Torchwood: Fanfic: Debrief

[m_findlow]

Title: Debrief
Fandom: Torchwood
Prompt: Interrogation at hc_bingo
Wordcount: 5,074 words
Rating: PG
Warnings: N/A
Summary: The hardest questions to ask are the ones you don't want to know the answers to.

Jack had been dreading this for days. Still, he knew it had to be done. The report would never see the light of day, and certainly would never be seen by UNIT. As angry and hurt as he was, he knew what would happen if they ever found out. Ianto Jones would be incarcerated for the remainder of his days. Perhaps the punishment befit the crime, but perhaps not.

The incident with the cyberwoman had nearly killed them all and had the potential to have destroyed the whole world. And now Jack had to do a debrief with Ianto. All of the others had already been spoken to and had submitted their reports, in which he'd specifically asked them to detail their observations and thoughts on Ianto's demeanor and behaviour in the weeks leading up to the incident. As expected, when he read their reports, they all said pretty much the same thing. No one had any idea what had been going on. No one had asked the question. Worst of all, and he was as equally guilty as the rest of them on this account, was that no one even noticed him. No one noticed the strain of anxiety and guilt and sleepless nights etched into his face. They'd all just gone about their day, working on the assumption that if the place was clean, and fresh hot cups of coffee found their way to hand at just the right moment, nothing could possibly be wrong.

Jack had no idea where to even begin. He'd been amazed that Ianto had even returned to work at all. Then again,  perhaps he should have expected it. Watching him from above as he pottered about the hub, still picking up after them. What had they done to deserve his loyalty? Or was it simply a case that he didn't know what else to do with himself? All of these questions and more he was determined to get answers for. Admittedly, perhaps he should have asked them at the start.

He'd told Ianto to expect the debrief interview. He'd also suggested that Ianto take the day off work, and that they could conduct the interview at his place. Jack had said that this was to give them a bit more privacy. It was no secret that the vibe at the hub was heavily laden with mistrust. Gwen and Owen had varying levels of hostility towards the young man. Only Tosh seemed to be trying to maintain a rapport with him, though Jack suspected her own guilt lead the charge on that front. She had her own first hand experience when it came to pushing the boundaries to save someone you loved.

Having the interview outside of the hub was less to do with nosy Torchwood agents than it was to try and conduct it on something akin to neutral territory. Perhaps he might get Ianto to open up more if he didn't think he was about to be thrown into a cell next to Janet.

The other half of him rebelled at the idea. What chance he might get truthful answers from a man that had been lying to him since day one? What chance that he'd know if he was being lied to in the first place, so skillfully had he been played. Part of him wanted to strap him up to a lie detector just to be sure that he wouldn't be mislead by any more falsehoods.

All of these thoughts were still playing through his mind as he pulled up outside the block of flats. He ascended the four flights of stairs rather than take the lift, as if to delay the inevitable, but found himself standing outside his door just as quickly. At first there was no response when he knocked and he half wondered if Ianto had done a runner. What then? Would Jack hunt him down and have him locked up? He'd started Torchwood afresh, with all new rules, but he didn't have any rules in place to cover something like this. He hadn't thought he'd ever need to. He still didn't have an answer for himself but luckily the door opened, relieving him of his indecision.

Ianto was stood there, still in his pajamas but looking as if he hadn't slept for days, which was probably true. It was hard to reconcile this disheveled figure with the immaculately dressed man who always arrived at the crack of dawn, crisp and alert, first coffee of the morning already in hand. Even in the past few days, he'd continued this work ethic. Today suggested he'd given up completely, as if the entire weight of what he'd done made him unable to carry on.

Jack made a point of looking at his watch. 'Am I early? I thought we said eleven?'  

'You did, Sir. I must have overslept.'

There was lie number one, thought Jack. How many more would they go through before this was over? He'd also been reduced to Sir again. It had become a flirtatious affectation over the past few months, but now it represented the Berlin Wall that stood between them.

Jack opted for the softly softly approach.

