Torchwood: Fanfic: The problem next door

[m_findlow]

Title: The problem next door
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters: Andy Davidson, Ianto, Gwen, Jack, OCs
Author: m_findlow
Rating: PG
Length: 2,447 words
Content notes: none
Author notes: Written for secretstaircase's prompt "Any, any, Nobody Sleeps (Six Feet Under)" at fic_promptly
Summary: Andy's new neighbours are causing trouble.

'What's wrong with you?' Ianto asked, setting the mug of coffee down on the desk in front of Andy, who had his head in his hands, leaning over the desk.

'Johnson dragged me out on a weevil hunt last night,' he groaned. 'I didn't get to bed until four am.'

Ianto just chuckled. He'd done more than his fair share of that over the years, and Torchwood wasn't kind to the circadian rhythm. Plus, he imagined tracking down and relocating a rogue weevil with Johnson wasn't exactly a barrel of laughs. She was a good agent, and she was okay once you got to know her, but she could be a bit aloof and a killjoy for the uninitiated.

'You'll get used to it,' he promised.

'Oh, it would have been fine,' Andy replied, cupping his hands around the mug and taking a grateful sip of the contents. 'It's the neighbours keeping me awake every other night in between that's the problem.'

'Students?' he asked, imagining a bunch of rowdy twenty something's pounding out techno beats all night long.

Andy turned around in his seat and fixed Ianto with a firm look. 'So, here's the thing, right, and don't tell me I'm crazy.'

'Cross my heart,' Ianto said, already worried about any sentence that started with a caveat about not making an automatic presumption of insanity.

'So, the old couple I used to live next door to moved out a few weeks ago. He had a stroke and she moved him into one of those disgusting nursing homes that you hear about on the telly. You know, where they hose the old people down and feed them dog food.'

'Charming.'

'Anyway, she said the house was too big and too far away for her to stay in on her own, so she decided to rent it out until she could sell it.'

'Let me guess,' Ianto said, taking a seat in the chair opposite. 'Nice little old lady moves out, in come the neighbours from hell.'

Andy pointed at him. 'See, now that's what you'd think, wouldn't you? Only I met them a few days after they moved in. Seemed like a lovely couple, late twenties, maybe early thirties, probably getting married next year and with a baby on the way after that.'

Ianto frowned. 'So, what's the problem?'

'Alright, so I admit, I'm not the world's heaviest sleeper,' Andy confessed, 'but ever since they've been there, all I hear are these random thumps and banging noises. All night long. Now don't laugh, but I was a police officer once upon a time, and I can't help thinking maybe there's some kind of domestic violence thing going on.'

'Has there been any yelling or screaming?' Ianto asked.

'Not a sausage. Strange, don't you think?'

It was hard to give an honest answer. Ianto's definition of strange had become seriously warped over time. Neighbours banging around their houses was perfectly pedestrian compared to most of what they dealt with.

'It could be nothing, but then again, if you're worried, maybe you should do something about it,' Ianto suggested.

'And say what? "Sorry, but your banging is really driving me bonkers. Would you mind just stopping?".'

'Or you could call the police. Let them do it. Someone must owe you a few favours as an ex-colleague.'

Andy scoffed. 'You're kidding, aren't you? They all think I sold them out for a cushy special ops desk job.'

'Well, you've still got your Torchwood issue police credentials.'

'Oh, yes, because impersonating a police officer isn't an offense.'

Ianto frowned. 'But you used to be a police officer, so how can you be impersonating one?'

Andy couldn't help but feel confused by Ianto's twisted sense of logic.

'All I'm saying,' Ianto said, leaning forward, 'is that if it bothers you that much, go knock on their door. If they're not home, well, maybe just have a little poke around.'

Andy looked up at him. 'We do that?'

Ianto sucked in air between his teeth. 'The knocking is more of a courtesy. It's also more of an exception than a rule.'

'Break in first, ask questions later?'

Ianto grinned. 'Something like that. I think it falls under the "beyond the police" part of our remit.'

'You know, I'm still not sure I understand this whole Torchwood thing, and when we do or don't stick our noses in somewhere,' Andy confessed. 'You really need an employee handbook or something.'

Ianto shrugged, standing up to clear away his now empty mug, taking a file with him. 'When in doubt, check it out.'

'When in doubt, check it out. I like that,' Andy said.

