' he said, standing beside Ianto, waiting for the door to swing open.

'It's the grumpy one,' Ianto said, receiving a nudge in the side from Jack for the comment. He'd come across at least four different Doctors so far, but this one was the least pleasant in Ianto's mind. Well, not unpleasant, just gruff and Scottish. Perhaps if you got to know him better...

'I hope it's good, The Doctor said. 'I was in the middle of a chess game with Ben Hur. He cheats.'

'Ben Hur isn't real,' Jack said.

'Oh, well that's a worry.' He leant forward conspiratorially. 'Who was I playing with, then?'

'Does it matter?' Jack said. 'Listen, we've got a bit of an infestation.'

'Seven point four billion people on the planet,' The Doctor mused. 'I'd call that more than an infestation.'

Ianto rolled his eyes and Jack gripped The Doctor by the shoulders, turning him to face the island.

The Doctor tapped the edge of his sunglasses, taking in the view. 'Ah, I see. Not that humans you were talking about, then.'

'Do you know what they are?' Jack asked.

'A technicolor pestilence,' The Doctor replied, with no small amount of enthusiasm.

'Should we be concerned? We caught one earlier, but the didn't seem dangerous.'

'Not so long as you don't mind sharing.'

'What do you mean by sharing?' Ianto asked.

'Voracious appetite for ornithological relations,' The Doctor said. 'They'd put even you to shame, Jack.'

Ianto raised his eyebrows in mock surprise. 'Something that shags more often than Jack?'

'The universe is full of impossibilities,' The Doctor quipped, watching the annoyed expression spread over Jack's  face.

'I didn't have to call you, y'know,' he huffed.

'Oh, but you did. Leave these things here and you'd have had the entire planet overrun with them inside a year. See, it's all fun and games until the alien puffins show up. Like locusts, but with an appetite for zooplankton and fornication.'

'So, what do we do? Ianto said. 'You're not suggesting we euthanise them, are you?'

'Not at all. Stick them on a colony world full of the little buggers.'

Jack felt confused. 'How does that help?'

'Well, see eventually they figure out that there's not enough food or nesting space to sustain a bigger population, so that rather quells the desire to keep multiplying. Procreation requires a lot of energy.'

'Forced abstinence,' Jack muttered. 'What a way to go.'

'You ought to try it some time,' The Doctor said. 'God knows its a wonder you don't have descendants dotted all over space and time, causing chaos.'

Jack smirked at him. 'Who says I don't?'

The Doctor pulled down his shades and looked at Jack. 'Trust me, I'd know.'

Ianto cleared his throat loudly. He didn't want to contemplate Jack having spawned across the universe. 'So, can you take them? I mean, I'm not suggesting adoption... Just you know, maybe you have a really big alien net or something?'

'Yes, the TARDIS can generate a gravitational field, linked into the DNA of the birds in question, thus removing them from the island.'

'Where do they go, then?'

The Doctor gave him a withering look.

'Right,' Ianto said, stopping and correcting himself. 'Bigger on the inside. But... I have to ask one thing. What are the chances that something that looks exactly like a puffin could come through the rift, find an island full of puffins and take over their home? Have they evolved through time and space, maybe looking for a similar home?' he asked.

The Doctor sighed loudly. 'You humans have such tiny minds. It's no wonder you never get bored. Everything that happens must seem like a marvel.'

'So, not evolution?'

'They're shape shifters of course, everybody knows that. If the first things they'd found was chickens, then they'd all look like chickens. If it had been bluebirds, they'd have been bluebirds. If it had been cassowaries, well, that could have gotten interesting, couldn't it? Thirty-five thousand cassowaries. Where would you put them all?'

Jack rested his hands on Ianto's shoulder and leant in to whisper in his ear. 'No more questions. Let's just let the Doc do what he needs to do, okay?'

Ianto let out a vexed breath but silenced himself at Jack's behest. It wasn't his fault that he was curious. It didn't mean The Doctor had to treat him like an idiot, though.

'I still think you're clever,' Jack added, before marching off to direct The Doctor to get on with things, shoving him back through the TARDIS doors.

