Fffc Bingo Card - Nature calls

[m_findlow]

Title: Nature calls 
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters: Ianto, Jack
Author: m_findlow
Rating: PG
Length: 1,000 words
Content notes: none 
Author notes: Written for Bingo Card Prompt 51 - Nature at fffc
Summary: Jack is caught short on a guided tour and needs Ianto to help bail him out. 

Jack reached across the space between himself and his lover and slipped his hand into Ianto's. He was doubly pleased that Ianto didn't flinch at the action, instead wrapping his slender fingers around Jack's and giving them a gentle squeeze. It was a sure sign that he was enjoying their time together and not feeling any qualms about who might see the gesture or what they thought about it. 

It was hard to believe that after all these years they'd never been to Cardiff Castle apart from on strict Torchwood business, and never for longer than it took to resolve the immediate problem. Actually seeing it for what it was, a masterpiece of medieval style artistry and architecture, was a first. Jack hoped that they would have many firsts together, and this was a good start. 

Jack had been surprised when Ianto confessed he'd never done a tour of the castle. ‘I just... Never found time for it,’ he confessed, shrugging as if he'd merely said he'd never found time to learn how to knit. For someone who held his heritage in such high regard as Ianto did, the admission was made all the worse. It was even slightly ironic, given Ianto had on several occasions given strong advice to lost tourists who'd wandered into his tiny makeshift bureau that the castle was not to be missed. 

On hearing it, Jack had marched straight up to the desk and bought two tickets without a second thought. Ianto had just shaken his head at Jack's impetuous nature, letting him take the lead on what Jack hoped would be a date without interruption. Plus, a guided tour had to be better than standing there having to read all the little information plaques dotted around the place. Jack preferred to spend his time taking in the sights and letting someone else do all the talking. And by sights, he included his lover, who was equally worth staring at and admiring, if not more so.

Jack tuned out to the sound of the tour guide as she started going through a long history on a painting of a particularly ungainly lord of some description. He leaned across so that he could whisper in Ianto's ear. ‘I've gotta go.’ 

A tiny frown crossed Ianto's face as he pulled his phone from his pocket, checking it. ‘I didn't get an alert, he said. It is Flat Holm related?’ 

‘No, I mean I've gotta go,’ Jack repeated. 

‘Where?’ 

‘The little boys room.’ 

‘Didn't you go beforehand?’ Ianto sounded like a parent, asking their seven year old child, like it was a preflight checklist for any outing. Next he'd be checking if Jack had also washed his hands properly. 

‘I didn't need to!’ 

‘Hold it.’

‘Hold it?’ Jack's voice temporarily returned to its normal volume as he forgot where they were. 

‘You're the one who wanted to go on this tour,’ Ianto lectured him. 

‘Oh, so you're one of those people,’ he retorted, taking in the tone of Ianto's reply. 

‘What people?’

‘The kind that go around having memorised the entire history of medieval Britain and think that they could run the tour better than the actual guides.’ 

‘Well, she did get one or two things factually incorrect, and that's not even accounting for the things that may have in fact been as a result of extraterrestrial intervention.’ 

Jack groaned. As much as he loved Ianto, there were definitely times when he could be an insufferable know it all. Handy on a pub quiz team, though. 

‘You can't go until the tour is over,’ Ianto continued. ‘She's taking us through all the sections that would normally be inaccessible to the general public, so you can't just wander off at your leisure looking for a handy water closet. God knows the plumbing probably isn't even attached.’ 

Jack rolled his eyes. ‘I wasn't expecting a proper loo, Ianto. A chamber pot would do. Bound to be a few of them around the place done up as set dressing.’ 

‘A chamber…’ Ianto's sentence trailed off in what Jack unmistakably knew was horror and indignation. 

‘Ahem!’ There was a feminine little tut from their tour guide who clearly felt that their conversation, whilst not overly loud, was still disrupting her own presentation. 

Jack waited until she had redirected her gaze and the bent closer to Ianto's ear. ‘How long is this tour anyway?’ 

‘Three hours.’ 

‘Three-!’ he couldn't even verbalise the rest checking his watch realising they were only an hour and forty five minutes in. 

‘You'll just have to cross your legs and hold it,’ Ianto said, ending the argument. 

‘How do they not have bathroom breaks on a three hour tour?’ Jack hissed. 

‘If you'll come this way we'll step out into the castle grounds for a moment and I'll show you some of the key architectural design features,’ the guide announced. 

Jack looked around the room they'd been in, hoping to trail behind, but there was nothing here of any use to him, just a few armchairs and a whole lot of paintings. He stepped out through the wooden door and tried to think of anything else. Out in the grounds he spotted the trees inside the castle walls and thanked the gods. 

‘Ianto!’

‘What?’ 

‘Distract the crowd.’ 

‘What?’ 

‘I'm gonna go pee behind that tree over there. I just need you to distract the rest of that tour group.’ 

‘How?’ 

‘You'll think of something!’ He dashed off and trusted Ianto to bail him out with his usual brilliance. He was so relieved as he stood up against the tree that he almost missed the loud kerfuffle going on across the other side of the ground. 

‘I think he's choking!’ someone cried and Jack zipped himself up, jogging over to find Ianto on the grass having some kind of fit. As soon as he spotted Jack he miraculously recovered. 

‘Sorry, think I swallowed a fly,’ he apologised as Jack hovered anxiously over him. 

‘Thanks,’ Jack whispered. 

‘You owe me.’