m_findlow

Title: Who lives and who dies
Fandom: Torchwood
Author: m_findlow
Rating: PG. Spoilers for audioplay "Submission".
Length: 1,000 words
Content notes: none
Author notes: Written for Challenge 38 - Betrayal at fandomweekly
Summary: Ianto questions the cost of getting out alive.

'Remind me next time to fly business class,' Gwen groaned, massaging her aching neck.

'Fly business class next time, Gwen,' Ianto quipped, not disagreeing with her for a moment. The meals alone were enough to put you off.

'Fourteen hours in economy is more that anyone should have to suffer through.'

'Well,' Jack began, 'maybe if you hadn't spent eight of them with your head at right angles trying to sleep on my shoulder...'

'It was all I had to use for a pillow,' Gwen argued.

Jack shrugged. 'I've had worse compliments. So, go home, Gwen Cooper. Go get eight hours of proper sleep in a real bed and we'll see you tomorrow.' She waved silently and left without argument.

Ianto reached for his coat, fishing through the pockets to confirm his car keys were still there. He was so ready for bed he wasn't even sure that driving himself home was a good idea.

'Going somewhere?' Jack asked, giving him a curious look as he finally wrapped his hands around the cool metal keys and fob.

'Working on those deductive reasoning skills, I see.'

'You could have been the one asleep on my shoulder. I wouldn't have minded. A little bit of mile high snuggling?'

'I always sleep on my left. And I wasn't tired.' Instead he'd spent the entire trip staring out at clouds through the window, or shutting his eyes pretending he was asleep and fooling no one. All he could think about was Carly. How good she looked, how happy she'd been to get his call and have him bring her in on an assignment. And then he'd gone and nearly gotten her killed. Despite it all she wasn't mad at him, when she had every right to be. He'd been right in thinking all those years ago that she was too good for him.

Jack frowned at him. 'What's with the attitude? You've been giving me the cold, silent treatment ever since we left Tokyo.'

Ianto huffed, relinquishing his grip on the car keys, letting them drop back into his pocket. 'I've got the sinking feeling that I can never go home, can I?'

'Not never. Just not until you tell me what's going on with you.'

'As if you don't know,' Ianto seethed.

'Look if this is about what happened down in that submarine with Carly... It was surface or die.'

'Never mind that you were going to kill her in the process.'

'My intention was only to kill the alien, or at least get as far enough away from it that it couldn't flood the sub and start invading our bodies, consuming our memories. Did you really want to be trapped down there forever like that poor guy Sam? I made a choice. One life in exchange for three.'

Ianto felt his hands ball up at his sides. 'You were jealous. Jealous of Carly. Jealous that maybe someone else finds me interesting. What a bonus for you if you could kill her and get her out of the way.'

'Ianto! That isn't what I did!'

'Oh, really?' It was a statement rather than a question. 'You weren't staking your claim at all down in that sub, were you? Don't think Carly didn't see where you put your hands.'

Jack's expression darkened. 'It was a confined space! I'm gonna have to brush by you every once in a while. Doesn't mean we're trying to make out. In fact, I think I was pretty restrained.'

'You certainly restrained yourself when she was dying!' He felt so mad just thinking about it, remembering how cold Jack had been, telling him she was dead and not to bother trying to save her.

'I admired your attempts to do whatever you could to save her.'

'Patronising me now? Are you serious?'

'I thought she was already dead. I thought that thing inside her was tethering her life force to the underwater volcano.' Jack let out a frustrated sigh. 'I didn't want you to blame yourself for being the reason she didn't make it. If you could accept that there was nothing more you could do...'

'You didn't know that for sure. We had to try.' I had to try, he added silently. He did feel responsible for Carly, putting her life in danger. He couldn't bear to have another lover's life on his conscience. She'd survived Torchwood One, only to have Ianto come back into her life and nearly let Torchwood finish the job it started years ago. 'She trusted me, and I trusted you to keep her safe, Jack.' It was one thing to put his own faith in Jack every single day, but he needed Jack to do more to protect those that weren't used to the same danger. His indifference to Carly's life felt like a betrayal.

Jack was silent for a full minute, watching the anger refuse to abate in Ianto's expression. 'I've seen so much death, Ianto. I guess I just don't react to it the same way anymore. Lately every time we go anywhere all I can think about is, how do I keep Gwen and Ianto safe? Everybody else...' He let the sentence trail off, unable to admit that their lives became irrelevant by comparison. 'I can't lose you. If that means sacrificing someone else...'

Ianto swallowed hard. He knew what Jack was trying to say and a part of him twisted up inside at the confession. Wanting him alive, out of love or out of guilt, wasn't enough. Sacrificing everyone else wasn't the solution. It was selfish and unfair. He tugged his coat off the hook and draped it over his arm. 'I'm tired. I can't have this argument with you right now.' He knew he'd only give in too easily if he persevered, letting Jack wear him down with "I need you's" and "please stay's" and "just let me hold you, it'll be okay".

'Let me drive you home, at least,' Jack pleaded, reaching out a hand on his arm.

'Tomorrow,' Ianto said, pulling away.