Torchwood: Fanfic: Driven mad

[m_findlow]

Title: Driven mad
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters: Ianto, Rhiannon, Johnny, David, Mica
Author: m_findlow
Rating: M (language)
Length: 2,474 words
Content notes: none
Author notes: Written for m_findlow's prompt "Any, any, stolen" at fic_promptly
Summary: Ianto should have known dinner with his family would be anything but smooth sailing.

'Three weeks in a row,' Rhiannon observed. 'This must be like a world record for you,' she said, smirking over her glass of water. 'For the kids it's almost like having a real uncle come round for tea.'

'Har har,' Ianto replied. 'You know what my jobs's like. Can't you just be grateful I'm here?'

'Oh, I am. Still, you could have brought around that Jack of yours.'

He sighed, setting down his knife and fork. 'Don't start on me again.'

'We've never even met him, Ianto. How long's it been now?'

'Fair play, mate,' Johnny added. 'Cat out of the bag and all. No reason not to bring him over.'

'I wouldn't want to make you feel inadequate,' Ianto teased, at which Johnny burst out laughing.

'You think I'm worried about some flashy centerfold?' Ianto blushed at that. Having Jack described as a film star was one thing but as a centerfold image in a naughty magazine? As if his ego needed any more inflating.

'Maybe next time,' he promised, hoping they'd forget by then, or that he might happen to forget to mention it to Jack who was equally keen to meet Ianto's family.

Outside on the streets, hemmed in tightly by cheap pre-fabricated housing estates came the sound of a whooping alarm.

'Ah, the dulcet tones of the nightly car theft,' Rhiannon sighed, hearing the faint sound blaring in the distance.

'Such a nice neighbourhood,' Ianto quipped, helping himself to a second scoop of her famous cheesy potato gratin. 'I can see why you'd never want to move.' Not for his lack of trying to convince her to move, offering to lend her some money towards a house in a nicer suburb where the kids might be able to play in parks not covered in graffiti and cigarette butts.

'That’s not your car going off, is it mate?' Johnny asked

Ianto shook his head. 'Nope.' In truth, the alarm did sound a lot like the SUV, but then didn't they all really sound pretty much the same? After last time the car had been stolen he’d double and triple checked. The SUV was an impregnable beast of a car and no little estate scumbag was going to get their paws on his car. Not this time. Last time they'd just gotten lucky, that was all. That was why he’d taken the SUV. His own Audi would have been fair he game around here - definitely nicer than anything locals around here would drive - but they would have a real challenge on their hands if they thought they could nick the Torchwood SUV. Once bitten twice shy. He almost dared them to try it.

The sound of the alarm came to a stop, and satisfied that the thieves had made their exit from the neighborhood they went back to finishing dinner, and all talk of inviting Jack over next time had been gratefully diverted by the crimes occurring outside.

All in all it hadn't been a bad night, Ianto had to admit. He'd been fed a real meal that didn't consist of MSG or come in a polystyrene container, managed to be thoroughly beaten at video games which made his nephew very happy, and helped colour in with his niece, which apparently didn't require him to keep within the lines or use any colours that might reflect actual reality. Such a complete lack of restrictions was almost more than he could fathom in this newfound freedom.

Rhiannon gave her brother a hug despite his squirming protests. 'Bring your boss next time, yeah?'

'Inflict my family on him?' he said, avoiding answering either a straight yes or no. He didn't half wonder if maybe the opposite was true and that he was sparing them from having Jack inflicted on them. Lord knew there were days when he could hardly cope with Jack.

'I'll keep nagging until you do,' she warned him.

'Of that I've no doubt whatsoever.'

'Bye, Uncle Ianto!' Mica said, wrapping herself around his leg. He patted her awkwardly on the head and then did the same for David, only ruffling his hair a bit instead. He pushed open the door and gazed down the narrow front yard to the street. Where before there'd been the SUV, big and imposing as it hugged the kerb, now there was nothing. He jogged out of the house and stared both up and down the street, but the SUV was gone.

'Oh, you can’t be fucking serious!'

'Oi, language you!' Rhiannon scolded him.

Johnny came up behind him and hawed quietly. 'I warned you, mate. Car like that on an estate like this.'

'Are you going to be in deep shit, Uncle Ianto?'

