Torchwood: Fanfic: The pain of loss

[m_findlow]

Title: The pain of loss
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters: Ianto, Gwen, Jack
Author: m_findlow
Rating: PG
Length: 3,379 words
Content notes: none
Author notes: Written for badly_knitted's prompt "Any, any, tired of being hurt" at fic_promptly
Summary: The weight of so much loss is beginning to make itself known.

The lights of the car in front flashed big and red. It was all Gwen could do to slam on the brakes at the very last second to prevent them colliding at speed. Even then, she only just managed it. If the horn blaring behind her as the vehicle swung around them, speeding past was anything to go by, they were very lucky indeed not to have been sandwiched.

'Jesus Christ,' she swore, still stopped in the middle of the motorway as more cars tooted and screamed past them. She was mad at herself for being so distracted that she hadn't noticed her car creeping closer and close to the tail of the one in front. In fact, she couldn't consciously remember any of the last twenty minute drive. She'd been practically asleep at the wheel.

'Ianto, why the hell didn't you warn me!' she said, turning to face him.

He'd gripped the side of the door rather tightly and hadn't yet let go. 'I didn't notice. I'm sorry. I think I must have dozed off.'

She looked at him again and noticed that he looked just as tired as she felt. 'It's okay,' she said, apologising for the outburst. 'I should have been paying better attention.'

'We should probably move,' Ianto said, worried that someone else might not be paying attention either and run straight into the back of them.

'Yeah,' Gwen agreed, easing the car back into the stream of traffic that flowed around them. The sooner they got their rift retrieval back to the hub, the sooner she could go home and collapse on the sofa. They'd been stretched so thin these past few months, just the three of them, trying to do the job of five people.

'Can I drop you back at the hub with this?' she asked, knowing that a disused baby bassinet wasn't going to require both of them to process it for its eventual burial in the archives. Fortunately there'd been not accompanying baby that went with it. Probably stolen by the rift from someone's garage. 'I don't think Jack will mind if I head straight home. I don't think we're going to be under threat from this.'

'No,' Ianto said, and it took Gwen a moment to process the response.

'What do you mean no?'

'I can't go back there.'

'What are you talking about?'

'I can't spend another night there. I just can't.' She was taken aback by the sudden conviction in his voice and the frantic desperation. He looked like a rabbit cornered by a fox. What had happened between Ianto and Jack that she'd missed? It could have been anything, she realised, having barely been able to stay focused on what was directly in front of her. 'Okay,' she said slowly. 'Where do you want to go then? Home?'

Ianto shook his head. 'No, he'll find me there.'

Bloody hell, Gwen thought. What on earth was going on? 'Where then?'

'Just drop me off somewhere. Doesn't matter. Anywhere.'

'Ianto, you're not making any sense. You can't just not go home. You're exhausted. You need to sleep.'

'I'll find a hotel or something.'

'You can come home with me, then. I'm not having you wandering the streets.' He didn't say anything in response. It was almost as if she could sense he was too tired to fight her. It was lucky because she was too tired to argue back, and maybe that was the problem. The baby bassinet in her car boot could wait until tomorrow.

When she walked through the door, Rhys was there, waiting for her

'Hello, love,' he greeted with a smile and a kiss on the cheek, before spotting Ianto standing behind her. 'Oh. Not staying, then,' he surmised. From his tone he thought it was clearly going to be one of those nights. It was always one or the other of Jack or Ianto, standing just a few feet behind her, making sure Gwen didn't dawdle and waste time on the niceties with her husband. They had a job to do and Rhys making dinner didn't usually factor into the schedule.

'Actually,' Gwen said, 'Ianto is staying with us.'

'Oh.' He took one look at both of them and decided not to argue. Gwen figured it must have looked like they'd had the day from hell, but then again, there'd been a lot of those lately. 'Right-o. Um, well tea's on. If I'd know you were coming I'd have put on extra,' Rhys said.

'That's okay,' Ianto replied. 'I'm not hungry.' Rhys gave Gwen a look that said he got the distinct impression that Ianto wasn't here by choice and that Ianto was just looking for an opening to leave.

