Torchwood-fest - For the record

[m_findlow]

Title: For the record
Fandom: Torchwood
Author: m_findlow
Rating: M
Length: 790 words
Content notes: none
Author notes: Written for torchwood_fest  2016 Prompt #9 - Ianto's opinion on Christmas-flavoured coffee (requested by auroracloud)
Summary: With Christmas approaching, Ianto takes important matters into his own hands.

Memo: On the serving of coffee this festive season.

To: gcooper@torchwood.org.uk, oharper@torchwood.org.uk, tsato@torchwood.org.uk, captjharkness@torchwood.org.uk
Sender: ijones@torchwood.org.uk 

From the outset let it be known that it pains me to pen this particular memo, however I feel it needs to be pointed out a few things as we head into the festive season for yet another year.

Now, I understand perfectly that this is known affectionately as the silly season - mostly because very highly educated and sensible people have a tendency to “go wild” - however there needs to be some restraint and common sense shown during this time to ensure that whilst we all continue to enjoy the season and to relax little bit and take stock of yet another year, that we also do not step over the invisible line whence silliness descends into utter madness. In this line of work, that happens to also be a very low bar.

To that end, I make the following comments, which should be considered. Coffee is a staple in our working day much like pizza beer, donuts, crisps, and Terry's chocolate orange. That is not to say that everything we take for granted as part of our daily working lives should be subjected to a “Christmas twist”. In case this is not clear enough, I am of course referring to several requests for Christmas flavoured coffee. I believe so far this has included peppermint, gingerbread, eggnog, dulce de leche and, without naming names, roasted turkey. Honestly, Jack…

I cannot be clearer that there will be no Christmas flavoured coffee of any sort made in this facility. This is the Torchwood Institute, an organisation that has stood tall and proud for nearly one hundred and forty years, and not through acceding to the trivial and senseless actions of its agents.

The coffee bean is a very complex fruit hosting many layers of flavor profiles that are brought together through the drying, roasting and grinding processes, and preserved by the correct storing of those beans at appropriate temperature and humidity levels. Their incorporation into the perfect cup of coffee is not just a science but an art, ensuring that the flavours are correctly balanced. The Mayans did not feel the need to add additional flavor ingredients to coffee when they first invented it. Even sugar was considered an egregious condiment, but they certainly did not sit around their campfire and think to themselves “what if we added chocolate, or mango or papaya?”

Sugar should be added in minimal quantities, preferably lesser refined brown sugar crystals if you desire a level of caramel to complement the bitterness of the coffee bean. Under no circumstances should you add caramel sauce, vanilla bean or any other sugar byproduct. This includes dipping biscuits with the exception of Italian savoiardi, which should only be dunked in straight espresso and not in your flat white. In some parts of Italy, this would be considered a case for automatic deportation. Torchwood does not have deportation on its list of remediation strategies but please insert equivalent redress here.

And yes, I have located several bottles of these types of flavoured liqueurs (not to be confused with actual alcoholic liqueurs of the kind that should be drunk from small glasses and enjoyed after hours. Note: Ianto's personal favourite is Irish cream should you wish to add that to your list of appropriate secret Santa gift options). Using the coffee that has been carefully crafted to exude the most elite nuances of the coffee bean should not be defiled by adding in ridiculous cordials. If you desire to add some Christmas cheer in your daily cup of coffee mug I can arrange for it to be served in festively coloured mugs or served with a range of appropriately suitable shortbread that will not disrupt the quality or flavor of the finest beverage in the world.

I trust that this memo does not require any further clarification on the above points, but I am happy to discuss as required and to provide further supporting evidence on the evolution of coffee making and the correct etiquette for enjoying this beverage. Behaviours contradicting this edict will be dealt with harshly.

Yours sincerely, Ianto Jones.

To: ijones@torchwood.org.uk
Sender: captjharkness@torchwood.org.uk

I already bought the candy cane flavoured condoms to enjoy with our mid afternoon coffee break. I hope they don't count. xxx

To: captjharkness@torchwood.org.uk
Sender: ijones@torchwood.org.uk

Keep them out of my coffee and we shouldn't have a problem. At least we'll save on breath mints. :)

To: gcooper@torchwood.org.uk, tsato@torchwood.org.uk
Sender: oharper@torchwood.org.uk

He's fucking joking, right?