m_findlow

Title: Resting in peace
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters: Jack, Ianto
Author: m_findlow
Rating: PG
Length: 2,069 words
Content notes: none
Author notes: Written for Challenge 13 - Red Hot Chili Peppers Song Titles (Death of a Martian) at ficlet_zone
Summary: Jack is all about giving Ianto new experiences whilst also fulfilling their Torchwood duties.

'I don't mind telling you I'm finding all of this a bit weird,' Ianto confessed, tugging nervously at the cuffs of his suit jacket and trying not to let his eyes wander too much. It wasn't that he wasn't accustomed to seeing aliens, what with the job he did and all, but seeing more than one or two at a time was rare. Seeing several hundred of all different species gathered together in the one spot was quite something else.

At least this was one occasion where he wasn't the one responsible for seeing to their every need. Today it was someone else's turn to serve him substandard drinks and what counted for nibbles around these parts. Getting out of the hub was a perk, too. In fact, Jack had done one better this time and brought him all the way out to a hyperspace cruiser just on the edge of their solar system. It was hard to tell he was in space though. It felt more like a fancy hotel reception, decked out in that same formal, yet slightly understated, grandeur that was the hallmark of any good function room or hotel.

All around the room were hung long black banners. On each was a symbol of a triangle overlaid with a lightning bolt with an artificial red burning sun at its centre. They gave the room a slightly ominous feel, however it was nothing compared to the centerpiece right at the very heart of the room. On a large stone platform was a huge block of ice which glinted in the light, and which was partly encased by a much larger crystal spire that rose fifteen feet into the air. Even despite the crowds, it towered over everything else and could been seen no matter where in the room they were stood. Considering this was meant to be a funeral, it didn't feel at all like what he'd expected, but then again, he'd never given much thought to how other alien races consecrated their dead. Only Jack's earlier comment of "can you say pretentious, much?" muttered under his breath, gave away any indication that this was not how it was normally done.

Jack seemed nonplussed by the event, dressed as ever in his military greatcoat, though underneath it he had his vest and silver pocket watch. 'I find it helps if you just pretend this is like one of those things - weddings, communions, bar mitzvahs - where you have all your distant relatives turn up that you see like once every ten years and then promptly forget about them,' Jack replied.

'Jack, you don't have any distant relatives, and I'm pretty sure you haven't been to very many bar mitzvahs.'

'Oh, but weddings,' Jack said, grinning, 'I've been to loads of those.'

'And crashed more than your share,' Ianto quipped.

'Never going to let me live that down are you?' he said. 'I didn't hear Gwen complaining.'

'Must've had your hearing aid switched off.' She hadn't just been mad, she'd been bloody livid. Her and Rhys both.

Jack scanned the room, picking up two glasses of water from a passing waiter and handing one to Ianto. 'I must say, they've pulled quite the crowd.'

Ianto followed Jack's line of sight from Sontarans to Gell, Cat People, Cyberians and many more he didn't even have names for. Even those that would normally be at each other's throats were conversing in a friendly manner. 'I'm still not sure why we're here,' he said, sipping his water. 'It's not like we knew him, her, it.' He covered all bases since it still wasn't clear if Martians had genders.

Jack slipped his free hand deep into his pocket. 'Think of it like a gathering of the United Nations. Imagine they're all there to agree on a worldwide nuclear disarmament and the British PM decides not to show up.'

'That wouldn't look good.'

'No, it wouldn't,' Jack agreed. 'And if you were some other country's leader, wouldn't you start to wonder why? Are they against nuclear disarmament? Are they instead planning some kind of war against another country? It's not the people in the room you need to worry about. It's always the ones that aren't there that deserve your full attention.'

'So, this is like the UN?' He had to admit it did feel rather ambassadorial with that sheer number of species represented in the room.

'Sort of. We're here to represent Earth, and given we're the closest neighbours to Mars, it would be politically very bad if we didn't make an appearance. A Martian funeral is a big deal around this part of the universe.'

Ianto thought about this for a minute. 'So, how come then this is the first I'm hearing about us having political ties with Mars?' Up until two days ago he hadn't ever really put two and two together that there were Martians on Mars and that it wasn't just some old Torchwood officer confusing the term Martians with the usual more broadly accepted designation of aliens.

'Short answer. We don't. At least, no more than any other species. Martians are actually very nasty and you want to avoid them at all costs. They live for war, but not like the Sontarans. These guys massacre because they believe themselves to be the most superior beings in the universe. They hate everybody.'

'So, they're like the North Korea?' Ianto ventured, wondering just how far he could take this UN analogy.

'Exactly,' Jack replied. 'Everybody pays them lips service whilst keeping one hand poised over the button that launches their intergalactic ballistic missiles. Only you don't ever want to be in a war with them. They're strong and powerful. They can wipe any race off the face of their planet with hardly any casualties on their own side. They're called Ice Warriors for a reason. Icy by nature, warriors to the core.' Jack chuckled. 'Hard to believe that once upon a time they used to be peaceful. Now they're all "eye for an eye" and all that shtick. Attempted a few takeovers of Earth along the way, not that any of them were successful, thankfully.'