'Me either,' Gwen replied, settling the matter, though she sounded genuine.

'Don't be stupid,' Rhys said. 'When was the last time either of you had a proper meal? I'll put on extra beans and carrots. Shouldn't be too long.'

'I don't think I've ever seen two people so enthused at eating sausages and mash,' Rhys said, watching as the pair of them ate with such a focused intensity. Especially when they both claim not to be hungry. He wasn't even sure they'd heard his comment, reacting not at all to it. For two people who'd claimed they weren't hungry they'd certainly rediscovered their appetites, all their remaining energy channeled into that one action, eyes fixed down st the table and the plate in front of them.

'Long day?' he asked, trying to elicit a response. No one had as yet explained to him why Ianto was staying here. Rhys just assumed he and Jack must have had a row of some sort. He tried to look across at Gwen with his questioning expression but she gave him new back as if she had no idea either, but that Rhys should keep his mouth shut for that time being. So that's what he did.

As Rhys began clearing away the dishes, setting them in the dishwasher, Gwen and Ianto took up a spot on the sofa.

'I feel like I could stay right here and sleep for a week,' she said, leaning against his side.

'Me too.' He wanted to grab the blanket Gwen has left folded on the end of the sofa for him and curl up under it. What spare time he'd had lately had been used for showering and putting on clean clothes. At least if he was going to drop dead of exhaustion, he'd be semi clean and presentable when they came to pick up his body.

They sat there in silence for a few minutes until Gwen finally spoke. 'Now are you going to tell me what's going on with you and Jack?' she asked. 'There's no other reason why you'd suddenly want to give the hub a wide berth.'

He sighed heavily next to her. It felt stupid. 'I'm just too tired to deal with him. I can't keep doing this.'

'What happened?'

He sighed again, leaning his head back against the sofa. 'Nothing. That's the whole point.' He rubbed a hand over his face. 'I thought it was bad before, when he wouldn't even speak to us after what happened, but now he's all chirpy and smiles. It's like he's forgotten, or just wants to pretend it never happened. All he wants is to laugh and joke and shag all night, and I can't keep doing this every day. It's hard enough just to keep going and not think about them not being here. I don't have any energy left for being happy.'

Things had been so much easier when Jack had been lost in his own grief. At least he could understand that. This new Jack who was all smiles and laughs wasn't the same one from before. He felt like a stranger.

Gwen leaned closer and placed a hand on his leg. It all made sense now. She'd seen it herself, this change in Jack's demeanor. Tosh and Owen's deaths had been hard on all of them, but Jack had suffered more than most. She knew it was because he'd watched so many people he cared about die or grow old and leave. He felt responsible for their deaths, and he'd been sullen and distant for a long time afterwards. Gwen had tried to pull him out of his rut, but she also knew he had to process things in his own time. She still had days where she felt herself tearing up at the thought of them being gone, but the majority of her days were simply too busy now for her to have even a single minute for herself.

If she thought about it, there'd been so many signs already. The jokes felt forced, lacking their usual lighthearted air, they were much quicker to snap at each other, grating on nerves, and sometimes they ignored one another altogether, as if they weren't even in the same room. She thought she'd been doing it tough, but seeing Ianto's reaction to having to go back to the hub and face Jack tonight made it clear to her that each of them was being worn by it down more and more. They were at breaking point, stretched so thin that one tiny thing would cause their whole world to snap and descend into chaos.

She'd been happy to see Jack finally coming around out of the darkness, but now hearing it from Ianto, she realised it was a ruse. He hadn't found closure any more than the rest of them. His forced good mood was only serving to put further strain on the one relationship that could help both of them get through this. She had Rhys to hold on to when things were more than she could bear, but she could see now that Ianto needed the same from Jack, only Jack was too oblivious in his own pain. Ianto was hardly an open book, either, keeping his feelings close. It could well be that Jack didn't feel he could confide his own anguish, choosing to brush it aside and force himself back into normality. Or perhaps he thought Ianto had moved on already, and this glossy new attitude was for his benefit.