'No problem. Why don't you grab a shower? I'll just make myself comfortable. Maybe make a few phone calls.'

Ianto took the suggestion as instruction and his body language clearly showed his resignation.

Once Jack was alone again he took to a brief wander about the apartment. It was unnecessarily spartan. A couch,  coffee table, two stools by the kitchen counter, a television that on closer inspection wasn't even plugged into the wall. The closest he came to anything representing personality was the ceramic bowl on the sideboard that held his keys and a tin of mints.

He inspected the kitchen cupboards and fridge. A handful of cups and plates, a box of weetabix, two bottles of water and a carton of longlife fruit juice. When had he last eaten? The only thing inhabiting this house was a ghost.

'Can I help you, Sir?' came the quiet voice. He was dressed in loose fitting jeans and an even looser fitting hooded top. The absence of a suit further suggested the stoic acceptance of whatever was to happen next.

Jack had been busted snooping but carefully covered himself. 'Just looking for the coffee machine.'

'Don't have one,' came the plaintive reply.

Of course not, Jack told himself. When have you lived here long enough to need coffee? You probably slept in the basement half the time, assuming you slept at all. With all the hours you put in at Torchwood, and all the time you spent looking after us, it's a wonder you had time left to care for Lisa. And of course you wouldn't have left any time to look after yourself. You're not that selfish.

'Guess water will have to do,' he replied.

'Second cupboard from the left,' Ianto answered, indicating the location of glasses, 'but you probably already know that.'

Jack carried the glasses back to the lounge and sat back comfortably on one end of the couch, trying to put the young man at ease. Ianto perched himself on the edge of the other side, suddenly unwilling to meet Jack's gaze.

Jack had been putting this off for long enough. Now he just had to do it.

'Tell me what happened. From the beginning.' It was the question he knew he should have asked six months ago.  The very first question he should have asked.

Ianto kept his gaze downcast. Like it or not, Jack was going to get answers from him. Better that he complied now, so it would all be over soon.

'We were supposed to meet for lunch. I was running late, trying to finish up cataloguing some documents. I was down in one of the sub basement levels. No one ever went down there because it was just old stuff from early Torchwood records. No one else wanted the job, so they gave it to me. Then the alarms started going off. The room had hermetic seals. The alarms must have set them off. I got locked in. I tried the intercom but no one answered. I didn't know what was going on.'

Jack listened intently. This was Ianto's story, and he realised that he was the first person ever to hear it. He couldn't believe he'd never wondered just how Ianto had made it out of the battle before now, and why he'd never asked.  

'How did you get out?'

'There was some kind of power surge. It must have tripped the failsafe. As soon as I entered the corridor I could hear them. There were bodies everywhere...' Ianto's eyes had glazed over and Jack could tell he was trapped in the memory.

'I don't know what happened after that.'

Jack knew. Post traumatic stress had wiped those parts from his mind to protect him. Maybe one day Jack  would find out just how the hell he'd made his way through Torchwood without being killed or converted by any one of the hundreds of daleks or cybermen there that day. But until then his consciousness was keeping him safe from the knowledge that he wasn't ready for. It was a miracle he'd survived at all.

'You found Lisa,' he stated, stepping over the gap in Ianto's recollections.

'She was in there.'  

'One of the conversion chambers,' Jack clarified.

'She was-, they were-,' he began wringing his hands. 'She was in so much pain. I was screaming for help but no one came.'

He was lucky his cries didn't bring a whole army of daleks down on them, Jack thought.

'How did you get her out?'

'We were there for hours. One of the clamps was stuck and I couldn't get it undone. By the time I did, they must have gone. The Doctor. We didn't see anyone else.'

Unsurprising. There'd been less than three dozen survivors, whilst the list of casualties ran into the thousands. And that was just Torchwood Tower. Half couldn't even be identified. They'd been converted into cybermen. Death had only been confirmed by their absence. At least daleks left bodies behind.

