Torchwood: Fanfic: Best intentions

[m_findlow]

Title: Best intentions
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters: Jack, Ianto
Author: m_findlow
Rating: PG
Length: 1,212 words
Content notes: none
Author notes: Written for m_findlow's prompt "Any, any, Leave me alone. I don't need your company." at fic_promptly
Summary: Ianto thought he was doing the right thing

Ianto was completely out of breath, and not all of it was on account of his latest challenge from Jack. He'd had to reach down to Jack's hand and force him to click the stopwatch off, because there wasn't any breath left for speaking. Somehow he already knew that he'd lost this particular game. Jack's kiss had lasted for what felt like and eternity. It was a small miracle he hadn't passed out, but then again, Jack was a competitive beast. Ianto's own kiss just couldn't compare for duration and they both knew it.

It didn't hurt that he was enjoying it, and to Ianto's mind, that was rather the whole point. Jack needed a distraction after everything that had happened today. They both did. Suzie hadn't always been what Ianto would describe as a people person, but she was nice enough in her own way, clever and tenacious, and all the things that made a good Torchwood agent. Her first death had been shocking enough; the second felt more like some surreal nightmare. Death by Torchwood, he remembered the words. Death by Jack Harkness. For some people that would have meant one and the same. He could see that troubled look etched on Jack's face, so he'd done the only thing he could think of. Plenty of things you can do with a stopwatch...

'You lose, Ianto Jones,' Jack grinned, shoving the stopwatch back against his chest. 'Nobody kisses as long as I do. My turn. Fastest to get undressed, and no cheating by hindering efforts. Hands where I can see them.' Jack forced the smile to stay in place, but his heart wasn't in it. Ianto saw straight through it. He reached out to touch Jack's face. Jack flinched unexpectedly.

'What are you doing?' Jack asked. Somehow he knew this wasn't part of the game.

'I just... I'm sorry about today.'

Jack took another step back, frowning. 'So what, this is all just some plan to get me into bed because you feel sorry for me? A quick shag and Jack will forget all about it? I killed her. Again. She's dead because of me and I have to live with that.'

No, that wasn't what this was. Yes, he sympathised with Jack. Suzie had to be killed, but none of them could have done it. That didn't make it okay, not by a long way, but that didn't make it easy to swallow either. He wasn't sure he'd ever properly grieved Suzie's death the first time around. He'd been so consumed by trying to save Lisa that everything else had faded into the background. Now every death seemed to hit him twice as hard. Why did Suzie's death upset him so much now? Was it just one more thing he couldn't fix? Wasn't it all pointless if they couldn't save the people they cared about the most? Was that what ate away at him and kept him awake at night?

Suzie didn't deserve to die. It was the glove, he decided. It changed her. The idea that something in the hub had been so dangerous and none of them had spotted all the warning signs angered him. Had they just not cared enough, stuck in their own little worlds? Her death was on all of them, not just Jack. Maybe that was what upset him so much. Survivor's guilt. Did he need to hear Jack say that it wasn't anyone's fault?

He and Jack had only been doing this for a little while, this semi-relationship, casual sex thing, but it had helped knowing that they could share something and set aside some of their pain for just a little while. There was so much pain. Didn't they deserve just a little bit of happiness?

Ianto reached out again. 'Jack...'

'You know, Ianto, I'm not nearly as shallow as you might think.' He said it in such an offended, patronising way that Ianto felt like he'd been slapped.

This wasn't what he'd intended. He'd needed to lose himself in someone else; they both did, so he'd put it all out on the line. He hadn't known how to broach the subject but when Jack had been standing there, slumped against the morgue wall, the crazy words had just popped into his head. He didn't really know what he had in mind when he'd said it, hoping Jack's own inventiveness in that department might fill in the gaps. And up until a few moments ago, it had.

He needed a way to pull Jack from the edge he was teetering on, because hated seeing Jack in pain. He didn't know how else to process grief. He'd hoped all of that might come later, when they were done with the distraction, just the two of them alone. He'd never been good at sharing his feelings, but he thought just maybe, in the right circumstances, he and Jack could both find a way to unburden themselves. He wasn't sure when things between them had changed but the more time he spent with Jack, the harder he kept falling for the man. It wasn't just sex anymore. Not for him.

'I didn't...' Ianto began. Jack turned away from him before he could figure out how to finish the sentence.

Jack walked across to his desk and picked up the coat he'd left lying over the back of his chair. Whatever amorous feelings he'd had just a few moments ago had dropped away like a veil having uncovered the truth. He shouldn't be having fun. He should hate himself. Worse that someone else thought a bit of rough and tumble between the sheets could make him forget everything he'd done.

'I just remembered something I've gotta do,' he said, slipping his arm into the thick grey woolen sleeve. 'It'll take me a while. Don't wait up for me,' he said, leaving Ianto standing there, perplexed by the sudden pall that had descended.

Jack had an appointment with the tallest roof in Cardiff, somewhere he could be alone without any looks of pity and attempts to make him feel better. He felt bad enough about it without having Ianto trying to console him. None of them could understand what it was like to be him, to never die, but to have to watch the rest of them die. Did Ianto look at him and wonder when Jack might put a bullet in him? Didn't all Torchwood agents die young? Only Jack got to keep living forever. None of them would ever understand that. Their lives were in his hands, and he didn't need someone to come along and try to give him something new and shiny to distract from him failing them. He wasn't ten years old. Ianto should know better. He had feelings too. The obvious sympathy was more than his could stomach.

'Jack,' Ianto pleaded, grabbing the arm of Jack's coat.

'No. Leave me alone. I don't need your company.' He tugged himself out of Ianto's grip. 'See you tomorrow,' he said, effectively dismissing Ianto.

Ianto cursed himself as he watched Jack's silhouette stride out of the hub. He wished he had the courage to yell after him to stop. Please don't go. I love you. I don't want to do this alone.

Comments

[bk_forever]

Ouch! Poor Ianto, Jack doesn't stop his self-pity party for even a second to think he might not be the only one hurting. I feel for both of them.