She wrapped him up in a hug, wishing it could bring even half as much comfort as they same gesture might from Jack. 'He's hurting, too.'

'He's doing a very good job of hiding it, then,' Ianto said, the comment laden with bitterness.

'That's Jack,' she said, nestling her head against his shoulder, refusing to let go. 'Master of secrets. He's probably putting on a brave face for your sake.'

'Well, he shouldn't,' Ianto replied, annoyed. 'I'm not a child.'

'Have you told him that?'

'Countless times,' Ianto quipped.

Gwen startled at the buzzing in her back jeans pocket, pulling out her phone and seeing Jack's name on the screen.

'Leave it,' Ianto said. 'Mine's been ringing nonstop all night.'

Instead she ignored him and answered it. 'No, no, we're fine. Just having dinner at home. Where was your invite?' She make a small laugh at him. 'Sorry, secret employee business. No bosses allowed.' She handed the phone towards Ianto. 'He wants to speak to you.'

'I don't really want to speak to him,' he replied.

'Ianto there's no point in stretching this out any longer. Just talk to him.'

Reluctantly he took the phone. 'Yes, I got your calls. No, I was busy.' Another sigh. 'If the world was ending you'd have called Gwen sooner.'

'I was worried about you.' Those five words hit him hard. He didn't think Jack would care either way. 'I'm fine.'

'When are you coming home?' Five more words that ate away at him.

When you stop pretending the world didn't end the day we lost Tosh and Owen, he wanted to say. He looked across at Gwen and she nodded. He was welcome to stay here but it wasn't going to fix anything. All he was doing was putting off the inevitable. 'Soon,' he said, rubbing his hand through his hair, committing himself to facing up to things.

'Okay, see you soon,' Jack replied. 'I love you,' he added before hanging up.

He wished Jack hadn't said that. He still felt stupid having blurted out the words in Thames House. If he'd known he was going to survive, he'd never have said it. Jack didn't do love. Need yes, but not love. He was only saying it because Ianto had already done so. It was just more chirpy lip service.

Ianto handed her back the phone. 'Looks like I'm going back.' The way he said it made it sound like he was facing a firing squad. She could see that this weighed more heavily on him that any kind of tiredness from what kept them chasing their tails all day every day. They both had to stop trying to be strong for each other and realise how much it was killing them to do so.

'Are you sure about this?' Gwen asked, sitting in the driver's seat, just outside the Plass.

'I don't see what choice I have.'

'Then tell him what you told me. Tell him you appreciate him trying to cheer you up, but that you need more time. We all do. I'm sure it's hard on him too, trying to stay positive for our sakes. He needs us just as much as we need him.'

He fiddled with the seat belt, reluctant to unclip it. 'Sometimes I wonder if that's true.'

She placed her hand back on his leg. 'It is. Maybe he just needs someone else to open up first.'

Ianto toyed with an invisible piece of lint on the leg of his trousers. 'I'm not much of a talker.'

'You'll find a way,' she said.

'Thank for letting me stay, and for dinner.'

'No problem. Any time.'

When he walked in through the cogwheel door, Jack wasn't immediately there waiting for him as expected. Perhaps he'd changed his mind and gone out.

'Ianto, there you are,' Jack said, coming up from behind via one of the many doors that lead to other parts of the hub.

'Here I am,' he said. 'What were you doing?'

Jack shrugged nonchalantly. 'Just feeding the weevils.'

Ianto gave him a skeptical look. 'You were feeding the weevils?'

Jack frowned. 'What's wrong with that?'

'You never feed them.'

'I know. But you weren't here. Someone had to.'

Ianto felt bad that he'd reneged on his duties so easily, not giving a thought to who might do them in his absence. 'Thanks,' he said, though he didn't feel like it came across as sounding grateful.

Jack frowned again. 'What's up? I was calling you all night. Why didn't you just say you were with Gwen? Last I knew you guys were out checking that rift alert.'

'It was nothing important,' Ianto replied. 'Just more junk.'

'I didn't know that, did I? I was waiting for you to get back so we could have some fun tonight. Figured we'd been so busy lately that...'