'Everywhere on the streets was chaos. No one even noticed us. I got us back to the flat. It wasn't enough. She was dying. She told me what to do, said she had the knowledge downloaded as part of the conversion. I went back to Canary Wharf. UNIT were already there. I flashed them my Torchwood credentials and told them I was on attachment to help with the clean up. I took whatever I could. Stole the rest.'

He leaned forward and grabbed the glass of water from the small coffee table. It shook in his hand as he tried to drink from it. Then he was silent for a few minutes.

Jack reached across and put a hand on his knee.

'You okay?' It was probably a stupid question.

'Not much of a talker.'

'We've got time,' Jack reassured him. Because we haven't even gotten to the hard part yet, he didn't add. So far it had all come across as genuine. Ianto didn't have any reason to lie about this part. Jack began to push the story forward.

'When did you come to Cardiff?'

'It was about two weeks. She wasn't getting better. I didn't know what to do. We needed more tech, more time. We agreed. Torchwood was our only option. I hired a van and we left. Drove all night and picked up the first apartment the estate agent offered.'

'Then you set about finding me.'

'Yes.'

Jack's demeanor shifted. Gone was the earlier sympathy for Ianto's plight. Everything from this point on was the official interrogation.

'I got Tosh to do some digging. There's no record of you hacking our systems, so how did you find us?'

'A big black car with the word Torchwood written on its roof, and a flashy American who parades around in 1940's get-up. Cardiff isn't that big a city you can hide in.'

Jack took the chastising comment without rising to it.

'The weevil in Bute Park? Did you orchestrate that?'

'No. I was following you. I wasn't planning on us meeting yet, but I hadn't anticipated you getting in trouble.'

'I had it under control,' Jack reaffirmed.

'If you say so,' Ianto replied, unable to resist the moment of light hearted banter. It was very likely to be the last.

'More chance of you getting yourself killed than of saving my arse,' Jack retorted, crossing his arms over, 'Not exactly a strong first impression.'

Ianto cast his eyes downward.

'And the location of the hub?'

Ianto raised his head and gave him another look.

'Right, not that big a city,' Jack answered. 'So, you know my feelings about Torchwood One. Was I right to trust those instincts? Every time I told you no, you kept coming back. I put it down to youthful innocence. Torchwood was the only job you'd known and you'd obviously grown up here. Must have seemed like the perfect combination of convenience.'

He waited for the answer he expected. He waited for Ianto to turn around and say that he hadn't meant to betray Jack's trust, and that the job was as important to him as the reasons he'd asked for it in the first place.

'Why did you say no?'

Jack was thrown back by the question. This was meant to be his interview.

'Torchwood's not a safe job. Maybe you had a cushy little desk job in London, but here, with the rift, it's dangerous. You've seen it for yourself. You were damned lucky to survive London, and I sure as hell wasn't going to sign your death warrant by taking you on. I meant what I said that you should find yourself another life.' Jack paused for the briefest of moments. 'When all's said and done, maybe that's still what I want for you.'

Ianto's expression grew fearful. Another life. Retcon. Jack must be implying that as soon as this was over he was going to be retconned.

Jack skipped over the capture of Myfanwy. There didn't seem to be much more to be gained from going over old ground. Whether it had been spectacularly good luck on Ianto's part that the first thing through the rift was guaranteed to get Jack's attention, or something far more cunning, even Jack had to admit, it was one hell of a job interview. He'd been there, he'd gotten caught up in the moment, caught up in Ianto, and before he knew it he'd offered him a job that didn't exist, suddenly not quite ready to part ways after days of trying to get rid of him. Every day since, he'd counted his blessings that Ianto had serendipitously dropped into his lap, and could no longer imagine the hub running without him.

Jack shook the thoughts from his head and tried to continue on.

'I'm guessing you snuck her in via one of the subterranean access points?' Which one hardly mattered. Jack wasn't even sure if he knew where half of them were anymore, nor what state they were in. Ianto had access to all their records working down in the archives, which would have included long discarded blueprints detailing various works done on the hub over the years. If Jack thought about it, he was actually astounded by just how much information he'd left available to his team, any of whom could have used it for their own purposes. He supposed he'd believed that his own instincts had lead him to select people whom he could trust wholeheartedly,  and it hadn't crossed his mind that one of them might take advantage of his trusting nature. He'd spent most of his life trusting no one but himself, and now he wondered if he hadn't been right. First Suzie, now Ianto.