'David!' Rhiannon hissed, covering Mica’s ears. 'You do not use language like that, d’you hear me?'

'Not even if Uncle Ianto does?'

She scowled at Ianto rather than David. 'Especially not if my idiotic brother does it!'

Ianto ran a hand through his hair, feeling a rising panic. He wasn’t just going to be in deep shit. He was going to be buried six feet under all that deep shit when Jack found out. Of all the ways he thought his tenure at Torchwood might end, being on the receiving end of murder by Jack was not even in his top ten.

Ianto went and stood in the empty space where the SUV had been parked not three hours ago, still unable to fathom that it was gone. It simply couldn’t be.

'Bet that car alarm we heard was yours,' Johnny said, shoving his hands deep into his pockets. 'Mind you, round here they all start to sound alike after a while. Takes a real good ear to pick out a Vauxhall from a Volvo.'

'It’s...' Ianto stuttered '...just not possible!'

Johnny clapped him disconsolately on the shoulder as they stood in the middle of the street, devoid of vehicles except for old rusted out sedans and filthy panel vans. 'Aye, those little buggers know every make and model, Iant. Know every trick in the book for getting them unlocked.'

'It’s custom made,' he said, his voice bristling with anger. 'There isn’t another car in world like it. Triple deadlock. Biometric driver protocols. Automatic anti-theft disabler.' Not to mention all the other bells and whistles tucked under the hood.

'Ah, see,' Johnny began, 'there’s your problem. You’ve underestimated the ingenuity and determination of your average Welsh grifter. They’ll take anything that’s not nailed down. Why’d you think we drive that heap of junk?' he said, thumbing back over his shoulder at the plain looking fawn coloured sedan. 'Nobody’s going to be arsed lifting that. Big expensive car like yours though, that’s like bloody Christmas round here.'

Oh fuck. Oh fuck, fuck, fuck! He was so dead. So very, very dead. Last time he’d gotten away with it, world ending and all. But this time? He’d be lucky if the rift decided to drop a toaster on them that might seek to distract Jack from his ire that some little shit somewhere was taking his precious SUV for a joyride.

Rhiannon came up to stand beside him. 'D’you want we should call you a taxi? Or you can crash here tonight if you want. We can drop you off when I do the school run tomorrow. Only,' she said, pausing momentarily, 'if your boss comes knocking on our door before that I'm not going to lie and say you’re not here.'

'Gee, thanks.' It was comforting to know that his sister would give him up in a heartbeat. Mind you, even if she said she’d never give him up, one look at Jack and that smile of his and she’d be putty in his hands. She’d probably volunteer to help dig the hole they’d bury his body in.

'Aye, but how’s he going to turn up here, Rhi?' Johnny asked. 'He’s got no bloody car!' Johnny seemed to find that endlessly amusing. As if not having a set of wheels was going to stop Jack.

Call a taxi. The brainwave hit Ianto hard. Of course! His phone! He had a tracking app on his phone for the SUV. He could find out where it was right now and go get it. How he’d get it back was another matter. Against a mob of unruly teenagers who might be carrying knives or worse he didn’t stand much of a chance. Please God don't let them find my gun in the glovebox, he prayed. If only he’d remembered to return it to the armoury before he’d left.

He pulled his phone out and made the call, giving them his sister's address.

Rhiannon reached for his arm. 'You're not going to do anything stupid, are you?'

If by stupid she meant fronting up to the hub and telling Jack he'd taken the SUV into a not so great part of the city and had it stolen right out from under him whilst he was enjoying roast chicken and lemon cheesecake, then no, he wasn't doing anything stupid at all. He'd get that bloody car back if it killed him, and it might yet still, he realised. 'No. I won't do anything stupid. I promise.'

The taxi arrived about ten minutes later. His sister had already corralled both his niece and nephew back inside, charging Johnny with getting them into bed. No doubt he and David were discussing just how much shit he was in and how many pieces they might find his body in, assuming his body turned up at all.

'You'll be okay, yeah?' Rhiannon asked, suddenly looking worried. 'I mean, it's just a car. You've got insurance and all.'

Ianto nodded, giving her a reassuring look. 'Yeah. Jack was totally fine with it last time it happened.' Truthfully, he hadn't gotten past the words "you what?" but he'd liked to think that Jack's next words might have been "No, it's fine, really" and "I'm just glad you're okay". Self delusion was a wonderful thing.

