m_findlow

Title: New fangled technology
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters: Jack
Author: m_findlow
Rating: PG
Length: 1,105 words
Content notes: none
Author notes: Written for badly_knitted's prompt "Any, any, Shiny and new" at fic_promptly
Summary: Jack's new toy is proving more vexing than anticipated.

Jack beamed with pride as he lugged the heavy item out of its shipping crate, heaving out a breath as he was able to finally set it on the bench top. Now that was a sight to behold, he decided, admiring the way it gleamed, all shiny and new. For years he'd been nagging Alex to fork out for a decent coffee machine so that they could finally put an end to that awful, and seemingly bottomless, jar of instant coffee. It glared balefully at him every time he walked in there, holding his paper takeaway cup that he'd brought in from the café just up the street. It challenged him and Jack could hear its snarky voice saying "another store bought coffee? I'm not good enough for you, huh? Think drinking me is gonna kill you?"

"You got that right," Jack would mentally reply, cringing each time one of the team brushed past him with their mug, tipping a spoonful or two of that foul substance into their mug before flipping on the kettle. There was something very wrong about the fact that no one else seemed to mind the instant coffee, and Alex would drink nothing else. It was vile, horrible stuff, and if Jack didn't know better he might have said it was alien but for the fact that no self-respecting creature from another planet would ever subject themselves to such appalling muck.

Jack ran a slow hand over the top of his latest present to himself. It was beautiful, state of the art, and hideously expensive given it was restaurant quality, but it was going to be worth every last penny. The machine was a work of art, over two feet long and almost as wide. It had a large unit on top where fresh coffee beans could be ground down, two different water spouts, each with dual tips that could pour four cups at a time, or two double shots. There were a dozen buttons and dials across the top panel and at the side was a separate nozzle for steaming milk, giving each and every cup that barrista style froth on top. It looked like it belonged in some huge Italian restaurant, producing a hundred cups of caffeinated perfection a hour. For now though, it only had one master it needed to serve - him.

He ran the cord along the wall, plugging it in before pulling away the plastic coating that covered the front to prevent it from getting scratched during transit. It was still a little bit wobbly on the old bench top, so he grabbed the first thing that came to hand, the instruction manual, and shoved it under the back corner of the unit, shoring it up just so. In a separate box, he'd already ordered beans ready to go the minute it arrived.

He opened the lid on the top of the grinder and tipped them in, relishing the sound of them hitting the metal funnel and making their way inside. Soon he'd be able to smell that wondrous scent of freshly ground beans. It was the aroma he loved most as he waited at his local café in the morning, or any he happened to pass as he went about his day. The actual grinding of the beans and the scent they gave off was so visceral and mouthwatering he could have just sat there all day. There was a second inlet on the machine for water, and a separate jug for heating the milk. He prepared them all for the grand moment.

He studied the buttons before slipping his cup under the first spout. He loosened the doohickey where he'd need to put the coffee grounds in and readied it in his hand. Now he just needed the coffee. He flicked on the first button, hearing a whirring as the machine went to work, pummeling its first ever beans. Somewhere, the product of its hard work had to come out and Jack waited patiently to see what happened next. The grinding stopped but there was no coffee to be found. He pressed the button again, and it went to work, more beans from the top feeder disappearing inside. Where was his coffee? He pressed a few more buttons, wondering if one of them might release it somewhere, but all he managed was to send water running out of one spout into his mug, and a second to go shooting out of the steamer nozzle, striking his hand.

'Ow!' he cried, pulling away as it spewed furious steam. He jabbed a few buttons until it finally stopped, but not until his mug was overflowing with hot water, but still no coffee. He frowned at it, trying to figure it out, but all of the inner workings were hidden away behind the polished steel and laminate casing. It couldn't be that hard. If a half hungover uni student on minimum wage could operate one, surely he could as well. After all he could pull apart a Chula warship and put it back together, having it running better than it had been before he'd taken it to pieces. This was just a stupid coffee machine. Twentieth century technology. It should be a cinch.

He twiddled dials and pressed buttons again, but no combination of things seemed to work, and he still couldn't fathom where his coffee beans were disappearing to. It was thoroughly vexing that he, Jack Harkness, fifty-first century, ex-Time Agent, companion of the Doctor, and head of Torchwood Three, couldn't figure it out. It must be because it's Italian, Jack surmised. They always made things backwards, counterintuitive or just plain lazy. If it had been German, the thing probably would have plugged itself in and told him to sit back and relax whilst it fixed him a cup.

His gaze fell upon the abandoned jar of instant coffee, still sitting just where it had been on New Years Eve all those months ago, gathering dust. He could hear it mocking him. "Thought you'd get rid of me, huh? No chance. Just you and me now, pal. Just you and me for the next, oh, I don't know, let's say hundred years."

Jack was about to give the machine another go when his wrist strap beeped angrily at him, announcing trouble with the rift. He grabbed his coat from where it was slung over the railing and tugged it on, feeling annoyed on multiple fronts. 'You and I aren't finished here yet,' he threatened his new pride and joy. 'When I get back you and I are going to get to know one another intimately.'