'They must have been having a bad day that day,' Ianto observed.

'Oh no. It was old "you know who" that stopped them,' he replied, tapping his nose conspiratorially.' Speaking of, curious he's not here,' Jack added, casting a look around the large room. 'Guess old Grand Marshall Klaxxl and he never crossed paths. Interesting though how they've gone with the more religious affair for the event. The whole ice coffin thing was trendy for a while, but usually it's a big cremation ceremony. Kind of ironic considering it's the heat that kills them the most. He must have a point to prove, y'know about how wealthy and prominent he was. When you live on a planet where water is scarce, the more you can flaunt your access to water, or in this case ice, the better.' Jack then gave a shrug. 'That or he's just overcompensating, if you know what I mean.'

Ianto worked his way back through his mental log of the Torchwood database but there was little if any reference to Martians that he could recall, yet Jack seemed to know quite a bit about them. 'So,' he began, 'and forgive me if this is a stupid question, but, if they're Martians, and they presumably come from Mars, why is this the first time I'm hearing about any of this? I assume there's more of them on the planet?' The idea of a whole race of ice warriors on the planet just next door poised to invade their little patch of the galaxy made him nervous. He was beginning to wonder if this wasn't the reason Jack had been happy for him to take over as head of Torchwood's global operations, leaving Ianto carrying the proverbial political can in having to deal with their counterparts across the universe. What sort of treaty talks had occurred between Earth and Mars, he wondered, if any. Were they safe? Did they need to extend some kind of intergalactic olive branch? And why the hell didn't Jack ever tell him these things?

'Not on Mars itself,' Jack replied, temporarily reassuring him. 'Not enough atmosphere left on the planet for them to survive. Most of them are in stasis up on Deimos, one of Mars' moons. Only a few of them are awake and still kicking around the galaxy. You'd think they'd be all about terraforming some other planet and kickstarting their race again but doesn't seem like they're all that interested. Still, I suppose it makes this little corner of the galaxy a little less volatile.'

'So, all those NASA missions to Mars to find evidence of life and they didn't find the slightest clue? Not one piece of alien infrastructure? One abandoned spaceship? A few Martian burial sites full of enormous crystal coffins?'

Jack gave him a coy smile. 'I may have interfered a little bit with the data streams their equipment was transmitting back. The twenty-first century isn't quite that ready yet. Still, about thirty years from now you guys will succeed in your very first colonization of the planet.' He chuckled. 'Who'd have thunk? Humans living on Mars. Martian Earthlings.'

'We're going to be living on Mars?'

'You betcha. Well, maybe not you personally, but tens of thousands of people. Up to three hundred thousand at one time.'

'And no fallout from the Martians? I assume they didn't mean to abandon the planet entirely.'

'Oh, loads,' Jack said, leaning across and reaching for food from the table behind Ianto, shoving something of indeterminate origin into his mouth. 'Some Lord Whatsit or other got real peeved at one point and sent his army back there to terraform the planet back again and wipe out every last human on it, before hopping over to Earth to do the same.'

'I'm guessing that was the end of human colonization on Mars?'

'Nope. Somehow you guys won. Never did find out how. Oh, well. Guess it just goes to show you can get lucky sometimes.'

Ianto cast another glance around the room of bored looking individuals, chatting quietly in pairs around the room. 'And so who put on all of this?' he asked, gesturing around the room. It was very elegant for what seemed to be a fairly brutal race of beings. If they hated everyone so much and liked to make war, then having such a lovely venue for one of their own funerals felt a bit like a slap in the face of all they stood for. Perhaps this was someone's idea of a joke, or some last hurrah against a species that no one in the universe particularly liked. Even so, given their own proximity to Mars he felt it was a bit risky and in poor taste.

'Old Grand Marshall Klaxxl would have had it all pre-arranged,' Jack replied, tipping a hand to a passing Voranian he must have crossed paths with as it sauntered through the mingling crowd towards a four foot high arrangement of food. 'It's a bit like having a state funeral. And for all their warlike tendencies, they do take pride in the aesthetic side of things. He wanted to make sure people knew he was a big deal.'

'Seems kind of ironic.'

'Doesn't it? But Martians don't do irony. They don't even do humour. I once heard a Martian joke, or maybe it was a joke about Martians. Either way, it wasn't funny. So, now that you've had an induction into the political landscape, wanna go and see real thing up close? Probably the only time you'll get within three feet of a Martian without it blowing your head off with one of its sonic cannons.'

Ianto felt the insistent pull of Jack's hand as it wrapped around his wrist, leading him through the crowd. 'Just so long as we're only looking and paying our respects. I don't want to find out that they've decided to invade Earth because you wanted to pose for a photo with the coffin and stick it on Instagram.'

'Don't worry,' Jack promised. 'They tried it in the sixties and now they know better than to mess with me.'

'How very reassuring.' From now on though he was going to keep a much closer eye on their planetary neighours. Just in case.