Ianto nodded solemnly. What use was there in denying any of it now? Better that someone would know his story and remember it, even if he no longer would.

Jack heaved in a long breath and let it out. He leaned forward and rested his forearms on his legs.

'Were you ever going to tell me?' That was one of the burning questions. 'Did it even cross your mind that we might have been able to help?'  

'You would have killed her.' It was a question rather than a statement.

'Yes.'

'Then why would I have told you?'

'We're here to protect the planet from alien threats.'  

'And you'll do whatever is necessary'.

'Yes.'

'Including killing anyone who stands in the way.'  

'Only if there's no other option.'

'Like when you put your gun to my head and threatened to blow it off if I didn't kill her?'

Jack cringed inwardly. He'd regretted that. And he'd hated being called a monster most of all. He'd spent so many years trying to undo all of the bad things and put them right, but his underlying character had shown through in that moment. Maybe he really was a monster.

'I saw what you did to her. Was I wrong to trust my instincts? Was I wrong not to trust you?'

Jack's anger flashed inside of him. 'How much did you know? How much did you suspect? You were at Canary Wharf. You knew what the cybermen were capable of. How could you believe she wasn't dangerous? After she killed Tanazaki and tried to kill Gwen. Even after she nearly killed you and me both, still you defended her!'

'I loved her!'

'You used us! Every day you turned up to work you lied to us! You lied to me! Was any of it real? Or was it all just one huge lie?' Jack was annoyed at himself. He'd gone from calm questioning to burning fury. It wasn't meant to happen like that, but he couldn't stomach hearing that Ianto had still loved her while he'd been toying with Jack's emotions.

Ianto's tone was cool and much more controlled than he'd expected.

'Lying implies I misrepresented the facts, which in turn implies that someone asked me for the facts. No one even noticed I was there.'

'I noticed.' Jack forced the words through gritted teeth. How much had he really noticed? Ianto seemed to sense his thoughts.

'Did you? What did you notice, Sir? That coffee just magically appeared by your hand when you needed it, or that I cut a nice figure walking out of your office?'

The question hit a nerve. Wasn't that why Jack had been putting this off? Had he finally reached the heart of the matter? It was the personal betrayal that angered him the most. He could live with the stupid actions of someone in love. What hurt him was the fact that he'd thought some of those amorous thoughts had been directed at him. That they'd been genuine, and that he'd begun to have some genuine feelings of his own for the young man. His anger had abated slowly over the last few days but now it was back with a vengeance. He thought they'd started something that could have developed into something more. Now he'd been forced to realise that Ianto had used his feelings as a distraction to what was really going on.

All the chaste kisses, the stolen moments in dark corners. He wasn't going to play it down. He didn't care how good a liar Ianto was, not all of it could have been fiction. He prayed it hadn't all been a fiction.

'You weren't exactly fending me off with a stick though, were you? I backed off because you were grieving. At least I thought you were grieving. I didn't want you making the mistake of falling into bed with the first thing that caught your eye. Guess I was the one who made that mistake.'

Ianto felt terrible. Jack might have been their indestructible Captain, but he was really hurting. He hadn't meant to use Jack. No, that wasn't quite right. Of course he had used Jack. He'd used him to get into Torchwood at the outset, but everything else that followed? He hadn't expected that.

Their first kiss? He hadn't meant it to happen. He'd been having a bad day of it and the stress of waiting for an email reply from Dr Tanazaki had him on edge. Everything depended on him. When Jack had snuck up on him and cornered him, making playful remarks about his attire, he got caught up in the intensity of Jack's attentions. When had he last felt like the centre of someone's world? When had he last shared any sort of physical contact with another person? Jack was so close, and he smelled so amazing. And then suddenly he was kissing him. His mind whirled back to them lying on top of one another in the warehouse when they'd caught Myfanwy. He'd felt the same rush then, but this time he'd acted on it. Guilt hadn't even factored into it, not until much later when he was back sitting in that darkened room with Lisa. Until that moment, all he could think about was Jack, and how amazing it was to be kissed by him, and how he wanted it again. Jack had been only too willing to provide more opportunities, and it helped to perpetuate the lie. He told himself he was doing it to save Lisa. But why then did he feel himself enjoying those moments together with Jack, and then feeling remorseful that he was keeping so huge a secret from him?

