Anythingdrabble Challenge 181 - Wrong end of the stick

[m_findlow]

Title: Wrong end of the stick
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters/Pairings: Owen, Ianto, Jack
Word Count: 500 words
Rating: M (some dubious naughtiness)
Notes: Written for Challenge 181 - Carrot at anythingdrabble
Summary: Torchwood's latest alien is caught playing with its food.

Owen started as a crackle came from his earpiece as. He'd been almost asleep waiting for Gwen and Jack to come back to the hub after being out all night on an investigation, providing little or no backup support to them despite Jack's request that he remain there in case they needed him.

'What?' he replied grumpily.

'I think I might need your help,' came the distinctly Welsh tones of Ianto.

'What for? I thought you were downstairs feeding the residents.'

'I am. Only our latest… well, perhaps it's just easier if you come see for yourself.'

Owen trudged down the four levels of stairs down to the cells, working the kinks out of his joints. He had no idea what the problem was with the thing that looked basically like a rabbit. He wasn't even entirely sure it was alien. A few more genetic tests were still running to confirm it definitely was alien.

'What's the problem?' he asked, seeing Ianto staring worriedly through the cell door with his hands in his pockets.

'I was about to go in and give it some fresh food but…' he pointed not at the metal bowl with its untouched leaves of lettuce and chunks of broccoli, but at the creature in the middle of the cell.

Owen raised an eyebrow at the sight. 'Why has it got a carrot stuck up its butt?'

'I was kind of hoping you could tell me.'

Owen knelt down to take a closer look. 'It doesn't look in any kind of discomfort.'

'You can remove it, right?' The question seemed less of a concern about his ability than it was his confirming Ianto wouldn't have to be the one to do it.

Owen sighed. 'Go fetch me some gloves.'

When Ianto returned he had Jack in tow. 'Ianto tells me you've got an interesting development.' He looked into the cell and whistled. 'Woah, that's out of the box,' Jack said. 'I've never seen a carrot used for that.'

'Other sexually suggestive vegetables are available,' Ianto replied.

Jack paused and looked back at him. 'Actually, you might be onto something there. Owen, you remove the carrot. I want to go check something.'

Owen went into the cell and reluctantly removed the vegetable. The creature looked slightly disappointed, which disturbed him even more.

'I was right,' Jack declared, as Ianto was holding out a plastic bag for Owen to drop the carrot into.

'About?'

'It's a Maxifan. Once a year they become highly promiscuous in order to mate. Guess we're right on schedule, only a carrot isn't going to cut it.'

'So, it's just going to keep doing that? Rutting with root veg?'

'Until it gets what it wants. Let me handle it.'

Ianto shook his head. 'Oh, no. Don't even think about it.'

'Relax. It's fingers and a latex glove. It doesn't get any less romantic than that.'

Owen narrowed his eyes. 'And that's going to work?'

Jack grinned. 'Once you've had Jack, you never go back.'