Torchwood: Fanfic: Blue balls

[m_findlow]

Title: Blue balls
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters: Ianto, Owen, Jack
Author: m_findlow
Rating: PG
Length: 1,008 words
Content notes: none
Author notes: Written for m_findlow's prompt "Torchwood, Ianto/Owen, the one time they're not at each other's throats is when they're getting revenge on Jack" at fic_promptly
Summary: Sometimes, if you can't beat 'em, join' em.

'Shh!' Ianto hissed.

'What?' Owen complained. 'I didn't say anything.'

'Shut up. He'll hear you.'

'He'll hear you moaning, more like.'

'Shh!'

Neither of them could remember the exact moment when they'd decided to join forces. Usually they were at each other's throats, in the most amicable way possible, since they tended to live in one another's pockets. It wasn't that they hated each other, on the contrary, they were probably more like family. But just like any family, they got on each other's nerves, wound each other up, and just made a general nuisance of themselves when they were having a bad day. There'd been a few heated arguments over the years, resulting in Jack having to intercede before it came to blows, but when push came to shove, they had each other's backs.

Just like right now. Like all good families with rival siblings, the one time they were in perfect sync was when some other sibling was giving them grief. In this case, it was Jack.

It was his smart alec attitude and the way he threw himself headlong into any situation without waiting for the others to give him the all clear. His latest misstep had resulted in both Owen and Ianto not only being covered head to toe in something that stank god awful, but which had also turned their hands and faces green and their hair a lurid shade of fuchsia. Whether it had been planned, or it was just pure luck and good reflexes, Jack had dodged the angry little plant that had ejected its mess.

'Don't worry, it's totally harmless,' he said, giving it a nudge with his boot, before instructing them to pack it up. Five seconds later it was quivering and then, kaboom!

'Oops. Must've been in its pollinating phase,' Jack said as the pair of them knelt there, still in shock from the enormity of the goop that had come out of such a tiny little thing.

'Are you saying we just got inseminated?' Owen said.

Jack shrugged. 'Lucky for all those contraceptives in the local rain.'

'Oh, that's just...' Ianto began, but couldn't find words to finish the sentence.

'So, what happens now?' Owen said. 'God, this stuff stinks!'

'Nothing. You'll be fine,' Jack said, but smirking the whole time. He knew exactly what would happen. The next week was going to get real interesting.

To add insult to injury, they had to trek home on foot. As much as Ianto hated it, he couldn't bear the thought of trying to clean this mess out of the SUV. He'd probably gag in the confined space from the smell alone.

'We could've used the bus,' Owen moaned, his feet aching from the new sneakers he'd put on this morning.

'They would have thought we were homeless,' Ianto replied, trying to breathe through his mouth. 'Probably would have been kicked off by the driver, assuming he let us on in the first place.'

The smell would have been the least of their problems, as the colour changing properties had kicked into full effect by the time they reached the hub, both of them equally horrified and embarrassed, heading straight for the showers.

'Ianto, mate, it's not coming off,' Owen said, scrubbing hard and adding another dollop of extra strength cleaning soap.

'Me either,' he said, washing his hair for the third time

Jack hooted with laughter when they finally made their appearance.

'You two look like something out of a gay pride march.'

They could have forgiven him his initial reaction, and the fit of giggles that lasted well into the afternoon, but it was the jokes that carried on for the next three days that wore down their patience.

"I came in this morning expecting the water tower to be made of candy, and a river of chocolate running down it. Oh, wait, no, I'm confusing you with oompah loompahs."

"Are you okay? You're looking a bit green around the gills."

"You know, you're right, Ianto. Red definitely is your colour. Not pink. Or green."

"Someone once told me that if you pat a leprechaun on the head, he'll give you good luck. Or was it gold? Maybe both. Wanna try?"

'If he goes to pat my head one more time,' Owen warned, 'I'll fucking rip his balls off.'

'Trust me,' Ianto whispered. 'Once this dust goes off, he'll be blue for a week. Royal blue.'

'Everywhere?'

Ianto grinned. 'Everywhere.'

'Well, gives a whole new meaning to blue balls. And it won't affect anything else?'

'Only reacts with carbon life forms and has half life of about an hour.'

'You're scary when you're fucking brilliant,' Owen said.

'Thank you.'

Ianto finished setting the long copper wire out and attaching one end to the small charge inside the box of blue chemical. They crept across Jack's office and knelt by the entrance to his bunker. Owen carefully lowered the box on its wire string until he felt the wire go slack resting it on the ground. Ianto knelt poised beside him, the heavy door in his hands, quietly shutting it over the top, leaving just a tiny gap.

'Do it,' he said, and Owen ran a charge through the wire. There was a tiny snap sound at the bottom and Ianto pushed the door all the way shut, sealing their little present inside.

'He won't notice a room full of blue smoke?' Owen asked.

Ianto snorted. 'Jack would sleep through a nuclear holocaust. Probably have to go in the in the morning and wake him up myself. '

'So why'd you keep telling me to be quiet, then?'

'Two birds, one stone,' Ianto replied.

Owen stood up and dusted off his jeans. 'We should grab a beer.'

'It's two in the morning.'

Owen shrugged. 'So? Fridge full of beer and nothing to do but wait until morning to admire our handiwork. I wanna be right here when he starts screaming like a banshee.'

Ianto grinned. 'D'you know I think this could be the start of a beautiful friendship.'

Comments

[bk_forever]

Torchwood is certainly getting colourful, what with Ianto and Owen pink and green, and Jack blue! I'd love to see Jack's reaction though.