Fffc Bingo Card - Unwelcome greeting

[m_findlow]

Title: Unwelcome greeting 
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters: Ianto, Jack
Author: m_findlow
Rating: PG
Length: 1,000 words
Content notes: none 
Author notes: Written for Bingo Card Prompt 80 - Hello at fffc
Summary: Jack's friendliness has landed them in hot water. Again. 

Ianto felt his nervous tension growing, building like a dam about to burst as he paced up and down. He'd seen tigers at the zoo that paced up and down all day long against the windows of their enclosure, wondering why they didn't just not bother to take any notice of the fact that they were caged, and just enjoy the lovely tropical surroundings and three square meals a day. Now he understood why, and his own pacing was matching that of those majestic beasts stalking, about to wear a long rut in the floor along the line of three inch thick perspex glass. 

If Jack had noticed that he was still moving back and forth, he didn't say so, preferring to lie on the one hard concrete bench that wasn't big enough for the two of them unless they sat upright on it. This wasn't the luxury cell for two and there was nobody around that he could speak with about the intergalactic equivalent of the Geneva Convention, assuming such things even applied around here. Now he knew how a weevil felt, though that didn't stop him from pacing. There was something about the need to keep moving constantly that put him more at ease than just standing or sitting around. Perhaps he was part shark, prone to die a tragic death if he stopped moving. 

'Please, would you stop?' Jack groaned, his arm draped over his eyes so that the light wasn't shining directly in them as he was attempting to nap. How anyone could nap at a time like this was beyond Ianto. It was just one more of those things that annoyed Ianto - the way Jack took anything and everything in his stride without ever worrying about the consequences or what might happen next. 

'I will not stop!' Ianto barked, turning on his heel to face Jack's prone form. 'In fact I have yet to begin!' Begin what, he wasn't precisely sure, but it felt like the thing to say as his temper was beginning to fray at the edges. Of course, he did exactly the opposite of what he'd just threatened and did indeed stop, leaning into the corner of the prison cell and folding his arms in an act of petulant defiance. 'This is all your fault.' 

Jack sighed theatrically. 'Of course it's my fault. When is it ever not my fault?' 

'Well, at least we finally agree on something!' 

'I was only trying to say hello!' Jack argued. 

Ianto rolled his eyes. 'Oh, yes, we know all about that and how well it went, don't we?' He huffed and stared out through the glass, praying for anything or anyone to come along that might break up the monotony of just waiting. 'You know, the Doctor warned me about this. He said Jack always gets himself in trouble trying to say hello to everyone. And you know what my response was? I laughed. Right in his face. I said that you do that kind of thing on Earth all the time and nothing ever comes of it. Jack just likes to be friendly and flirt a little.' 

Jack sat up and scowled at his lover.' You know, in my defense, this planet has evolved about three thousand years since I was here last. How was I supposed to know that what used to pass for a flirtatious little “hi, how ya doing?” was now a suppressive act resulting in immediate incarceration!' 

Ianto heaved another annoyed breath. Wasn't that just their luck? Finally able to travel on their own without the Doctor, what Jack considered a chaperone in polite terms, and practically the first place they'd gone they'd gotten themselves arrested. He was going to be made to eat the Doctor's words that they wouldn't make it five minutes out there without running into trouble. And yeah, because their adventures with him had been so trouble free! He was the master of trouble and made Jack look like an absolute angel. Ianto had actually been looking forward to a bit of travel without all the chaos attached. So much for that idea. 

'Do you at least know what kind of legal system they have, or is that likely to be outdated as well?' He did not want to find out that they'd be spending the next twenty years breaking rocks on some penal colony world. They might have forever but twenty years hard labour divided by forever was still a fraction too long for his liking. 

'I'd say your guess is as good as mine,' Jack replied. He shuffled over on the bench and patted it. 'Please sit down before you wear out your shoes.' 

'Why? Because they might be the only ones I get for the next fifty years of incarceration?' He sighed and ambled over, plonking himself down next to Jack. 

Jack wrapped an arm around his shoulders. 'It'll be okay. I think I know where we went wrong.'

Ianto looked squirmed under Jack's touch. 'They're not going to get upset about us touching as well are they?'

'No. That much doesn't seem to have changed. I think it's just gotten stricter. Boys stick to boys and girls stick to girls. Saying hi to that female was probably the big no-no.' 

'How does that work? Wouldn't the population die off?' 

'Works just like everywhere else. The boys borrow the babies and the girls borrow the sperm. Uniformally homosexual worlds survive just as well. I just think they made it kind of criminal to do anything else here. And it was just a friendly hello, after all. Nothing more.' 

'I just wish you'd stop being so damn friendly to everybody all the time. Your flirting causes nothing but trouble. I should just ban you from every saying hello to anyone ever again.' 

'And you know that the next time we'd end up getting arrested because someone thought I was being rude to them instead.' 

Ianto sighed. 'Life would be so unbearably cruel, wouldn't it?'