He hunched over and began sobbing. He couldn't tell if he was grieving the loss of Lisa or the loss of Jack, or the fact that he was soon to lose the memory of both.

He couldn't tell how long he huddled there but eventually he felt warm arms wrap around him, holding him tightly. He leaned back into them and continued sobbing uncontrollably.  

Jack hated himself. He hadn't caused this, but he hadn't helped either. In being caught up in his own anger and hurt feelings, he'd neglected the tormented soul that had tried so hard to be loyal to both of them, and knowing that it was an impossible feat.

When eventually he got himself under control, Jack was looking at him with a mask of concern. It was a few minutes more before he spoke. He placed a large warm hand on Ianto's cheek and forced him to make eye contact.

'If you don't want to come back I'll understand.'

Ianto looked confused. 'I thought you were coming to retcon me?'

Now it was Jack's turn to furrow his brow. 'Is that what you thought?' His expression darkened and became grave. 'Is that what you want?'

'No.' Ianto's blue eyes wavered worriedly. Jack felt himself getting lost in them. He didn't want to see him in pain.

'I know you loved Lisa. I blame myself for what happened. I should have looked after my team better, gotten to know you all. Even after Suzie, I should have learned. I took it all for granted. Took you for granted. I should have paid better attention to your feelings. I suppose I just thought that maybe we, that maybe you-,' he didn't know what he wanted to say.  

'I'm sorry.' More tears started running down Ianto's face. 'I'm sorry.' Jack hugged him once more and this time he felt Ianto's own arms latch around his middle. 'I betrayed you both.'

Jack thought back to all the times he'd done something stupid or dangerous and realised he'd done most of them for far less noble reasons than Ianto had.

'The heart wants what the heart wants,' he murmured.

Ianto pulled back from him.

'What does your heart want?'

Jack's breath hitched in his chest. Oh so many things, he thought.

'I want the chance to help you, and to get to know you better.' Jack hoped he hadn't overstepped the mark. Ianto needed time and space to grieve and to process. Jack didn't want to get in the way of that, and he was prepared to put his own feelings on hold. Whatever had happened between them in the past had to stay in the past.

'I can come back to Torchwood?'

'If that's what you want.'

'It is.' His voice was still a little shaky but Jack could sense the underlying firmness.

'I promise we'll make it better this time. But no more secrets. If something's wrong, you come and talk to me. In fact, I think I'll insist on it. Let's say last coffee of the day? You tell me about your day and I'll tell you about mine.'

Ianto smiled meekly. 'I'm not much of a talker,' he repeated.

'That's okay. I'm not much of a listener, so we can both work on it.'

They sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes as each collected their own thoughts.

'So is that the end of our interview?'

'Well, I haven't finalised my report yet,' Jack began, catching the look of panic that flashed in Ianto's eyes, 'but,' he continued, fixing Ianto with an earnest gaze, 'paperwork has a habit of going missing.'

'Not on my watch it doesn't,' Ianto replied indignantly.

Jack laughed. It felt good after everything else.

'Don't worry, you won't be blamed for this one.'

'What about the others?'

'Don't worry, they'll come around. You don't know them like I do.' Jack wanted to be able to tell him that they'd all thrown away their futures at one point or another for the sake of love, but perhaps another time. For now, he was just happy to be able to draw a line under the whole thing. And just maybe he might be able to repair some of the damage done.

'Ianto?'

'Yes?'

'I'm sorry. And I forgive you.'