'Okay, well just call me if you need anything. Oh, except for tomorrow afternoon. Shona and I have that baby shower to go to. And Saturday is football practice for David, so that's no good either.'

Ianto bit down on any acerbic response. 'I'll make a note of it.'

As soon as he was in the taxi and it a was pulling away, he tugged his phone back out of his pocket,

'Where to mate?' asked the driver.

Ianto studied the map and gave the driver very precise directions, carefully following the blinking blue dot the SUV made on his screen, already several suburbs away. Luckily it wasn't moving all that fast and as he gained ground on it, it came to a complete stop in a residential street. He ordered the taxi driver to pull up a good few blocks away so that he didn’t arouse suspicion by suddenly rolling up beside the SUV and its gang of miscreants. Fortunately it appeared to be parked for the moment. Perhaps they’d gone inside the grubby flat it was parked just outside, in which case he might be able to steal it back and drive off before they even knew what had happened. Alternatively they might still be in it, trying to decide where they should go next and which Welsh valley they might dump it in once they’d had their fun.

As he walked slowly up to the vehicle, keeping himself to the shadows he saw a pale arm dangling from out of the passenger window. Bollocks. They were still inside. Now what?

He waited and watched for a while, trying to figure out his next move. If he’d been brave, he’d have called for backup. Gwen could have been here with two guns and they could have taken the car by force. That would however, mean fessing up to having lost the SUV in the first place.

He couldn’t see any movement inside the car, the windows being far too darkly tinted to make out the interior, made worse by the fact that it was night time. Curiously though, the arm of the front passenger didn’t move an inch the entire time he watched them. It wasn’t exactly a warm night by any stretch, and he’d yet to meet someone under twenty five who could stay still that long.

Taking a chance, he slowly crept towards the car, keeping low. He bent down by the rear of the car, listening hard for the sound of voices coming from within. Instead there was silence. Emboldened by the lack of activity, he chanced walking along the street, pretending he was just passing by, maybe giving a surreptitious look at the car as he floated by. After all, any bloke would stop to admire a car like that.

As he sidled past, keeping his hands in his pockets so as to look as unthreatening as possible, something curious caught his eye. The passenger with the dangling arm appeared to be asleep. When he looked closer, so did the driver. He leaned in the window a little bit and saw three more in the back also seemingly out of it.

Were they homeless? Stoned? He cast a careful eye around before spotting a blister pack of tablets lying in the lap of the driver.

'Oh, there is a God up there that loves you,' he muttered to himself. Not only had they knicked the car, but then proceeded to rifle through the glovebox, looking for anything else of value. What they’d found was what they must have presumed were drugs. Judging by the empty blister pack, they’d helped themselves to two or three each. What they didn’t know was that they’d taken retcon, and were now sleeping off the effects of about four days worth of memories. If that wasn’t karma, he didn’t know what was.

'Serves you bloody right, you little bastards,' he said, thrusting open the passenger door and hauling the first youth out of the seat, dumping him on the footpath. The other three, plus the driver, followed in quick succession, and soon they were all piled up against one another, making a pathetic huddle next to a wheelie bin. He was so irate with them by the end of it that he discounted leaving them a blanket for the night. Checking that everything else was still accounted for, including his gun and equipment stored in the boot, he slid back into the driver’s side and slammed the door shut. Revving the engine, he pulled away and hit the pedal, leaving his car-jacking thieves behind and thanking his lucky stars that they were as stupid as they were brazen.

Next time I go over to Rhiannon’s for tea, I’m going to leave a bloody weevil in the back, he promised. If that didn’t deter them from knicking his car, nothing would.

Comments

[mscatmoon.livejournal.com]

Close call! Ianto really lucked out. Jack would NOT have been pleased.

[bk_forever]

ROFL! That is just perfect! The car thieves got their just desserts. Wonder what they'll think when they wake up in a heap on the pavement...

Maybe Ianto should get cheap hunk of junk for trips to visit his sister, something no self-respecting car thief would look at twice. After all, Torchwood should have a nondescript car for surveillance purposes.

[m-findlow.livejournal.com]

I think Ianto will be using taxis from now on. A few quid would be worth it to be spared murder by Jack.