m_findlow

Title: Where to from here?
Fandom: Torchwood
Author: m_findlow
Rating: PG. Post CoE AU
Length: 1,000 words
Content notes: none
Author notes: Written for Challenge 47 - Rebuilding at fandomweekly
Summary: After months of exile in London, Ianto is left blindsided by Jack's return into his life.

Ianto's bed was warm as he woke realising he wasn't alone. Jack was still there next to Ianto, sleeping soundly. At least he hadn't gotten up in the middle of the night and left on that star cruiser that had been passing through their galaxy, leaving Ianto forever like he'd threatened.

Carefully he peeled back the duvet, slipping out and back into his pajama bottoms and a long-sleeved top. There was a slight bitter chill hanging in the air of the apartment which only made getting back into bed that much more tempting.

He padded out silently to the living room, drawing the vertical blinds. They made a gentle swish as the panels flapped against one another before revealing the London cityscape. There was a break in the usual cloudy morning and the sun was beginning to peak over the horizon, casting a silvery glint on the Thames as it snaked between the buildings.

He shouldn't have slept with Jack last night but he knew he couldn't have shut the door on him either. He'd come to say goodbye and leave planet Earth forever, and whilst Ianto hadn't yet found it in himself to forgive Jack, he still loved him enough not to let him walk away right there and then. Ianto couldn't bear the thought of Jack leaving forever and never seeing him again, even if he hadn't seen him for months by his own choice. There was something final about it, when deep down he perhaps knew, or even hoped, that they were as yet unresolved. He didn't even think Jack expected forgiveness, not yet anyway. Jack couldn't forgive himself for what he'd done so how could he ever expect anyone else to?

Months had passed since he'd moved here, leaving Jack behind in Cardiff to face up to what he'd done on his own. Ianto's heart couldn't stand it, the idea that Jack could sacrifice his own grandson, even if it meant saving the lives of millions of other children. There was something so cold about it, the way Jack had shut down afterwards and not wanted to speak about it. It didn't feel like he was grieving, even though he surely must have been, but it was the stranger Ianto felt like he was living with that hurt the most. Jack had so many secrets and he was never going to share them. Ianto had fallen in love with the mask, the smokescreen, the trick of the light and the sleight of hand that Jack showed him and nothing more.

'It's a beautiful apartment you've got here.' The sunlight had risen higher and played through the enormous windows, striking Jack with its golden glow. Every line on his face, the crows feet at the corners of his eyes and the gaunt frame that hid underneath the t-shirt that had never before appeared loose on him, was highlighted by the early morning light. It was a face strained by loss and hardship and self-loathing. Ianto hadn't been able to see it last night, but now it was clear as day. He wished he could make it go away and have the old Jack back, but what good would that do?

'It's not mine. UNIT paid for it,' Ianto replied, turning his gaze back over the city bathed in the light of a brand new day. London was, day by day, growing slowly out of the terror. Each day he noticed life becoming a little bit more normal and there was a mixture of relief and unsettled concern. He'd been working hard to try and rebuild the world in the aftermath. It was all he could do. With Jack having disappeared for weeks and Gwen pregnant, he'd accepted that Torchwood was gone and not coming back. Yet he needed purpose and a way to make things right again. If they'd done their jobs right and not kept secrets, perhaps things might have ended a better way. Recruiting himself into their near rivals UNIT seemed like the only way to atone. After Torchwood, what other job could he possibly do?

'So, now you're their indentured servant?' Jack said, unable to mask the hint of betrayal

'Beats packing shelves at Tesco.' He kept his gaze on the wakening metropolis as a warm hand rested on his hip and Jack's bristled chin nestled on his shoulder. He let his eyes slip shut and tried to block out anything that might remind him that once upon a time he'd have relished that closeness but now he felt ambivalence. It didn't stop him turning his head to let those lips capture his in yet another moment of weakness. It felt right and wrong all at the same time. He pulled away from it before he got completely lost in the sensation, keeping his hands away from Jack's body lest he be tempted again.

Ianto swallowed hard. 'I have to go to work.'

Jack's hand dropped away from his hip and the abandoned spot became cold in an instant like the man himself. 'Right. Indentured servant.'

'It's not like that.' He'd have lived the happiest life in the grottiest apartment in the world if he could just fix things between himself and Jack. He knew he'd never find another person like Jack, even if he spent his whole life searching the world. If only he could erase those few terrible days. All this time since and he still wasn't ready for the moment when Jack came back into his life.

Jack took a step back, leaving Ianto room to pass by him. Ianto could see he was hurting now, more than ever. There was a need in that blue-eyed gaze for Ianto to forgive him before he could begin the process of forgiving himself. Without thinking, Ianto reached up a hand to his cheek, thumb brushing over the whiskers. 'Please be here when I get home.'

Jack cupped the hand to his cheek for a second before pulling it away. 'I'll think about it.'