Ianto smiled. 'At the end of the day, what's the harm? Like you say, it might be nothing. Might be they invite you round for tea.'

'That's likely?' Andy asked.

'Probably not. But it made you feel better for a moment, didn't it?' he said, making his leave.

When in doubt, check it out. Ianto's words repeated in his head all afternoon, and the more he thought about it, the more it made sense. Maybe he was overreacting. They seemed like such nice people, but then again, a lot of people seemed very friendly and cooperative when they were trying to hide something. Steeling himself, he made the decision to pay them a visit.

By the time he got home though, his resolve had crumbled. It was the cute little wave that the petite blonde had given him as she got out of her car, spying him walking to his mailbox to collect the post.

'Hi,' she called out.

'Hi,' he said, waving stupidly back, and cursing himself the whole way back up the path and into the house.

It was barely after dark when the first of the banging sounds started. He abandoned his half eaten dinner and slipped out into the backyard, creeping towards the fence. He carefully poked his head over, trying to see if he could get a better look at their back patio. He knew it was wrong, sneaking a peek through their kitchen, and what was maybe their living room as well. He wouldn't have fancied anyone spying into his backyard, even though he had nothing to hide. Maybe he was overreacting. Maybe they'd just been busy unpacking all their boxes of stuff from when they've moved in, rearranging furniture, improving the flow of qi around the house. Although, come to think of it, he didn't remember a moving van ever pulling up.

The banging continued the next night, and the night after, and by then Andy had had enough. Before he left for work, he knocked on the door, using the pretext of checking whether they might be okay to pet sit his cat if he planned on going to Spain for two weeks. That he didn't have a cat, nor a planned holiday, didn't matter. All he needed was an excuse.

It was the boyfriend who opened the door, catching Andy by surprise. The man looked very tired, unshaven in his fluffy blue dressing gown. Andy knew how he felt.

'Can I help you?'

'Hi,' Andy said, giving another stupid wave, not unlike the one from the other day. 'Um, I know you're new to the street, but I might be looking for someone to feed my cat while I'm on holiday. She's a bit skittish and doesn't like sudden noises, so I'm just sounding out neighbours who might be wiling to lend a hand.'

The man, Darren, Andy seemed to remember, frowned at him. Then there was a thud from inside the house.

'Everything okay in there?' Andy asked.

'Yeah,' he replied. 'Just the missus. Clumsy,' he added. 'Probably not us, mate.'

'Sorry?'

'With the cat. We work odd hours.'

'Oh. No worries, then,' Andy said, trying to look over his shoulder and inside the house beyond him. 'Like I said, just putting the feelers out.'

'Eh?' Darren said, sounding annoyed, or maybe insulted.

'Have a good day,' Andy said, smiling and making a hasty retreat.

He mulled over the issue all day long, wondering why it kept bugging him that something wasn't quite right with his new neighbours. Maybe it was his old police instincts kicking in. Perhaps if he could get Leeann on her own, she might be more forthcoming than her boyfriend. If he was beating her, he'd soon out an end to that.

When Gwen came in, he decided to tell her as well.

'Of course you should investigate!' she said. 'Anything could be going on. I can come with you if you like.'

Andy declined the offer of assistance. He knew Gwen was itching to get out in the field, being currently relegated to a desk job, whilst she was on a part time maternity leave arrangement. She didn't love Jack's new rules, but it was intended to keep her out of harm's way. Her baby daughter needed her more than Torchwood did.

When he stumbled in through his front door, after another late night, he was certain that as soon as he dropped onto the sofa, nothing would wake him. But the sounds from next door woke him without fail. Still dressed, he ran out through the front door and across the front lawn, skipping over the low fence and into their front yard. No time for thinking, Andy, and no time to call for backup. Just get in there and find out what the hell is going on.

The front door was locked. He pulled out a lock pick set from his wallet and fumbled the small tools in the lock. The others made this look so easy, he thought, trying to remember the difference in locks and how to pick it. In the end, he went with the Jack Harkness approach, shoulder charging it instead.

When he finally fell in through the door, staggering down the hallway, what he was confronted with shocked him.

'I'm sorry, babe,' Leeann's voice said.

'How many times do I have to tell you to be more careful?' Darren said.

'I know! It's these stupid little houses. How's anyone supposed to move around without knocking into stuff?'