Ianto lunged forward and grabbed him in a bone shattering hug. He'd had no idea what he could say to Jack that would pull him out of this false good mood but he knew he couldn't stand it a minute longer. He just clung has hard as he possibly could, feeling every emotion spilling out of him like an overflowing dam. He soon found Jack's own arms squeezing his equally tight.

'I can't do this,' Ianto muttered. 'I can't be with you and pretend it's all okay. I miss them too much.'

Jack didn't say anything, but he continued to hold Ianto just as tightly, letting time stretch out before them.

When Ianto finally pulled away, he found Jack's face wet with tears. He went to brush them away with his thumb, but Jack flinched away from the touch.

'I killed them,' Jack whispered. 'They're dead because of me. I can't stop thinking about it. All day and all night, and nothing I do makes it go away. When you and Gwen aren't here, it just makes it worse.'

He sniffed loudly and wiped his nose with his wrist, forcing away the tears with the heel of his palm, trying to pulling himself back together. 'If you need to go, then just go.' It wasn't said with any malice or anger, but rather with a sadness, as if the outcome had been inevitable. It broke Ianto's heart more than anything, as if he too were dead to Jack.

'You want me to go?'

'Yes. No. I don't know. Whatever makes you happy.' He didn't want to admit that he hadn't slept a wink without Ianto there in bed with him. The sex was the closest thing he could get to a distraction, trying everything he could to focus his efforts on pleasuring his lover. He tried hard to relish the physical sensation, a reprieve from wanting to flay the skin right from his bones in his own self loathing.

It was just that much easier for him to pass off all the sleepless nights since he needed less sleep than his twenty-first century teammates. But now even he was beginning to feel the pinch of weariness. The prospect of more nights alone filled him with dread. So many years of long life had slipped by him in the blink of an eye, but the past few weeks and months had dragged on interminably. The fear of having then rest of eternity stretching out in front of him with nothing but more death and loss was more than he could bear.

Ianto reached out and grabbed Jack again, cursing himself for his own selfish stupidity. An hour ago he'd thought being within fifty feet if Jack would be unbearable. He should have known that leaving Jack alone was far worse. Underneath all the smiles and the shameless innuendo, he was still torturing himself.

Ianto could feel Jack's nose nestling in his hair as he pulled him close. 'I'm tired of losing people I care about,' Jack said.

'Me too,' Ianto said, holding him firm.

The comment took Jack by surprise, before he realised that in the short space of Ianto's own life, he'd lost more than his share of friends and family. He tried to remember what it was to be that young and to have suffered so much loss, his own father and brother having haunted his youth, and his brother still haunting him now. He'd punished Jack, but he'd hurt a lot of other people along the way. They didn't deserve it. Only Jack deserved Gray's vengeance.

He'd wanted so much for the others to heal and to keep living their lives, knowing how short they were. He'd tried being positive and upbeat for their sakes, but clearly it wasn't working. There was already so much grief in his heart, he didn't think he could bear to watch it wearing down his lover.

'I didn't want to lose you,' Jack said. 'I thought if I could hold it together, we'd be okay, y'know?'

Ianto felt his own tears welling up at the admission. Only Jack would think to try and put on a brave face for their sakes. Deep down Ianto knew better than to think that Jack was impervious to pain. I wish you had just told me how much it hurt. He'd bottled up so much of his own emotions just to keep pace with Jack. He needed to exorcize it before it killed him from within. He gripped Jack hard and let the tears fall, soaking into the pale blue fabric. Wet drops hit his forehead and he knew they were Jack's tears, started anew. It hurt like hell, all the anguish and grief that poured out of him, but for the first time in a long time, he began to feel like himself again. Despite all the tears, being here with Jack felt right. He needed Jack and Jack needed him. That was how it was supposed to be, how Tosh and Owen would have wanted it. He and Jack needed to do this for them, to keep on living to make up for the lives they'd lost.

Comments

[bk_forever]

*sniffle* Burying grief never helps, just lets it fester. They can't ignore it, they just have to work through it, and it'll be easier if they do that together.