Torchwood: Fanfic: A welcome with a difference

[m_findlow]

Title: A welcome with a difference
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters: Torchwood team
Author: m_findlow
Rating: PG
Length: 543 words
Content notes: none
Author notes: Written for badly_knitted's prompt "Any, any, Bottoms up!" at fic_promptly
Summary: Some alien customs are more unusual than others

'He's taking the mickey, isn't he?' Owen asked, looking around at his fellow teammates. They all returned his look with grave faces that suggested otherwise.

There was no way Jack was being serious. This was all just some elaborate prank to get back at him for the humping dog toy. Not his fault it got zapped by something alien and started actually chasing Jack around the hub. It had been pretty funny though. This, on the other hand, was bound to be one of those carefully crafted revenge plans. Jack and Teaboy had no doubt concocted this. It had all the hallmarks.

'Not doing it,' Owen said, folding his arms and fixing them with a firm stare. They didn't think he was really so stupid as to fall for this, did they?

'You really don't wanna offend these guys,' Jack said, still looking serious. 'The best we can do is observe their customs, offer them whatever help we can, and let them be on their way.'

'They wouldn't do anything drastic, would they?' Gwen asked.

'On a planet that's not their's, probably not, but they're not known for their patience, either. We play it safe and show them our hand so that they don't think we're up to anything untoward.'

'Only it's not our hands we'll be showing them,' Ianto quipped, still slightly uneasy about what Jack had told them to do. Was this really a custom on some other world?

'They should be so lucky,' Jack said, grinning. 'It's not often they'll get such a good view. Kind of a shame it never really took off as a thing elsewhere in the universe. Maybe we could start a new trend.'

'I don't think it'll catch on,' Ianto replied.

'More's the pity. Right, here they come,' he said, watching as the red and white lights appeared in the sky over their heads. 'Bottoms up, people!' Jack swept the back of his coat to one side and bent over, sticking his arse in the air.

Ianto, Gwen and Tosh all looked at one another before following his lead, bending over.

'The universe is fucking mental,' Owen said.

'Shut up and bend over!' Jack yelled at him. 'It's not often I get to say that.'

'Depends on who you are,' Owen heard Ianto mutter.

Owen groaned but eventually complied.

'I suppose we should be grateful bending over is all we have to do,' Tosh said, feeling blood rushing into her head.

'I'm really glad that Rhys isn't here to see this,' Gwen added.

'Wasn't how I imagined greeting extraterrestrial life,' Ianto added. 'Less ET and more S and M.'

'Oh, you wanna travel to Edrax Nine, then,' Jack said, enjoying the giddy feeling of blood pounding in his head. 'It's not hands they shake when they meet you there.'

'Harkness, if I get probed by something while I'm stood like this, baring my arse to the world...' Owen warned.

'Please,' Jack scoffed. 'In a race of fine looking buttocks, you're coming in fifth place.'

'Well, I hope for all our sakes, you've ranked yourself first,' Ianto replied. 'I'd rather risk a cultural faux pas.'

'You're running a very close second,' Jack assured him.

'Always wanted to be a diplomat.'

Jack laughed. 'With an arse like that you can go anywhere.'

Comments

[bk_forever]

So, alien people are from a moon, right? ;)

I'd love to see what happens when the visitors land!

[jo02]

I was going to say something clever but basically, badly-knitted wins the prize :)