Andy was gobsmacked. Instead of two people standing in their living room having a normal argument, there were two large purple creatures, each with bulbous bodies and long insect like legs that splayed out in all directions. In the middle of the room was a upturned sofa and a broke lamp.

'Bloody hell,' Andy muttered, and the two of them turned and saw him.

'Uh oh,' Leeann said, looking horrified and guilty.

'You're aliens!' Andy cried.

'Please don't hurt us! We don't want to harm anyone.'

'He said this was a quiet neighbourhood,' Darren muttered. 'No nosy folk.'

'Who said?' Andy asked.

'The man who set us up here. He said we'd be safe here.'

'Yeah, but who was he?' Andy paused, trying a different tact. 'Listen, it's okay. I'm not going to hurt you. I work for an organization called Torchwood. We take care of aliens all the time.'

'Yeah,' Darren said. 'He works for you. Guy with the big coat.'

'Jack?'

'That's the one.'

'Very lovely man,' Leeann added. 'It's just that this house is too small for our normal forms. We keep running into walls and knocking stuff over. Darren nearly got jammed in the hall the other night. These human forms are just way too uncomfortable to keep on all day long.'

'Alright,' Andy said, letting out the breath he'd been holding. 'I can fix this. In the morning I'll speak to Jack and get something sorted out.'

'Really? You'd do that for us?'

'That's my job,' Andy said, feeling proud about it for the first time.

'You have aliens living next door?' Ianto said, sounding incredulous. Andy arrived first thing, and Ianto was the only one around at that early hour for him to explain what had happened last night. 'How is that even possible? Every alien settled in Cardiff is registered. If they were living at the address you say, we'd have known.'

'They said Jack set them up there.'

Ianto closed his eyes, and Andy could tell he was avoiding saying something he couldn't take back. 'Of course Jack did.'

'Of course I did, what?' Jack said, making his grand entrance.

'Andy has aliens living next door.'

'Really? Which ones?'

'Ones we didn't know about,' Ianto said, glaring at Jack. 'Because someone didn't fill out the requisite paperwork.'

'Hey, you have so many forms these days for everything it's a wonder I get anything done! Aliens would turn tail if they saw how much red tape there was to come here!'

'I'm going to pretend that wasn't a thinly veiled insult about my processes.'

'So you've got aliens next door,' Jack said. 'What's the big problem?'

'Big is exactly the problem,' Andy said. 'They're too big and the house is too small.'

'It's not small, it's cosy.'

'It's not on the approved housing list,' Ianto added.

'She was some nice old lady who needed to get rid of the place. I was just helping out.'

Ianto sighed. 'I've never known anyone who causes so much trouble on the premise of helping.'

'Listen,' Andy said, 'can we worry about rubber stamps and filing later? These people just want somewhere comfy to stay.'

Ianto gave Jack another withering look, daring him to open his mouth. 'I'll check our approved list of available properties and see if any would be suitable. If not we can extend the search. Torchwood has a bit of money in the kitty for buying up something, assuming some idiot hasn't spent it all.'

Jack looked put out by the comments. 'It'd take a month of Sundays to spend that much.'

'Lucky for us,' Ianto replied.

Fortunately it didn't come to that. Ianto found a nice home further out towards the Valleys which was single storey with large tall roofs. The moving truck turned up on the same day and took their meager possessions to their new abode, for which they were immensely grateful.

'We're really sorry to have caused you any trouble, Andy,' Leeann apologised, back in her human form.

'No trouble,' he lied. He was looking forward to a few nights of peaceful uninterrupted sleep. Weevils could take a hike for the next few days.

As Ianto pulled out of their driveway in the moving van, Jack shoved his hands in his pockets, standing next to Andy on the front lawn.

'So, you'll be needing some new neighbours.'

'Looks that way.'

'It's a Torchwood house now. You never know who might move in.'

'So long as they're quiet, I don't care what planet they're from.'

Comments

[jo02]

These things always seem to happen to Andy :)

[m-findlow.livejournal.com]

He took it pretty well, all things considered. It was Jack's fault really for sidestepping standard protocol.

[bk_forever]

*giggles* Of course they were aliens, and of course Jack knew all about it! At least now they have more suitable accommodations, so all's well that ends well. Hopefully Andy's next neighbours will be small and quiet ;)