Slashthedrabble Challenge 563 - You'll never know

[m_findlow]

Title: You'll never know
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters: Jack, Ianto
Author: m_findlow
Rating: PG
Length: 500 words
Content notes: none
Author notes: Written for Challenge 563 - Honesty at slashthedrabble
Summary: Ianto shouldn't be surpsised to discover that Jack in a trove of secrets.

It was impossible not to feel like he'd been slapped in the face by Jack's revelations. Part of him was furious but the bigger part of him felt sad and hopeless. Jack's family were being held hostage by the government and there was nothing he could do. If Jack couldn't protect them, what hope did he and Gwen have of making a difference?

He meant what he'd said to Jack. He'd told him everything that mattered in Ianto's often small little world. He didn't have that much to say about himself and his life, but what he did, he shared with Jack. He didn't think anyone would particularly care to hear about his family, how his sister drove him nuts and how he never really got his niece and nephew, but he'd rambled about them endlessly when he least expected to raise it in idle conversation. Jack had never once looked disinterested or bored. He laughed at the inane nature of Ianto's domestic relationships, telling him how lucky he was, even if he didn't think so.

It shouldn't have come as a surprise that Jack kept so many secrets. He'd lived a long time and done a lot of things, not all of which he was proud of, as evidenced by his admission that he'd once sacrificed twelve innocent children in a bargain with the aliens who currently wanted to wipe them off the face of the planet. If he'd known about this earlier he might have said that the bargain sounded too good to be true. Ianto knew all about bullies from his teenage years. They took a little bit at the start, making you think you were no longer indebted to them, but they always returned later, looking for more. These aliens were no different. There was always going to be a bigger price to pay for salvaging the lives of billions of people, and now they'd come back to collect.

Ianto stared at the grimy windows of the warehouse, unable to make out more than a tiny patch of light struggling to force its way inside. Somewhere deep down perhaps he'd always known that Jack was never one hundred percent honest with him. How could you offload that many years of memories and regrets onto any one person? They had enough just between them in their lives together. Three short years overbrimming with things they both wished had never happened, and that they'd probably never share with another living soul.

That was the crux of it, Ianto supposed. Jack was never going to really let him in. He was just a blip in time, a flash in the pan for a man like Jack. He had bigger things to worry about than whether he had a meaningful relationship with someone. Sharing his whole life was just a waste of time. He'd only have to do it all over again. And again and again for the rest of time. No one particular lover mattered enough to tell all.

Comments

[jo02]

Oh dear. Grim but brutally honest.

[m-findlow.livejournal.com]

Yup. I was in a grim but honest mood. I think I wrote it in about ten minutes. Nearly a record.

[bk_forever]

*wibble* I want to hug Ianto, tell hi how much he matters to Jack, but at the same time Jack is going to keep loving and losing for the rest of time. He's already carrying around more baggage than he'd ever want to burden anyone he loved with. =(

[m-findlow.livejournal.com]

It's hard to put yourself in Jack's shoes and understand why he holds himself back, and harder still to live with knowing he does.