Jack held Ianto for a long while. Eventually he felt Ianto's own grip grow loose around him and his breathing slow to almost imperceptible. Finally he had succumbed to the sleep that his body so desperately needed. Jack laid him gently back down on the couch without disturbing him. He stole a blanket from Ianto's bed and wrapped it lightly over the sleeping figure. He turned and gave him one final look before grabbing the keys from the small ceramic bowl and locking the door on his way out.

 

Ianto awoke to the sounds coming from his kitchen. It must be Jack, he thought, but what on earth was he doing? He rose from the couch and went to investigate, reluctantly removing the warm blanket from around his body, and feeling better for the brief rest.

His kitchen counter was laden with shopping bags, and the noise came from Jack emptying them into his pantry cupboards and fridge. Jack had made a point of stocking up on useful items with long shelf lives, lots of tinned goods, dry goods, and several packets of frozen vegetables that could be cooked in just a few minutes. No more excuses for not eating properly, Jack decided.  

Ianto was confused. Where had it all come from? He'd only been asleep maybe half an hour.

'What are you doing?'

'Welcome back. I was staring to think you were going to sleep through til morning.'

Okay, maybe it was a bit more than half an hour, he thought, given Jack's had time to buy up most of Tescos. He really did need a clock in his flat. He was fairly certain there was one in one of the boxes he had in storage.

'I went grocery shopping.'

'How? Why?'

'What's with the interrogation? And do you really have to ask? Have you seen the state of your kitchen? I've seen more food in a ration shop in wartime Russia. It's a wonder you haven't starved to death.'

'Haven't felt much like eating,' he replied gloomily.

'Well, maybe this will cheer you up. A present.'

Jack stood back from the large box on the counter so that Ianto could see it. It was a coffee machine. Not as large or elaborate as the one at the hub, but it still would have set him back several hundred pounds.

'I can't accept that.' Bad enough that Jack was bringing around groceries like he was some kind of invalid. Now he was buying him expensive appliances.  

'Sure you can,' Jack replied, 'besides it's as much a gift for me, so that when I come to visit and check up on you, you'll be able to make me a decent cup of coffee.'

'Visit? I don't understand.'

'Ianto, I want you to take some time off work. Not forever,' he quickly added, seeing the look of worry, 'but you've been through a lot and I think you need some time to process. And to grieve. You need to look after yourself for once, and not worry about what everyone else needs. Get some rest, take a walk, alphabetise your CD collection, whatever you need. I assume you have a CD collection?'

'Storage,' came the reply.

'Good. Just make some time for yourself. We'll still be here when you're ready to come back.'

'But,'

'No buts. I'll come visit if you like. Maybe we can talk some more, or not, if you'd prefer. It's your call.'

'I still don't understand why you're doing all this? I did horrible things! I don't deserve anything!' He was beginning to get panicky as the memories of the past week came flooding back.

Jack paused and scrutinised the young man.

'Can I tell you something?'

Ianto nodded.

'I've done lots of horrible things. Things I'm not proud of. Things I can't ever forgive myself for. But I can't change the past. All I can do is try to make up for some of it by doing good now. You are capable of so much good, Ianto Jones. Don't throw away your life now because of the things you can't change.'

Ianto sensed the sincerity in Jack's words, even if he couldn't believe them for himself. How did Jack do that? Make him feel like he was worth something.  

A sudden desire sprang up inside him that made him want to go on, if only to discover why it was that Jack believed so strongly in his own personal worth, and to work hard and prove to be worthy of such belief.

Comments

[jo02]

This was amazing, very nicely crafted. I loved reading it.

[m-findlow.livejournal.com]

Thank you, I really enjoyed writing this one.

There was no argument that he'd done the wrong thing, but for the right reasons. What Cyberwoman lacked was the context behind what had happened, and how they dealt with the aftermath.

[bk_forever]

Awwww! This is really good, so many conflicting emotions from both of them, so much that needs to be said even if neither of them is sure they want to know the answers to their questions.Ianto has a chance now though, to start rebuilding his life and find a way to reconcie himself with the events of Canary Wharf and after. Jack will help as much as he can.