Torchwood: Fanfic: Now or never

[m_findlow]

Title: Now or never
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters: Ianto
Author: m_findlow
Rating: PG
Length: 775 words
Content notes: Warning for major character death.
Author notes: Written for m_findlow's prompt "Any, any, the L word" at fic_promptly
Summary: Ianto has run out of time to say anything more.

Ianto hadn't thought he'd be afraid of death. He'd always assumed that when it finally came to collect him that he'd laugh and find it terribly ironic. Now that it was here, he was terrified.

It couldn't end today; he wasn't ready. There were so many things he hadn't done, places to see, adventures hadn't yet had. He'd always known it would come for him, much earlier than was considered acceptable, but that was just the job. It was dangerous, and every day could be your last, no matter how careful you were, but this was not the day he wanted it all to end. There was too much at stake. Too many people were relying on him to get the job done and save the world.

He'd meant what he'd said when he threatened the creature. Better that he sacrifice himself to stop it than to let it take all those children. Now however the shoe was on the other foot. It was prepared to kill anything that stood in its way, and right now that meant him.

What was on the other side of death? Was it all bright lights and pearly gates like he wanted to believe - that there was some benevolent God up there that would take care of him? Or was it like Owen had said, just a nothing. Would he even know if it was nothing, or would he simply cease to exist in any form? It didn't bear thinking about, that there was nothing. He felt anxious and sick at the idea that there'd be nothing to feel anxious and sick about.

And then there was Jack, hovering over him. Oh God, no. No, he couldn't die now. He couldn't leave Jack behind to suffer through the rest of his life alone. He'd been such a stupid, bloody idiot, skirting around the fact that he adored Jack with every fibre of his being and that now he'd never even know it.

Hadn't he lied to his sister as well, saying he didn't know what it was and pleading her not to broadcast it to all the world? He knew what Jack meant to him. God, even Rhi knew about it now. He might have plucked up the courage to bring Jack around to meet right. "Hi Rhi, this is Jack. He's my," what? Lover, boyfriend, soul mate? None of those sounded right. Not that any of it mattered now. They were never going to meet. Somehow that upset him more than anything. He was never going to get the chance to silence all of his sister's blatant mocking, bringing home his film star handsome lover. That would wipe the smug grin off her face, seeing Jack latched onto his arm.

Jack. He could barely look him in the eye. Oh God, he was crying. No, please don't cry. I'm sorry. I should have been more careful. This is all my fault.

'I love you.' Why had he never said it before? He'd thought it a hundred times over. Probably more.

'Don't.' Jack could barely force the word out.

Why not? Ianto wanted to argue. He'd refrained from using the L word for so long. He hadn't thought this thing with Jack would last, but the longer it went on, the more time they spent together, the more Ianto realised just how empty his life was without Jack in it. There was no point in denying any of it now. He'd already confessed it to his sister. If anything that made it all the more important. It wasn't fair that Jack should be the last to know, even if this was their last few moments together.

Life was cruel, he realised. It always took away the things that you loved the most. He'd lost so much already, his dad, his mum, Lisa, Owen and Tosh. And now he was going to lose Jack, and Jack was going to lose him. They'd suffered so much, didn't they deserve just a little bit of happiness? He hadn't even expected to find live again after Lisa but somehow Jack had gotten under his skin, until he couldn't take it anymore and he just had to know what it felt like to kiss him. He'd never felt so alive as when he was right there with Jack in the moment, and now all of that life couldn't save him from his fate.

At least Jack was here, though. He might be afraid, but he wouldn't be alone. Jack would be there with him, right until the end. He loved him so much, even if Jack couldn't bring himself to say the words back.

Comments

[bk_forever]

*wibble* This is just heartbreaking =(

[m-findlow.livejournal.com]

It's just the most awful moment. :(