m_findlow

Title: Barking up the wrong tree
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters: Ianto, Jack
Author: m_findlow
Rating: PG
Length: 887 words
Content notes: none
Author notes: Written for m_findlow's prompt "Any, any, sleeping on the job is a skill" at fic_promptly
Summary: Jack and Ianto are stuck somewhere overnight

This was ridiculous, Ianto thought, feeling his palm being scratched by the rough bark underneath it. Gwen was never going to be allowed to go on holiday ever again. When was the last time he and Jack had been on a holiday? Why did she get a free pass? If she’d been here, maybe they wouldn’t be in this mess now.

He felt ridiculous, just sitting there, perched up in the highest branches of the enormous oak tree that he could reach. Even that had been a stretch, with Jack giving him an initial leg up. How Jack had ever followed him up there was anyone’s guess. He supposed that when you were being hunted down by half a dozen weevils, you could probably manage a good deal of things to save your own skin.

'Another fine mess you’ve gotten us into,' he muttered, watching Jack straddling a bough on the other side of the tree just below his own position.

'I thought we could handle them.'

Ianto gave him a withering look in the dark. 'There’s five. Even with our very considerable collective expertise, that’s at least two too many.'

'We could have taken them,' Jack insisted. 'It was only that the spray didn’t work on the first one.'

'Which incensed it further,' Ianto replied, grabbing the branch above him for support. 'And then its friends turned up. If we’d stood our ground we’d have been torn to shreds.'

'Hey, even I know when to turn tail and run. Being immortal doesn’t make you stupid.'

No, Ianto thought, but they must have looked mightily stupid running across the park and scrambling up a tree like a pair of frightened squirrels being chased by a dog off its leash.

'Let’s just be glad they don’t how to climb trees, yeah?'

Jack frowned and looked at him. 'Why is that? I mean, they have opposable thumbs and everything.'

Ianto let out a vexed sigh. 'Is now really the time to concern ourselves with the one perplexing matter that is currently keeping us from being torn limb from limb? Can we not just be grateful that evolution passed by the weevils?'

'Fair point.'

They sat there and watched as the weevils encircled the tree. Whether they were hungry, angry or just merely curious was hard to tell. New weevils were far less predictable than Cardiff local weevils.

'They’re not leaving,' Jack said plaintively, feeling a cramp in his ankle.

'I noticed, but thank you for pointing out the bleedingly obvious,' Ianto retorted.

'So, what do we do?'

'Why are you asking me? Oh, wait, yes I’ve actually had the solution here all along but I just decided that spending the entire night stuck up a tree would be more fun.'

'My, but you’re in a cheery mood this evening,' Jack said, scowling up at him.

'Is it really any wonder?' He shuffled so that the tree limb wasn’t cutting off circulation to his lower leg. If he could just sidle a little closer to the main trunk, there was a bit of a nook he could lean in against. He shuffled again, finding the spot. Yes, that was much better. He leaned his head back against the trunk and closed his eyes for a minute.

'What are you doing?' Jack asked.

Ianto cracked open an eye. 'What does it look like? Better to fall in asleep in a spot where I’m not going to fall out than sit here all night until I literally drop off the perch with exhaustion.'

'You’re going to sleep in a tree?'

'Unless you have a solution for our current problem, then yes.'

Jack felt utterly bamboozled. When had his lover become the "devil may care" one in their relationship?

'You’re serious?'

'Weevils don’t like coming out during the day. By morning I’m sure they’ll crawl back to whatever hole it is they came from. For now though, we’re severely outnumbered. I’m not seeing any alternative. And, sleeping on the job is a skill.'

Jack looked down at the five beasts, growling and glaring balefully up at them. They seemed annoyed that Jack and Ianto didn’t want to come down and play with them. Given the late hour, there wasn’t much else for them to do and no one else was around, for which Jack was indeed grateful.

'Can I come up closer to you?' he asked, sounding hopeful.

'What, so you can shove me off the branch like you do when I’m in bed? I don’t think so. What’s wrong with the branch you’re on?'

'It doesn’t have you.'

Ianto groaned. 'Stop being such a baby and get some sleep, or keep a watch, I don’t particularly care. I for one will just be glad when they’re gone. For now it’s weevils one, Torchwood nil.'

Jack watched in amazement as Ianto did just that, pulling his coat tighter around him and nestling into the fork of the tree's branches like some oversized opossum, settling in for the night.

Well, when in Rome, Jack thought, repositioning himself. It wasn’t St David’s hotel, but it wasn’t the most uncomfortable placed he’d ever kipped either. And it was certainly better than waiting out the entire night keeping himself amused.

'Not tonight, guys,' he called down to their avid observers. 'These two night owls are staying put.'