 

It didn't take long for the pair of them to set the TARDIS to the task of creating a gravitational net.

'Don't twirl that dial,' The Doctor instructed him.

'I know what I'm doing,' Jack replied, having thrown his coat off and tossed it in Ianto's direction, having been relegated to a chair at the side, watching the two time traveller's do what they did best.

'She doesn't like it when you twirl that,' The Doctor insisted.

'No, she just doesn't like you twirling it,' he said, giving it a good hard twirl and hearing the TARDIS hum happily. 'She told me I can twirl her dials anytime I like.'

'Oh, yes, you always play up to the companions, don't you?' The Doctor moaned. 'Just remember who stole you!'

Ianto couldn't help but grin. The Doctor might be a grumpy old regeneration, but at least the TARDIS never changed.

'Okay, we're ready to vacuum up some aliens,' Jack announced. 'Ianto, would you like the honor of pushing the button?'

Ianto nearly fell off the chair. 'Who me?'

'I do the button pushing around here, thank you very much,' The Doctor declared. He swept over pushing the button with great flair to nil effect. Jack grinned at the TARDIS's obstinance.

'Oh, you're going to be like that, are you?' The Doctor said, yelling at the TARDIS. 'Fine, let the Earthling do it then.'

This one, Jack said as Ianto came over, indicating the blue button. He pressed it gently and hear the humming on the engines as they began generating the field. Through the open TARDIS door, there was a thin blue film descending over the island, and like a magnet held  over pile of metal filings, the birds began to lift up into the field, before it collapsed into a long tube, sucked into the depths of the TARDIS.

'Good work, Ianto,' Jack said, clapping him on the back, as if he'd single-handedly solved ther problem. 'Looks like you've got an unscheduled trip to drop these guys off now, Doc?'

'All's well that ends well,' The Doctor said. 'I suppose you'll be going back to whatever it was you were doing before you needed me, then?'

Jack folded his arms over and considered the tall man. 'Doctor, how long have you been travelling without a companion?' he asked.

'Why?'

Jack narrowed his eyes. 'It shows.'

'Well,' he said, feeling taken aback. 'I've been busy. I don't have unlimited time for teaching Earthlings the ins and outs of the universe! Some of us aren't going to live forever.'

'Trust me, you need someone.'

'Not us,' Ianto whispered in Jack's ear. Please don't let Jack volunteer them. He wasn't ready to give up home for months or years on end just yet. Jack wrapped an arm reassuringly around him.

'I'll think about it,' The Doctor replied.

'Good. Well, we won't keep you any longer. I promised this man some puffin sightseeing, and we won't be leaving until we get up close and personal with the real deal.' Jack proceeded to push Ianto down the ramp towards the door. Just before he himself was out through the narrow doorway he turned back. 'Don't be a stranger, Doc. If you ever need someone, we're right here.'

The Doctor gave him a wan smile. 'You're a good man, Captain. Tell that boyfriend of yours he's not as stupid as he sounds. He does have you, after all.'

Jack grinned back, giving him a salute before disappearing out through the door.

'Just another quiet weekend together,' Ianto said, watching the TARDIS fade away.

Jack gave a mild shrug. 'Quiet would be boring.'

'Maybe,' Ianto replied. 'If we ever had one, that is.'

Jack chuckled and pecked him on the cheek. 'Now, where's that camera? I want a photo of us and these puffins, just to prove to the team that we're capable of staying out of trouble, and that we don't ever do anything exciting.'

'Yes,' Ianto said passing it to him, 'it's all just long hours on the couch watching TV, endless rounds of sex and boring nature trips. Nothing exciting ever happens.'

Comments

[jo02]

Lol, it's the grumpy one Doctor answering their call :)

Maybe he needs to take a couple of puffins with him - that'll cheer him up.

[bk_forever]

Oh thank goodness, they saved the Puffins!

(I took a trip like that one year, but in a small motor boat across very rough sea to an island off the Welsh coast where puffins lived. North Wales though. It was quite an adventure.)